Ocarina of Time: Deku Tree

I often hear of people's annoyance towards Navi. I can understand this already. It (he? she?) doesn't exactly start off on the right foot. The little shit flies into my house, wakes me up and starts calling me names. What a bitch.

For the first ten or fifteen minutes I'm essentially put through training regiments, which were probably useful when the game was on the N64 but I'm using a Wii Classic Controller. Hey, Nintendo, thanks for upgrading your game data. What the fuck is "c" on this controller? For that matter what am I supposed to use for the yellow arrows? I don't imagine it'd be too hard to go back through the game and change what the text says. Hopefully everything will eventually be second nature. For now it's quite awkward as far as the controls go.

I know in LttP you could gain rupees by chopping down grass or running into rocks but for some reason picking up and smashing stones is so much more entertaining to me. I noticed some poor guy humping a rock so I'm like "The fuck you doin', bro?" and he's all "Mido told me to." I figure I'll help him out, since he's clearly having problems. I lift these rocks like no problem. Dude must have been weak as fuck. It still made me beyond happy gaining monetary value via chucking small boulders.

I can't remember who else mentioned this Mido guy but I already get the impression that he's a total douche. I'm told I have to go to the Deku tree. I try to do just this and what happens? Fucking Mido is squatting in my way. First, he starts talking shit about how I'm not a real man because I don't have a fairy. This logic is already lost on me. Then he tells me I can't go on without a sword and shield. I'll tell you what, as soon as I get these items I know exactly where I'm going to shove them. Fucking asshole. At least I'm not named after period medicine.

My first impression of the Deku tree? Oh. My. God. That tree has a mustache. This is the greatest thing ever. I can throw rocks to get money and the tree we all pray two has a 'stache? This game already fucking pwns.

My second impression of the Deku tree? FUCK! SPIDERS! I'm perfectly split on how I feel about this level. The pyromaniac in me loves it. The arachnophobic in me hates it.

So, I'm rudely awakened. Insulted by multiple characters and attacked by spiders. This game really can't cut me any slack. 

Now every time I get near a door Navi feels the need to tell me I can't go through it if there are bars in the way. No fucking shit of course when it comes to figuring out to light something on fire the most this thing can tell me is "That looks like it was on fire at one point" (paraphrased). It is a fucking torch, you dumbass. I think I could have figured that out on my own. How about instead of reminding me multiple times that I'm incapable of walking through solid material you remind me that I have sticks which are flammable. It honestly took me far too long to figure that out. 

Then again, the first use I thought of for the sticks turned out to be wrong so I just put them in the back of my mind. I mean, seriously, someone tells me to ricochet a nut back at something and I'm holding a wooden phallic object my initial thought is "Take me out to the ball game". Apparently that's wrong. It'd be too easy to use the twigs as bats. When I'm in a fight I fight back. I don't pull out my shield and hope to God they somehow hurt themselves. Clearly Hyrule doesn't have a baseball team.

I drop down further into the Tree's insides. Was nobody else concerned about the idea of mulling around in oak intestines? I'm lighting all kinds of things on fire and playing pinball with shrubberies. Somehow I make it through to this mechanic spider-bitch. I poke her in the eye a few times and she dies. I feel triumphant yet at the same time I'm wondering if maybe the Deku tree could have been saved if they sent a fucking exterminator in there every once in a while. A ten year old boy who JUST got his fairy accomplished this with little difficulty. Why had no one else tried? 

I'm then treated to a very intriguing history of the Triforce only for it to end with the death of my new found friend. Why couldn't Ganon have put a curse on Mido? Why did the Deku tree have to die? He had such a sweet mustache. I now feel this is personal. Anyone that could disrespect such amazing facial hair in this fashion must pay. If for no other reason, I will slit his throat for this.

LttP Take 3: Aghanim/Ganon

Before going into this I finished up my treasure hunting. I can't stress enough how ridiculous some of these hiding spots were. I ended up getting everything but 8 pieces of heart.

I also discovered that I could have been upgrading the amount of arrows/bombs I can hold this whole fucking time. This is a game clearly not made for cheap people, like myself. First time around I threw a few rupees in the pond. Nothing came of it so I decided not to waste my funds as I didn't have much at the time. I allowed this wishing well to disappear from memory as it seemed like a total scam. I figured it would just grant me more "happiness" and maybe change the color of the bunny I turn into. As I didn't like turning into the rabbit in the first place I could care less about what shade it was. Fuck it, point being it would have made more sense to at least hint that if I blindly throw my money into a small body of water I'd receive something useful.

Then I found out I could double my magic power, er rather, cut how much I use in half. Christ, this game really doesn't hint the player towards the things that will actually help! There are signs telling you to ignore people that can actually help you, characters that will sick guards on you upon first glance and myriad of people telling me completely useless information but only once does someone mention sprinkling magic powder on my enemies?! I'm sorry but a hard to find bowl isn't exactly tops on my list of people to attack with anthrax. Those assholes throwing spears might want to think twice about checking their mail, but I'm sure as shit not going to go out of my way to pour an unknown substance into a defenseless receptacle.

The actual boss battles were rather hard, which is probably the only time the difficulty level was appropriate. Of course, leading up to the Aghanim there was no learning curve so I was completely unprepared for the shit storm that was to ensue.

While exploring this level I notice there were no new enemies. Everything I encountered in the tower was something I had already met up with. I knew how to beat them. It wasn't just swinging a sword, there were different ways to easily defeat certain foes. Almost every item came into play. I enjoyed this. It's what I expected out of a final level. However, when it's only slightly more difficult than many levels prior and the three or four dungeons leading up to it were all but kids play you can see what I mean by no learning curve.

Beating Aghanim felt good. There's not really any other way to put it. I felt accomplished. Then the bastard turns out to be Ganon all along (like I didn't see that coming).

Before having the fight Ganon a second time (or first, depends on your p.o.v.) I'm able to restock on magic and fairies. If this hadn't been an option I imagine my controller would have met a very unfortunate fate.

It took me probably seven tries to finally be Ganon and I admit I watched a video on how to do so. It was a pain my ass but rightly so. It was, after all, the final battle. I have to say these two fights were probably the only ones that I can't really complain about. That's not to say there wasn't a LOT of swearing. I mean A LOT. Like, a shit load of swearing. So much swearing that I'm sure sailors would have asked me to tone it down.

My first Triforce.

Timing worked out pretty awesome for this. I just happened to have both my best friend and my girl friend in the room for it. As they're the ones that insisted upon me playing this horrid game, I'm glad they got to witness not only my extreme frustration but my ultimate triumph. I very easily could have been playing this on my own, as I did much of the game, when I finally won. I'm glad my peeps were there with me. I don't want to sound cheesy but it's a great memory. I literally jumped out of my chair when I beat Ganon and the three of us all but cracked a bottle of champagne.

On to Ocarina of Time. I'm excited to play this game. May the way of the hero lead to the triforce.

LttP Take 3: Turtle Rock

... or as I like to call it Super Fucking Mario World. There are pipes, bowling balls chained up and cacti that you have to kill one layer at a time. I know I felt like Nintendo was getting lazy by making the previous boss just a cluster of optical receptors but I'm on a mission to save a blonde from an evil doer and they model this entire level after fucking Mario?! Jesus Christ.


This is without a doubt the most tedious fucking level. Even when using a walkthrough. There are so many steps I had to take just to get to the boss. It was bad enough trying to avoid or kill the enemies but I've got Cyclops hiding in the fucking rocks.


After watching a video I noticed I was missing quite a few items. Four to be exact. I decided to go treasure hunting yet again. At least this time it proved helpful. As a first time player I must ask, how the fuck did anyone ever find these items without the internet?! I've played through this entire game without any need for an ice rod. Suddenly it's an absolute necessity and I was supposed to get it before the fire rod. How in the hell? Yet another example of the developers relying on the player getting bored and wandering about. Lifting random rocks on a whim.


I also blow up part of the castle and upgrade my sword to gold. This is bullshit. Gold would be a terrible material to make a sword out of. Haven't these assholes ever played Minecraft? Yeah, it's pretty but it's going to be fucking useless as far as defense goes. For those that don't think fourth dimensionally out there, that Minecraft bit was a joke.


I also feel the need to point out that the Master Sword is supposed to be the absolute best. The God Tier of swords. Why the fuck does it need to be upgraded? Way to contradict yourselves you Hylian cunts.


Well, now that I have my chilly dildo (my chilldo, if you will) I'm ready to take on this dungeon. Aside from the obvious frustrations (cluster fucks of enemies, falling to my death, not knowing what the fuck to do) as I said this dungeon is the must tedious goddamn level I have ever had to deal with. Trying to figure out that stupid-ass roller coaster is such bull-shit. It's hard enough without the spinning fire balls. Oh, look, yet another "coincidental similarity" to Mario World. Lazy pricks.


On top of all this there are so many times when that yellow swirl comes after me and I turn into a goddamn pink rabbit. Seriously, whose idea was this? Who said "Hey, sometimes Link should be a useless fucking bunny. That should improve the game significantly!" I hope they lynched that fucker.


After going through all kinds of bullshit (see above) I finally get to the boss. After finally beating it I realized the boss himself (herself?) wasn't that hard. It's more intimidating than anything. I thought the fire breather scorpion was brick-shit inducing, this motherfucker has three goddamn heads, shoots fire and ice and the middle head just jumps out at you at seemingly random intervals. If this were IRL, Zelda could go fuck herself. I'm watching the game. What game? Don't care. Baseball, football, hell I'll watch soccer but I'm sure as fuck not taking on any three headed elemental scorpions ten times bigger than myself. I digress. Using both my wicked-wiener and my chilldo I'm able to kill off the fire/ice heads. There's a fairly impressive explosion which gave me false hope. I thought the bastard was dead. Then the middle head starts wriggling around. I stab him multiple times in the gut and he blows up again. I half expected him to keep fighting but thankfully that didn't happen.


So, if the boss wasn't that hard, what was? Keeping myself properly stocked. At least three times I had to go all the way through the dungeon and all over both worlds to find a damn fairy cave so I could stock up. Then I had to go to the shroom addict to get more magic potion just to fucking die again. GODDAMMIT! I have to go on a ten minute mission just to return and get my ass handed to me. It took four or five times for me to realize not to rely solely on my magic abilities. I have to not only stun it but I have to run up and flail my sword about. NOW, that's what I call bullshit! Vol. 4.


I'm just glad to be done with that fucking dungeon. I've now freed all seven maidens. Ganon's next. Not looking forward to it. In the mean time I'm going to get wasted.

LttP Take 3: Misery Mire

THE FUCKING FLUTE CALLS THE BIRD?! WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW THE FUCK?! WHEN THE FUCK?! *flips table* This could have saved a lot... A LOT of time. Seriously, at what point was I to assume that just because I free a duck from a statue that makes him forever in my debt? Looking at the size of it I have to assume it can't be too easy to give Link a lift. Christ this could have saved me some time. Fucking douchebag duck.


Thank God for tutorials because I never would have figured that out and I sure as shit would never have gotten the Ether, which I needed to stop the rain and summon the cave mouth from the black lagoon. Believe it or not I figured that much out all on my lonesome. If only they could label things more often. I see a lightning bolt, I use a lightning bolt. Finally these bastards throw me a bone.


After having to walk across spikes to get to a skull-jar I figure there must be some item I'm missing. Something that makes it so I don't have to impale myself just to step on a damn switch. Time to go treasure hunting. 


All treasure hunters have a map and mine is Zeldadungeon.net... judge me if you must. Reading through the items walkthrough makes me think they really put too much into finding some of this crap. Nobody I talked to said a damn thing about a gravestone lifting and as no other gravestones are able to be lifted there was nothing to suggest I should run full speed, head first into one particular granite monument. Game developers gave way too much credit to early gamers. I can't imagine how many children wound up committed to an insane asylum because of these games. I'm starting to think it was a good thing I never played games as a kid. There would have been many-a broken television.


Now that I've got the cape I have two options. A) I can go around dungeons without getting hurt or B) I can spy on the girls at the Hyrule gym. Personally, I think it'd be worth draining all my magic power for ten seconds in said locker room. That's enough fantasizing, I've got srs business to get to. 


Making my way around the sixth dungeon was about on par with the rest of this game. Although still less frustrating than Skull Woods. The navigation was fairly simple. In fact, I never even got the compass. There's an entire room still blacked out on my map. For all I know there are girls on trampolines covered in strawberry syrup. Of course in 8-bit I'm not sure how arousing that would be, but I'm still going to imagine that's what's in that particular room.


The amount of enemies in this level was mind boggling. It's just plain absurd. Without the red shield I imagine this task would be much more difficult if at all possible. 


The cane was a rather useful tool but only used once. I'm hoping it plays a bit more of a roll in the next dungeon. 


As far as bosses go I think it's clear they were just getting lazy at this point. It's eyeballs. As I've just acquired the cape I'm able to easily hide myself. I mean, he's no exactly going to sniff me out. I do this long enough to get rid of a good majority of the little ones. Then the big eye starts floating around and I stab it quite a few times. To the point, in fact, that I was starting to doubt it was working. 


I must say of all enemies this one should have been much easier to kill than the others. I've been poked in the eye before and GOD-DAMMIT that hurts! Could you imagine being stabbed in the eye? Not jabbed with a pen or even shanked with a fork but out right stabbed in the eye with the sword that makes evil piss itself? I call bullshit on this enemy. I should have been able to stab that bastard just once and make him my bitch.


Side note: fuck it, I'm not googling images anymore. It started out as cute, got out of hand and now it's just a pain in the ass.

LttP Take 3: Ice Palace

Fuck it. I've now resorted to the crutch known as the walkthrough. Say what you will but honestly I was sick of wasting hours upon hours trying figure out inane bullshit that some twat told me days prior.

That bit about other warp tiles finally paid off. I imagine if Nintendo was a class it would go something much like this.

"Jot down notes because this will be on your final exam."

"But it's only the first day of school..."

"Fuck you, kid."

Seriously, when it comes to LttP get a notepad. Think of it as an investment.

Back on track. When I first walked into this place I thought "Wow, what a beautiful dwelling made of ice. I bet I could melt this bitch pretty easy." Think about it, burn the place down. Level complete. I at least thought my self-heating dildo would play a larger roll than just taking down the first enemy.

I know I can use it on all my foes and maybe that's what they want me to do, but honestly I find it makes more sense to use quake. It takes up more magic power but kills a good majority (if not all) of the little shits at once. Besides, they often drop magic refills. It's amazing, they actually programmed it to give me something I need. Then again, in this case if they didn't I imagine there'd be many more death threats sent to Nintendo HQ.

I'm wandering around this freezing hell with my flaming shlong. It only takes until B1 before I get confused. *checks walkthrough* Honestly, who thinks "Hey, a switch. Instead of flipping it like a normal person I'm going to put a fucking bomb next to it!"? I guess one could argue that that's why the jar in the room contains a bomb. To that person I say "fuck you". If by this point you think this game gives you what you need every time you're a boob. There's nothing to suggest that you'll always be given what you need.

After blowing up the floor (seriously, Link, you have an addiction to explosives) and repelling down I'm attacked by two super skeletons. Again, I don't blame the supposed "bad guys". I'm wandering around their house destroying shit. I deserve this. Zelda tells me that I need something other than the sword. Logic states: if bones and rock burn in the dark world and I'm wielding a fire cock this should annihilate the caped-cadavers. Nope, I need bombs. No, that makes total sense... *grumbles angrily*

I go through all kind of bullshit including a moving floor that changes direction without warning, slamming you into a spiked wall while spooky-ass ghosts fly back and forth. Walking on a very narrow ledge with rotating flame balls. All that eventually leads to yet another ice room with an army of penguins only to find out that taking that particular path is a bad idea. FUCK.

I'm eventually forced through a door that leads only to certain death in the form of a massive spiked rock. I knew I should have just blown up more floors.

I die yet again, make my way back through the below zero death traps only to find out that blowing up the floor on B2 is not an option. In other words I have to take on this massive spiked rock thing. NOW! That's what I call bullshit Vol. 3

I feel like a moron. If I stand in the doorway nothing hits me. This is one of the most basic things I learned early as fuck in the game. Clearly I was intimidated by the size. It happens to the best of us.

Going to the right is locked so I venture to the left. I find myself in a terrible Stephanie Meyer D&D scenario. "You're in a dungeon. The floors are sparkling and there's no option of suicide."

Forget this. I back track and head north. The floor falls out. Yet again a sparkly floor. Christ, is the boss of this place Elton John?

This is fun. I get my ass kicked and instead of taking life they take magic. Something that's a fucking necessity to pass even the first fucking room. I die and now I can't continue on. What the serious FUCK?! I have to wander around until a random minion decides to give me some magic. I also purchase some magic goop from the 'shroom addict.

After sleeping a good nine hours I watched two episodes of Doctor Who and booted up the console. Not only was this the easiest dungeon yet but it was by far the weakest boss. I see three puffy eyeballs trapped in ice. Finally, my wicked wiener is useful!

I may have been hit a few times by the falling snow (Yet again, how does this hurt? Are there bricks in the snow?!?! Who put bricks in the snow?!) After melting the beasts' enclosure and drinking the magic goop the creatures died pretty quickly. I lost maybe four hearts.

All in all I upgraded my garb, got a few more heart containers and freed another maiden. I'm getting pretty good at this.

LttP Take 3: Gargoyle's Domain

Right off the bat this is another prime example of earlier actions meaning NOTHING. In the light world you play the flute to wake up the bird in the center of town. In the dark world that bird is replaced with a gigantic demon. Logic states that I should play the flute. Nope, just tug on the long object between his legs and he'll grant you access.

Upon entering the dungeon I see that my first enemy is... Spyro. Fucking seriously? As far as enemies go this dungeon seems to be fairly simple. Aside from the annoyance of constantly being turned into the useless fucking rabbit. The least the programmers could have done is given you super speed if they're not going to let you defend yourself.

This is a dungeon in which the map is almost a necessity. Other wise you have to play guessing games to figure out where the doors are. Despite that It's actually pretty simple to navigate. Of course if Link were out of shape there'd be no way he'd get through this endeavor. A good portion of the floors are treadmills. Which is only made that much more difficult as it seems ALL the minions are using them at once. At least we've finally found a group of bad guys that are health conscious.

After exploring all three levels the only bit of advice I'm given is to not trust the blind thief. Well, no shit, Zelda. Maybe tomorrow when I call you up you can remind me that Nutella is delicious.

I do understand that this means he's more than likely got a trick up his sleeve. I think I could have figured that out on my own. Especially after I saw the maiden guarded only by a small handful of dragons.

I get this stupid bitch and she's telling me she wants to go outside. Well, fuck you, I've got this new key and I'm going to find out what it unlocks. Okay, so I know what it unlocks but the bitch can hold her bladder while I explore the room. Oh... yay... I get titan gloves. Now I can lift rocks that I couldn't before. Oh, you mean dark green ones? At least that's what I'm assuming. I've tried lifting small dark green rocks to no avail. Massive light green boulders, no problem. Apparently dark green means it's made of dark matter.

I decide it's time to let the bitch out before she pisses on me. I swear It's like she's a dog that can't figure out doorknobs. There's only one real exit and she doesn't want to use it. I figure maybe we'll go up to level three. Nope, she doesn't want to go there either. Christ this bitch is infuriating.

Fuck it, check the internet. What? I'm supposed to explode the floor? Oh, like I haven't tried that already. I see cracked flooring now and I instinctually want to blow it to high heaven. My first time around I tried doing that and not one part of the floor wanted to give. I figured the developers were just fucking with me again. I gave up on that strategy because it didn't fucking work. Now you're telling me it does work but only in one spot? How the fuck was I supposed to figure that out?! God fucking dammit. Fuck you game developers.

I bring the twat to the boss room and push her into the light. Sadly she's not a vampire. This would have made things very quick. Oh hey, I just remembered fucking forever ago when some chick told me the blind thief doesn't like the light. That was weeks ago. Fucking useless bitch. I throw a bomb at the only unreachable cracked floor. Holy shit it works. -.-

So, the annoying cunt turns into a pissed off orderly that keeps growing new heads like a hydra. The extra heads start shooting fire balls at me. If only I had a shield that could block those... *mumbles* Goddamn fucking pickit plants.

Now I have to travel all the way across the land and into the light world to once again upgrade my swag.

Yet again I load up on fairies and swing my sword wildly and everyone thinks I'm a hero. In that sense I love this game. Act like you know what you're doing and everyone will praise you. Read a book and you're a hero. Take on a quest that quite literally ANYONE could take on and suddenly you're a ten year old messiah. Brilliant.

LttP Take 3: Skull Woods

Although this was a relatively small dungeon it was still the equivalent to sitting on shards of glass during a hemorrhoid outbreak. Between the possessed gourds steeling my shit and the hand of God punishing me for standing still for too long I was about ready to put my fist through a wall.

I feel there's one room specifically to blame for the majority of my frustration. The room just before you get the big key. As if two mummies and two floating blue orbs weren't bad enough I've got to deal with Thing molesting me while I try to move a damn statue. Seriously, could they have given this room any more bullshit? The only room worse than this (to my knowledge thus far) was written, directed, produced by and starred Tommy Wiseau.

After finally getting the big key I was finally able to discover what was in the tantalizing large chest. It's a flaming dildo that kills those mummy fucks with one hit. Talk about too little too late. I could have used this shit when I was hacking at the bastards for ten minutes a piece while dodging the great fondler from above.

Luckily for me Kellana Fay was accompanying me for this level and didn't let me waste too much time before cluing me in to "kill it with fire". Okay, so stone burns in the dark world. Good to know.

Believe it or not I had almost no issue navigating blindly to get to the key in this level. I was rather impressed with myself for being to able to bump into the right walls despite being under a non-transparent bridge. Which, if I recall correctly, they had the ability to make it transparent. I guess they either got lazy or just wanted to piss off the gamer.

From here out it was a nice basic "kill the enemies, open the door" dungeon. By now I had figured out that if I turn down the hardcore heavy metal playing from my iTunes, Molester McFondle actually has the 8-Bit equivalent of a battle cry. This makes him much easier to avoid.

The boss fight was rather simple. I'm almost positive I was supposed to dodge and weave the spiked cubes and throw fire balls at Mothra but I fuck that shit. I'm a true warrior. I filled my three jars with fairies and stabbed to my heart's content. To be honest it was a damn good stress reliever after having to make it through that particular dungeon.

Besides, the odds of you having enough magic power to fight this beast with your phallic flame thrower are staggering. This is where it occurred to me that Nintendo never took into consideration to give you what you actually need. I'll be going crazy with the constant reminder that I'm about to die and some pee-on minion will give me a rupee. I'm maxed out on rupees. I don't need rupees. I'm the goddamn Bill Gates of rupees! Let me strike down these little bastards and rip out their still beating hearts!

I digress. By the time I dropped into this treadmill hell I had maybe half my magic power. I spent it and then brutally stabbed this mutant vermin until he coughed up the third maiden. I suggest you do the same.