OoT: Darunia the Douche

Goron city is going through a famine, which is more or less because the entire race consists of picky eaters. How the hell does an entire civilization allow themselves to starve because they don't like the taste of certain rocks? For that matter, do rocks really have different tastes? 

The whole lot of them are just standing around, dying of starvation because there are boulders blocking their path. That's like saying America can't eat because there's a huge carrot in the way of our steak. I think after a certain amount of time a group of us would get together and take one for the team. We'd eat the carrot and go on with our lives.

Meanwhile, their leader has decided his plan of action is to throw a temper tantrum and lock himself in his room. WHAT THE FUCK?! He can't break down that which is blocking his people's food source because he's butthurt? 

He waits for a ten year old kid to come along and play him a song just so he'll feel better. Even then he doesn't fight to save his kind. No, Darunia sends the child (who can't even lift stones without the help of a bracelet) into a dangerous dungeon to save a race that isn't even his own. In other words, Link has a bigger pair than this dbag.

After defeating the dungeon Darunia grants you the title of "Sworn Brother". Oh, great, now I have to be siblings with this chicken-shit.

Seven years later all the Gorons (save Link of the Gorons) have been kidnapped by Ganondorf for showing resistance. I find this highly unlikely because that implies that their commander did something other than run and hide. He actually lead them into a battle of some sort. Something I just couldn't see being done by that pussy.

Once again it is on your shoulders to save the Gorons. Before entering Death Mountain you meet a very large fellow. He informs you that his blades are better than his brother's. I'm fairly certain the two of them are just trying to shank you out of your rupees. Two hundred for a knife? I'd say shove it, but I don't see anywhere that you could. Do you fuckers just completely dissolve the stones in your stomachs? Do you never shit? The digestive track of the Gorons must be something truly amazing.

After meeting the gargantuan duo I must wonder how Darunia earned the nick-name "Big Brother". He's roughly average in size and has no courage what-so-ever. He's not literally nor figuratively "big". Does he have such stature simply because he discovered hair gel and won't tell anyone else about it?

Inside the Fire Temple you meet him yet again. Only he's on the other side of the room. He tells you that he'll go ahead while you free the imprisoned Gorons. Then he takes off into the boss room and he's not heard from until after you beat Volvagia.

This bothers me... a lot.

First, he clearly has the ability to get across lava. Some how his stumpy little legs allow him to clear pits of boiling magma. Or perhaps his Goron skin allows him to walk right over it without issue. Whatever the reason may be this shows that he's fully capable of taking on this dungeon by himself.

Second, why doesn't HE free his people?! I understand he's too much of a coward to engage in any kind of battle but he could at least walk his fat-ass over to a switch and stand on it for two seconds. Hell, when he talks to you he's actually closer to the first prisoner than you are. This tub of lard would ask you to pass the remote because it was out of arms reach.

Third, he goes into the boss room. How the hell did he get the key without freeing ANY of his friends?! The boss key is in a cell for God's sake!

When he leaves he says he'll go ahead of me, as if he's waiting for me to show up and help him. In reality he waits for me to leave the room and slips out the backdoor.

I don't understand why he went in there without me in the first place. This is a completely illogical move. Help just arrived and he ignored it. It's like if FEMA had shown up to New Orleans and everyone said "Nah, we're gunna try to do this on our own first. Come back in a few days. Tell George we said 'Hello'."

It would have even been nice if he couldn't go into the room because he didn't have the key and in turn came with me as I freed everyone. It would have been nice to have a bodyguard. I mean, Nintendo can put me in charge of a prissy princess but they can't give me some backup when I'm inside of a FUCKING VOLCANO?! I can't tell you how useful he would have been. Maybe he could have held down the flare dancer while I hacked and slashed? That certainly would have saved me quite a few bombs. Also, stop calling them the "Goron's Special Crop" they're fucking bombs. When your number one export is explosives it's going to make life a lot easier to just say "bombs".

After doing all the dirty work I finally show up to the boss room and where the hell is he? Nowhere to be found and Volvagia hasn't so much as been slapped. Like I said, he slipped out when I wasn't looking.

I take on this fire breathing demon with Mjolnir all by myself. Afterwards Darunia shows up and tells me what a good job I did. 

This means nothing to me, asshole. I don't seek the approval of leaders who put the lives of their people in the hands of others. What's that? You're a sage? Big fucking whoop, you still don't own a pair of balls.

OoT: Brain Fart

Saria = elf chick. I've been repeating this for the last two days. Why? Because apparently I can pay attention to everything in a video game except the names of the characters.

I get past the guards with little trouble. Something I expected to be much more difficult. For fuck's sake this is a land that's constantly being invaded. You'd think they'd have better patrols. The men they've hired to aimlessly wander about in the strange maze-like hedges are far beyond under qualified. They can only see what's in front of them? They don't rely on their hearing at all?! No wonder the princess keeps getting kidnapped. I agree with the guy in Kakariko, there's nothing but lazy little shits being hired nowadays. Looking busy but not actually accomplishing anything.

I meet Zelda, she teaches me a cool jam and we spy on the shadiest looking mother fucker in all of Hyrule. Seriously, how do they not know this guy is evil? He looks like he kills babies to relax. I know we shouldn't judge on appearances but every other good guy I've met so far radiates kittens and happiness and rainbows. Ganondorf doesn't exactly give off that vibe.

I get sent on a mission by who I now know is Impa. The obvious "Save Hyrule yada yada yada. Help me Obi Linkenobe you're our only hope." This is where I derp my herp so fucking hard I herpaderpa. Yes, that's internet gibberish. No, it's not supposed to makes sense. That's kind of the point.

For some unknown reason (I blame John Cusack) I had it in mind that Impa was Saria. Don't ask me who I thought the ocarina chick that clearly wants Link's naughty parts was, because I don't have a damn clue what the hell I was thinking. 

I'm fucking around for an accumulated two or three hours. Trying to help some bitch find her dog, collecting chickens, talking to some un-evolved creeper in the cemetery, buying and selling masks but not actually getting anywhere with the story line. Navi keeps pissing me off saying "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we told Saria we were going to save Hyrule?" (paraphrased, because fuck you.) 

I'm thinking "Why the fuck would I go tell the person who JUST SENT ME ON THE FUCKING MISSION?!" Naturally, I ignore her because clearly I know more than the game developers and the thousands if not millions of people who have beaten this game. I finally quit out of boredom and inform my comrades that they're crazy for thinking this game was any good. I rant on about how Navi is completely useless.

Although I'm trying to do this on my own Kellana Fay finally tells me to go to the Lost Woods. I figure "Fine, might as well. I guess it's better to beat the game with someone holding my hand than not at all." 

I meet the elf chick (penny in the air). She teaches me a new song, blabbers on a bit more and I head back to the village. I turn off the system and roll over to go to sleep. I'm about to drift off into the land of boobs and beer when it hits me (penny drops). Saria = elf chick. Goddammit, I'm a fucking retard.

Suddenly, I'm thinking back to every time when Navi said "Hey!" and I told her to shove it. To be fair, if she was saying "Wouldn't it be cool if we told Impa we were going to save Hyrule?" that'd be a pretty useless bit of the game. I mean, why not just have Impa tell you everything before poofing off into God knows where?

I go to Death Mountain and all the Gorons are telling me Big Brother is locked UP in his room. Of course "up" is actually on the bottom floor. Nice choice of words, assholes. I play him the song that Saria (the real Saria) taught me. He dances about and I laugh my ass off. Honestly, that was hilarious. You can't convince me otherwise. 

Now I get to blow shit up. I'm excited about this. There should be more explosive plants. Not just in video games but IRL. How fucking cool would that be? Someone pisses you off and you throw a rose at them. Take that, bitches.

This is another point in Zelda lore that I have to ask "Why couldn't someone else have done this?" I'm a small ten year old boy. Gorons are massive beasts that are so bad-ass they FUCKING EAT ROCKS. Logically couldn't they have blown this shit up and taken back their cave? No, they have to rely on some pre-pubescent late bloomer.

I walk into the cave and GOD DAMMIT. Fucking Beamos. I hate those bastards! Now they don't just shoot lazers, they fucking track you! Christ, really? Like they weren't a pain in my ass already? Fuck those guys. Fuck them hard.

After some how out running the short sighted bastards (pun intended) I get to a room with exploding metapod. I thought Link had an addiction to explosives in LttP. Now I think the designers just want to make everything that shouldn't blow up do just that.

Could you imagine if more creatures did this after death? Everyone's standing around, mourning grandma when BOOM! The bitch erupts out of her coffin creating a four foot crater.

I go on to fight these Gex looking creatures who all buy hand me my ass on a silver platter.

"Here you are sir, your own buttocks."

"Why thank you, kind Lizard man, I'll surely be back for more."

As I was, however this time I fell into the lava and wow... holy shit... that's morbid. I have to imagine there were many a child scarred by seeing Link face down, engulfed in flames. Personally, I couldn't stop laughing. Not because I have a dislike for our silent hero but because I'm just a generally horrible person. Honestly, that's fucking sick and I love it. Judge me if you must.