OoT: The Male Gerudo

For two hundred years the Gerudo have had nothing but women. First off that statistic is pretty staggering. It reminds me of a certain SNL skit in which the doctor was just lopping off the penises of male babies and claiming they were female. That male Gerudo is none other than Ganondorf.

Why is it that people who live in the desert tend to be assholes? They're all "It's sacred land blah blah blah". So fucking what? You've got sand in your vag and it's clearly rubbing you the wrong way. Get the fuck out of the desert! You can still send your daughters on a quest through the sandstorm of doom to prove they're ready to be women, they'll just have to cross Hyrule field first. Trust me, it's not that big of a deal. I've done it hundreds of times just hunting down the Poe.

Instead of relocating, Ganondorf infiltrates the land of Hyrule. I want to point out now that Zelda and I totally tried to warn these bastards so it's their fault and I don't feel the least bit bad.

Then he tries to kidnap the princess. He claims it was to obtain the triforce piece but we all know he wanted a piece of that. He's got his pick of the litter back home but I take it he prefers blonds... and seven year olds.

The more I learn about this guy the more I start to realize how much of a prick he is. Let's look past the obvious. Kidnapping, treason, world domination, these things I can accept. I want to go deeper.

He clearly has abandonment issues. I'm no Freud but this dude clearly needs a father figure. You'd think that someone raised by only women would have the upmost sympathy for females, but apparently he was overloaded by the hormones and snapped. Being the only dude in a red river of crazy bitches, that'll do it.

Which brings me to his sense of entitlement. Never before have I met a man so full of himself simply because he has a penis. I get that guys feel superior due to their extra appendage, but imagine this guy's thought process. "Hey, I can beat up everyone else in this village, then have sex with them!" Just because you have the first dick in two centuries doesn't mean you have to act like one. It kind of sounds to me like he's overcompensating. Imagine that, first male in two hundred years and he's got a small wiener. Talk about demoralizing.

Ganondorf is your stereo-typical male chauvinist pig (get it?). He treats everyone like they're below him. What he really needs is to get laid... consensually. Unfortunately, every chick he tries to pick up books it via horse power or pulls some crazy ninja shit. Let's face it, that's too much work. He'd be better suited for a cheerleader, a stuck up bitch. Someone that will nag at him night and day and eventually either break his spirit or lead him to spousal abuse... he needs Ruto.

If only Ruto had been a bit older, or if they had actually met face to face and spent some time together. I think everyone's problems would be solved. G-dog would finally get some pussy, Ruto would stop calling me on Friday nights asking of my whereabouts and Zelda and I could get our freak on in every room of the castle.

In short: people need to move out of the desert and get the sand out of their vaginas. Maybe the next male they have won't be such a massive prick.

LttP Take 3: Aghanim/Ganon

Before going into this I finished up my treasure hunting. I can't stress enough how ridiculous some of these hiding spots were. I ended up getting everything but 8 pieces of heart.

I also discovered that I could have been upgrading the amount of arrows/bombs I can hold this whole fucking time. This is a game clearly not made for cheap people, like myself. First time around I threw a few rupees in the pond. Nothing came of it so I decided not to waste my funds as I didn't have much at the time. I allowed this wishing well to disappear from memory as it seemed like a total scam. I figured it would just grant me more "happiness" and maybe change the color of the bunny I turn into. As I didn't like turning into the rabbit in the first place I could care less about what shade it was. Fuck it, point being it would have made more sense to at least hint that if I blindly throw my money into a small body of water I'd receive something useful.

Then I found out I could double my magic power, er rather, cut how much I use in half. Christ, this game really doesn't hint the player towards the things that will actually help! There are signs telling you to ignore people that can actually help you, characters that will sick guards on you upon first glance and myriad of people telling me completely useless information but only once does someone mention sprinkling magic powder on my enemies?! I'm sorry but a hard to find bowl isn't exactly tops on my list of people to attack with anthrax. Those assholes throwing spears might want to think twice about checking their mail, but I'm sure as shit not going to go out of my way to pour an unknown substance into a defenseless receptacle.

The actual boss battles were rather hard, which is probably the only time the difficulty level was appropriate. Of course, leading up to the Aghanim there was no learning curve so I was completely unprepared for the shit storm that was to ensue.

While exploring this level I notice there were no new enemies. Everything I encountered in the tower was something I had already met up with. I knew how to beat them. It wasn't just swinging a sword, there were different ways to easily defeat certain foes. Almost every item came into play. I enjoyed this. It's what I expected out of a final level. However, when it's only slightly more difficult than many levels prior and the three or four dungeons leading up to it were all but kids play you can see what I mean by no learning curve.

Beating Aghanim felt good. There's not really any other way to put it. I felt accomplished. Then the bastard turns out to be Ganon all along (like I didn't see that coming).

Before having the fight Ganon a second time (or first, depends on your p.o.v.) I'm able to restock on magic and fairies. If this hadn't been an option I imagine my controller would have met a very unfortunate fate.

It took me probably seven tries to finally be Ganon and I admit I watched a video on how to do so. It was a pain my ass but rightly so. It was, after all, the final battle. I have to say these two fights were probably the only ones that I can't really complain about. That's not to say there wasn't a LOT of swearing. I mean A LOT. Like, a shit load of swearing. So much swearing that I'm sure sailors would have asked me to tone it down.

My first Triforce.

Timing worked out pretty awesome for this. I just happened to have both my best friend and my girl friend in the room for it. As they're the ones that insisted upon me playing this horrid game, I'm glad they got to witness not only my extreme frustration but my ultimate triumph. I very easily could have been playing this on my own, as I did much of the game, when I finally won. I'm glad my peeps were there with me. I don't want to sound cheesy but it's a great memory. I literally jumped out of my chair when I beat Ganon and the three of us all but cracked a bottle of champagne.

On to Ocarina of Time. I'm excited to play this game. May the way of the hero lead to the triforce.