OoT: The End

A.k.a. MM: The beginning


The final fight was once again on par with what I expected. What I didn't expect was to stab the dude in the face. I know that these games are on some level violent, albeit cartoon violence over anything too realistic, but good Lord! I stabbed the man in the face! Not going to lie, I enjoyed every minute of it.


Then I'm in the clouds for some unexplained reason and Zelda becomes a fucking indian-giver. Completely over-looks the fact that I chucked out a gift from a now dead friend of mine and takes my ocarina. What's worse is she sends me back to being a child so all my efforts go completely unrecognized. How fucking depressing is that?


"Look, Link, I know you just saved everyone in existence from a lifetime of servitude but nobody will ever know. Also, I'm not going to put out."


Then she fucking leaves for some dumb-ass reason. Honestly I don't remember why she took off, but at least the bitch gave me my ocarina back. Oh and some how I got Epona. They haven't explained that part yet... not sure if they ever will.


Alright, so we all know the story. Skull kid, Majora's Mask, creepy fucking moon plummeting to Earth (or whatever planet this is supposedly taking place on). Of all the eery masks hanging on walls and suspicious people I have to say Tingle is the creepiest thing in this game so far and I doubt I'll change my mind on that.


The dude is thirty-five years old, floating around on a balloon, wearing tights (some sort of aero-erotic behavior? I think so!) He talks up little boys and offers to sell them goods. Not to mention that fucking look he has on his face. This dude just creeps me out in a very bad way. I'd rather have that moon painted on my ceiling than ever meet someone cosplaying as Tingle.


I find myself getting sidetracked by mini-games and side-quests significantly more. I don't know if that's because there's more of them or if they're just more clumped together due to the town being larger and your main base.


I noticed something that neither Kellana Fay nor Dick Steel had ever caught. The guy that plays inside the windmill in OoT (Guru-Guru) is in the hotel with the Gorman Troupe. After nightfall on the first day he's told to go outside because he's being too loud. He's found near the laundry pool on the first night. He's playing The Song of Storms (like always). The next day it rains. Coincidence? I think not.


So, I've gotten all the way up to the boss of the Woodfall Temple. I've collected all the fairies and opened all the chests. I believe I've gotten all the goodies out of this place. So, what makes this accomplishment so great? I've done it all without the help of a walkthrough. I'm doing my best to not rely on hints for this game.

OoT: Stupid Witches

The Spirit Temple isn't very note-worthy. I found it interesting that I had to go back and forth in time to get complete the level but there isn't much to talk about other than the bosses, Twinrova.


These two witches have got to be the dumbest sacks of crap. There are a lot of ways that a person can be born. I personally believe that you can be born gay, straight, black, white, disfigured, blind, deaf, with an attraction to giraffes, etc. However, from my experience witches tend to choose what they study.


These sisters decided to study elements that can directly harm each other. Fucking brilliant. That's like saying "Hey, my sibling is allergic to peanuts. I'm going to become a peanut and hang out with her all day, everyday." 


When you notice your sister is studying fire and you're told to choose an element CHOOSE EARTH! They've clearly never played Pokemon.


Let's say they didn't choose their elements. They were given them at birth. Okay, then wave goodbye to your sister. Keep in touch via letters of some kind. If you have the potential to kill each other with a hug just walk away. Better yet, the parents could have developed some sort of intelligence and separated the two at birth.


They never would have bonded and I think the two of them would have made for good mini bosses. Include the tale of them being separated at birth. It would have made for an excellent side story.


As if all that wasn't bad enough they make camp in the very dungeon that holds a reflective shield capable of deflecting their magic. For God's sake there's a desert waste land not fifty yards from your castle! Chuck it into the sandy abyss and be done with that shit!


These two have to be the most brainless characters in this entire game. However, they make for a very sexy cosplay. 


After that I went treasure hunting. I was down quite a few heart containers so I sang to the frogs, raced Dampe, planted some beans and did a number of other side quests. 


The only treasures I'm not worried about are the rest of the Gold Skulltulas, the ice arrows and the Biggoron Sword. I've seen what I have to do and the rewards I'll receive and I have to say I'm not really concerned.

OoT: The Male Gerudo

For two hundred years the Gerudo have had nothing but women. First off that statistic is pretty staggering. It reminds me of a certain SNL skit in which the doctor was just lopping off the penises of male babies and claiming they were female. That male Gerudo is none other than Ganondorf.

Why is it that people who live in the desert tend to be assholes? They're all "It's sacred land blah blah blah". So fucking what? You've got sand in your vag and it's clearly rubbing you the wrong way. Get the fuck out of the desert! You can still send your daughters on a quest through the sandstorm of doom to prove they're ready to be women, they'll just have to cross Hyrule field first. Trust me, it's not that big of a deal. I've done it hundreds of times just hunting down the Poe.

Instead of relocating, Ganondorf infiltrates the land of Hyrule. I want to point out now that Zelda and I totally tried to warn these bastards so it's their fault and I don't feel the least bit bad.

Then he tries to kidnap the princess. He claims it was to obtain the triforce piece but we all know he wanted a piece of that. He's got his pick of the litter back home but I take it he prefers blonds... and seven year olds.

The more I learn about this guy the more I start to realize how much of a prick he is. Let's look past the obvious. Kidnapping, treason, world domination, these things I can accept. I want to go deeper.

He clearly has abandonment issues. I'm no Freud but this dude clearly needs a father figure. You'd think that someone raised by only women would have the upmost sympathy for females, but apparently he was overloaded by the hormones and snapped. Being the only dude in a red river of crazy bitches, that'll do it.

Which brings me to his sense of entitlement. Never before have I met a man so full of himself simply because he has a penis. I get that guys feel superior due to their extra appendage, but imagine this guy's thought process. "Hey, I can beat up everyone else in this village, then have sex with them!" Just because you have the first dick in two centuries doesn't mean you have to act like one. It kind of sounds to me like he's overcompensating. Imagine that, first male in two hundred years and he's got a small wiener. Talk about demoralizing.

Ganondorf is your stereo-typical male chauvinist pig (get it?). He treats everyone like they're below him. What he really needs is to get laid... consensually. Unfortunately, every chick he tries to pick up books it via horse power or pulls some crazy ninja shit. Let's face it, that's too much work. He'd be better suited for a cheerleader, a stuck up bitch. Someone that will nag at him night and day and eventually either break his spirit or lead him to spousal abuse... he needs Ruto.

If only Ruto had been a bit older, or if they had actually met face to face and spent some time together. I think everyone's problems would be solved. G-dog would finally get some pussy, Ruto would stop calling me on Friday nights asking of my whereabouts and Zelda and I could get our freak on in every room of the castle.

In short: people need to move out of the desert and get the sand out of their vaginas. Maybe the next male they have won't be such a massive prick.

OoT: Bongo Bongo

For the most part the Bottom of the Well and the Shadow Temple aren't really much to write home about. There are only a few minor gripes and one BIG one. You can probably tell by the name of the blog what the majority of my bitching is going to be about.


Minor gripe one: walking into walls. Until I found the map I was walking along side of the walls like Helen fucking Keller. Feeling around until the wall decided to stop being a wall. Far too many times I'd fall through the floor and about shit my pants. For some dumb-ass reason I found the compass before the map. It was rather strange just seeing orange marking with no idea what the actual rooms looked like. 


Even with the map it was still a bitch and a half to figure out when I was doomed to possibly break my fucking leg and deal with those goddamn Redeads again.


On the opposite end of the spectrum, once I found the Eye of Truth I learned to really enjoy using it. I found it to be a pretty interesting addition to the game. I like that it doesn't really eat up much magic power.


Minor gripe two: The Shadow Temple. Yeah, the entire temple. Rather, going back through the temple after dying or entering a different room. I felt there were far too many pain-in-the-ass enemies. Simple foes, fine. Keese, skulltula, even the wallmasters weren't too bad. It was the constant attacks by the Skeleton Knights that really got annoying. Especially on that fucking ship.


Every time I'd get my ass handed to me by Bongo Bongo I'd have to go back through the temple to the ship, fight off two Skeleton Knights, get off the boat in time. Whether I did or not I still had to listen to Navi's bullshit about the ship sinking. Good for it, I'm on the other side of the fucking room. I could care less if the door can fit both Jack and Rose I saved my ass, fuck them. Learn to swim next time, bitches.


I then had to navigate the rather pointless room of Tetris ledges. The only reason this shit is to make you use the hover boots. I hate the fucking hover boots. I've been saying since the beginning of this game there should be a jump button. Apparently this is something that's lacking in all Zelda games. If I could fucking jump I wouldn't need to dress up like the bitch of the Gods... fucking Hermes bitch-ass...


Then there's Bongo Bongo. I can't stress enough... FUCK THIS LEVEL! Even keeping him in frame was a fucking head ache. He spins around and bounces you in the air. This pretty much makes Z-targeting either impossible or counter-productive. I had to wait for him to attack so that I could give him a boo-boo. He shakes his hand like a limp-wristed catcher. That's when I have to give his other hand an ouchie. Then he gets angry and charges at me. God forbid my timing here is even slightly off because the shit head isn't going to make a second charge. Nope, it's back to square one.


Let me tell you, dodging this armless fuck wasn't exactly easy. He's slapping, clapping, punching, squishing, I feel so sorry for this man's dick. If he treats him member anything like he treats me I... oh... shit... now he's treating me as if I'm his penis. Dammit, Nintendo, was that really necessary? I mean, I get picked up and shaken in a vertical, up and down motion. How is this NOT masturbatory reference? 


Oh, and the only way I can see what the fuck I'm doing is to use the Eye. Every time I cut a hand it drops magic potion. I have a choice of getting it or attacking the other hand. Naturally I would go for the injury. By the time I got the chance to grab the magic it was either gone or I was back on the trampoline of aggravation. Basically, I couldn't run out of magic without being fucked, but I could actually fight this cock sucker without using up my magic. 


Luckily I never actually did but it was a constant worry. It was more stress on my mind in a battle that almost had me lose my classic controller. I don't know if it's because my carpet cushioned the blow or Nintendo knows it's games make players rage hard fucking core but I'm just glad didn't have to clean up bits of plastic from under my bed.


I kid you not, Bongo Bongo was the most frustrating boss yet. That includes all of LttP. There was simply too much going on and too few opportunities to fight him. I could feel the tension filling my room when he finally died. I was screaming inside my head "I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF THIS IS A TWO PART BATTLE MY FIST IS GOING THROUGH A WALL!"


Alas, it was not and I could once again breathe. I skipped a lot of the Gerudo training and I'm at the Spirit Temple as an adult. Some of the things I've learned have sparked a rant. I'll blog it later. Look forward to it, it's a good one. *shakes fist demandingly* Look forward to it!!!!

OoT: Water Temple

For the six of you that read this blog I'm sure you've been waiting for my reaction to the Water Temple. I've heard horror stories. In fact, one of the few comments I've ever receive on this site was after I beat LttP. 


"All I'm going to say is..."Water Temple" Good luck. :D Gratz on beating LttP."


In Kellana Fay's blog she said "So far, he’s finished the Forest Temple, and only gotten confused or lost once. Can anyone say Water Temple?"


I was told the words "Water Temple" would give a Zelda fan nightmares for weeks. They would wake up in a cold sweat, crying. Okay, maybe that's a little exaggerated.


Regardless, I was a bit worried about even entering this dungeon. I couldn't even fathom what was in store. The confusion, the anger, the frustration. I was prepared to purchase a new classic controller. I thought I might end up in the hospital with high blood pressure.


That being said, I must ask.


Are you people serious? When I play video games my language could make a sailor blush. I would have been just fine playing this level with a priest in the room. I'm not trolling. I had almost no problem with this level.


I'll admit it sucked having to continually switch between boots, but that's about it. I checked the walkthrough ONCE and that was to figure out how to get a Gold Skulltula. Not how to find it, but how to get it. I didn't think to charge my sword to open the cell. 


Aside from that I found it pretty straight forward as to what I should do next. Paying attention to the map really helps you to figure out where to go next. Checking your surroundings keeps you aware of where you are. There are plenty of landmarks to help you with this.


Dark Link was one of the easiest mini-bosses. He doesn't even fight back, hardly. Just play some Whack-a-Dark-Link with Thor's hammer and use Din's Fire once he starts going bat-shit. 


Seriously, he goes bat-fucking-shit insane! I actually found it rather funny. I could only imagine what was going through Link's mind at that point. Here's a guy who hasn't even tried to defend himself the first few times you crack his skull then suddenly he's just wildly flailing his sword. I'd probably shit myself in this scenario. This is the point at which I realized I wouldn't be able to get another swing in so I lit the bastard on fire.


Once I got the extended hookshot things got even easier and I'll stop short of saying it made the boss battle a cinch. Pull him in, hack and slash, run away, repeat. 


Water Temple beat, Bottom of the Well beat, currently playing through the Shadow Temple.

OoT: Darunia the Douche

Goron city is going through a famine, which is more or less because the entire race consists of picky eaters. How the hell does an entire civilization allow themselves to starve because they don't like the taste of certain rocks? For that matter, do rocks really have different tastes? 

The whole lot of them are just standing around, dying of starvation because there are boulders blocking their path. That's like saying America can't eat because there's a huge carrot in the way of our steak. I think after a certain amount of time a group of us would get together and take one for the team. We'd eat the carrot and go on with our lives.

Meanwhile, their leader has decided his plan of action is to throw a temper tantrum and lock himself in his room. WHAT THE FUCK?! He can't break down that which is blocking his people's food source because he's butthurt? 

He waits for a ten year old kid to come along and play him a song just so he'll feel better. Even then he doesn't fight to save his kind. No, Darunia sends the child (who can't even lift stones without the help of a bracelet) into a dangerous dungeon to save a race that isn't even his own. In other words, Link has a bigger pair than this dbag.

After defeating the dungeon Darunia grants you the title of "Sworn Brother". Oh, great, now I have to be siblings with this chicken-shit.

Seven years later all the Gorons (save Link of the Gorons) have been kidnapped by Ganondorf for showing resistance. I find this highly unlikely because that implies that their commander did something other than run and hide. He actually lead them into a battle of some sort. Something I just couldn't see being done by that pussy.

Once again it is on your shoulders to save the Gorons. Before entering Death Mountain you meet a very large fellow. He informs you that his blades are better than his brother's. I'm fairly certain the two of them are just trying to shank you out of your rupees. Two hundred for a knife? I'd say shove it, but I don't see anywhere that you could. Do you fuckers just completely dissolve the stones in your stomachs? Do you never shit? The digestive track of the Gorons must be something truly amazing.

After meeting the gargantuan duo I must wonder how Darunia earned the nick-name "Big Brother". He's roughly average in size and has no courage what-so-ever. He's not literally nor figuratively "big". Does he have such stature simply because he discovered hair gel and won't tell anyone else about it?

Inside the Fire Temple you meet him yet again. Only he's on the other side of the room. He tells you that he'll go ahead while you free the imprisoned Gorons. Then he takes off into the boss room and he's not heard from until after you beat Volvagia.

This bothers me... a lot.

First, he clearly has the ability to get across lava. Some how his stumpy little legs allow him to clear pits of boiling magma. Or perhaps his Goron skin allows him to walk right over it without issue. Whatever the reason may be this shows that he's fully capable of taking on this dungeon by himself.

Second, why doesn't HE free his people?! I understand he's too much of a coward to engage in any kind of battle but he could at least walk his fat-ass over to a switch and stand on it for two seconds. Hell, when he talks to you he's actually closer to the first prisoner than you are. This tub of lard would ask you to pass the remote because it was out of arms reach.

Third, he goes into the boss room. How the hell did he get the key without freeing ANY of his friends?! The boss key is in a cell for God's sake!

When he leaves he says he'll go ahead of me, as if he's waiting for me to show up and help him. In reality he waits for me to leave the room and slips out the backdoor.

I don't understand why he went in there without me in the first place. This is a completely illogical move. Help just arrived and he ignored it. It's like if FEMA had shown up to New Orleans and everyone said "Nah, we're gunna try to do this on our own first. Come back in a few days. Tell George we said 'Hello'."

It would have even been nice if he couldn't go into the room because he didn't have the key and in turn came with me as I freed everyone. It would have been nice to have a bodyguard. I mean, Nintendo can put me in charge of a prissy princess but they can't give me some backup when I'm inside of a FUCKING VOLCANO?! I can't tell you how useful he would have been. Maybe he could have held down the flare dancer while I hacked and slashed? That certainly would have saved me quite a few bombs. Also, stop calling them the "Goron's Special Crop" they're fucking bombs. When your number one export is explosives it's going to make life a lot easier to just say "bombs".

After doing all the dirty work I finally show up to the boss room and where the hell is he? Nowhere to be found and Volvagia hasn't so much as been slapped. Like I said, he slipped out when I wasn't looking.

I take on this fire breathing demon with Mjolnir all by myself. Afterwards Darunia shows up and tells me what a good job I did. 

This means nothing to me, asshole. I don't seek the approval of leaders who put the lives of their people in the hands of others. What's that? You're a sage? Big fucking whoop, you still don't own a pair of balls.

OoT: 7 Years Later...

Anyone that knows me can tell you that I get a raging hard on whenever time travel is mentioned. Seriously, it's like insta-boner. Time travel is what peaked my interest in this series. It was pretty much the selling point. Aside from the fact that my friends can't shut the hell up about it, but you all already know that much.


Naturally, I was a little let down when I started the game and wasn't immediately awarded a TARDIS. I was a child running around fields thwacking the bad guys. It was interesting, yes, but I wasn't quite in love with the game.


As I sat there and watched Impa and Zelda ride off, fleeing from Ganondorf I knew shit was about to go down. I had all three stones and Zelda just gave me a shiny new Ocarina.


I'd like to digress for just a second and say something about this. After you receive the Ocarina of Time you seem to ditch your old one. There's no sign of it ever existing. I'm sorry, but that's a serious dick move on Link's part. Your childhood friend gave you that. You may never see her again and you just chuck it in the moat?! What. A. Douche.


Next thing I know I'm waking up and seven years have gone past. The mystery surrounding my absence, the excitement to see what all had changed, hell that entire video gave me goose-bumps. Suddenly, I remember what it was like being a child on Christmas. I honestly can't contain myself at this point and I'm about to wet myself.


That being said. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! These people took it upon themselves to force me into a fucking coma for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! They let all my friends (and that cock sucker Mido) believe I was dead for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! I understand they're looking out for their precious Hyrule, but I had a life, man! I missed middle school, my first kiss, my first grope. I can't even go to prom because I haven't been to school a single day for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!


I guess the people over at Nintendo haven't ever known someone that's been in a coma. Allow me to explain something. If you don't use your muscles for... let's say... sevenfuckingyears... they tend to become slosh. There's a thing called rehab and it's not just for druggies. Instead of seeing a video of Link relearning how to manually release his bowels (or for that matter, hold them in) I'm immediately sent on a mission to save the world. What's that all about? Can't I at very least get a cup of coffee? I just woke up! To the game's credit at least Navi didn't pull that "lazy boy" bullshit again.


I'm told not to be alarmed when I first see myself as I've grown up quite significantly. This is how I now I haven't been in a stasis chamber, which would have allowed me to step right out with no need for rehabilitation. However, I'd still be a ten year old boy. Because I have grown up, I'm in need of new clothing. What do they get me? Essentially the same damn thing I was already wearing. I'm sorry, but when you're expecting the goddamn HERO OF TIME to wake up you get him some nice threads. I'm about to go save every one of their sorry asses and they can't deck me out in some fucking armor?! Have they not seen what Ganondorf is wearing?! It's a little more protective than a fucking tunic!


I meet Sheik, the Sheikah. Wow, that's clever. I imagine someone lost a whole night's sleep coming up with that name. A whole bunch more blabbering FOR GOD'S SAKE I WANT TO PLAY NOW!


Finally, I can embark on my quest! I should get an award for sitting through all that! I feel like I've just read a long winded blog by some overrated youtuber... wait... ignore that last comment.


I get the hookshot. Seriously, my favorite weapon thus far. It's a pretty big item, but Link's a bamf. He don't give a fuck. He holds that shit one handed like a goddamn gangsta.


I make my way through the maze and to the forest temple. The temple itself is kind of nauseating. With all the twisted hallways and the one room with the rotating blocks, but if you look at it from above it kind of looks like the room is moving around you. It honestly made me feel queazy. Strangely enough, I think it was my favorite dungeon so far. It was spooky and I like spooky. I like how the place was decorated. Of all the places in Hyrule I think I'd like to live here. You've got a great defense out front and just beyond that woods that are near impossible to navigate. Nobody would ever bother you.


I kill the Poe sisters, little to no problem. Although, I have to wonder what their parents were thinking. You've got Meg, Amy, Beth and Joelle. Joelle? Is that even a name? It sounds like her parents desperately wanted a boy to name Joe because they'd simple run out of girl names they like. Poor girl didn't even get a fun fire color. It's just orange. Would red really have been too much to ask? I actually feel kind of bad for her. She's boring and has a stupid name.


This boss in this level is Phantom Ganon. Dude's a fucking badass. Scary as all hell, that's for sure. Popping out of paintings and shit. Is it bad that I often find myself more in awe of the bad guys than wanting to kill them? I strike him down and the real Ganon was all "Well, fuck this guy, he was clearly too easy to beat". Then he banishes him to the space between dimensions.


Wait.


The space between dimensions?! You mean... THE VOID?! *puts on old fashioned 3D glasses* Shit just got real.