OoT: Darunia the Douche

Goron city is going through a famine, which is more or less because the entire race consists of picky eaters. How the hell does an entire civilization allow themselves to starve because they don't like the taste of certain rocks? For that matter, do rocks really have different tastes? 

The whole lot of them are just standing around, dying of starvation because there are boulders blocking their path. That's like saying America can't eat because there's a huge carrot in the way of our steak. I think after a certain amount of time a group of us would get together and take one for the team. We'd eat the carrot and go on with our lives.

Meanwhile, their leader has decided his plan of action is to throw a temper tantrum and lock himself in his room. WHAT THE FUCK?! He can't break down that which is blocking his people's food source because he's butthurt? 

He waits for a ten year old kid to come along and play him a song just so he'll feel better. Even then he doesn't fight to save his kind. No, Darunia sends the child (who can't even lift stones without the help of a bracelet) into a dangerous dungeon to save a race that isn't even his own. In other words, Link has a bigger pair than this dbag.

After defeating the dungeon Darunia grants you the title of "Sworn Brother". Oh, great, now I have to be siblings with this chicken-shit.

Seven years later all the Gorons (save Link of the Gorons) have been kidnapped by Ganondorf for showing resistance. I find this highly unlikely because that implies that their commander did something other than run and hide. He actually lead them into a battle of some sort. Something I just couldn't see being done by that pussy.

Once again it is on your shoulders to save the Gorons. Before entering Death Mountain you meet a very large fellow. He informs you that his blades are better than his brother's. I'm fairly certain the two of them are just trying to shank you out of your rupees. Two hundred for a knife? I'd say shove it, but I don't see anywhere that you could. Do you fuckers just completely dissolve the stones in your stomachs? Do you never shit? The digestive track of the Gorons must be something truly amazing.

After meeting the gargantuan duo I must wonder how Darunia earned the nick-name "Big Brother". He's roughly average in size and has no courage what-so-ever. He's not literally nor figuratively "big". Does he have such stature simply because he discovered hair gel and won't tell anyone else about it?

Inside the Fire Temple you meet him yet again. Only he's on the other side of the room. He tells you that he'll go ahead while you free the imprisoned Gorons. Then he takes off into the boss room and he's not heard from until after you beat Volvagia.

This bothers me... a lot.

First, he clearly has the ability to get across lava. Some how his stumpy little legs allow him to clear pits of boiling magma. Or perhaps his Goron skin allows him to walk right over it without issue. Whatever the reason may be this shows that he's fully capable of taking on this dungeon by himself.

Second, why doesn't HE free his people?! I understand he's too much of a coward to engage in any kind of battle but he could at least walk his fat-ass over to a switch and stand on it for two seconds. Hell, when he talks to you he's actually closer to the first prisoner than you are. This tub of lard would ask you to pass the remote because it was out of arms reach.

Third, he goes into the boss room. How the hell did he get the key without freeing ANY of his friends?! The boss key is in a cell for God's sake!

When he leaves he says he'll go ahead of me, as if he's waiting for me to show up and help him. In reality he waits for me to leave the room and slips out the backdoor.

I don't understand why he went in there without me in the first place. This is a completely illogical move. Help just arrived and he ignored it. It's like if FEMA had shown up to New Orleans and everyone said "Nah, we're gunna try to do this on our own first. Come back in a few days. Tell George we said 'Hello'."

It would have even been nice if he couldn't go into the room because he didn't have the key and in turn came with me as I freed everyone. It would have been nice to have a bodyguard. I mean, Nintendo can put me in charge of a prissy princess but they can't give me some backup when I'm inside of a FUCKING VOLCANO?! I can't tell you how useful he would have been. Maybe he could have held down the flare dancer while I hacked and slashed? That certainly would have saved me quite a few bombs. Also, stop calling them the "Goron's Special Crop" they're fucking bombs. When your number one export is explosives it's going to make life a lot easier to just say "bombs".

After doing all the dirty work I finally show up to the boss room and where the hell is he? Nowhere to be found and Volvagia hasn't so much as been slapped. Like I said, he slipped out when I wasn't looking.

I take on this fire breathing demon with Mjolnir all by myself. Afterwards Darunia shows up and tells me what a good job I did. 

This means nothing to me, asshole. I don't seek the approval of leaders who put the lives of their people in the hands of others. What's that? You're a sage? Big fucking whoop, you still don't own a pair of balls.

OoT: 7 Years Later...

Anyone that knows me can tell you that I get a raging hard on whenever time travel is mentioned. Seriously, it's like insta-boner. Time travel is what peaked my interest in this series. It was pretty much the selling point. Aside from the fact that my friends can't shut the hell up about it, but you all already know that much.


Naturally, I was a little let down when I started the game and wasn't immediately awarded a TARDIS. I was a child running around fields thwacking the bad guys. It was interesting, yes, but I wasn't quite in love with the game.


As I sat there and watched Impa and Zelda ride off, fleeing from Ganondorf I knew shit was about to go down. I had all three stones and Zelda just gave me a shiny new Ocarina.


I'd like to digress for just a second and say something about this. After you receive the Ocarina of Time you seem to ditch your old one. There's no sign of it ever existing. I'm sorry, but that's a serious dick move on Link's part. Your childhood friend gave you that. You may never see her again and you just chuck it in the moat?! What. A. Douche.


Next thing I know I'm waking up and seven years have gone past. The mystery surrounding my absence, the excitement to see what all had changed, hell that entire video gave me goose-bumps. Suddenly, I remember what it was like being a child on Christmas. I honestly can't contain myself at this point and I'm about to wet myself.


That being said. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! These people took it upon themselves to force me into a fucking coma for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! They let all my friends (and that cock sucker Mido) believe I was dead for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! I understand they're looking out for their precious Hyrule, but I had a life, man! I missed middle school, my first kiss, my first grope. I can't even go to prom because I haven't been to school a single day for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!


I guess the people over at Nintendo haven't ever known someone that's been in a coma. Allow me to explain something. If you don't use your muscles for... let's say... sevenfuckingyears... they tend to become slosh. There's a thing called rehab and it's not just for druggies. Instead of seeing a video of Link relearning how to manually release his bowels (or for that matter, hold them in) I'm immediately sent on a mission to save the world. What's that all about? Can't I at very least get a cup of coffee? I just woke up! To the game's credit at least Navi didn't pull that "lazy boy" bullshit again.


I'm told not to be alarmed when I first see myself as I've grown up quite significantly. This is how I now I haven't been in a stasis chamber, which would have allowed me to step right out with no need for rehabilitation. However, I'd still be a ten year old boy. Because I have grown up, I'm in need of new clothing. What do they get me? Essentially the same damn thing I was already wearing. I'm sorry, but when you're expecting the goddamn HERO OF TIME to wake up you get him some nice threads. I'm about to go save every one of their sorry asses and they can't deck me out in some fucking armor?! Have they not seen what Ganondorf is wearing?! It's a little more protective than a fucking tunic!


I meet Sheik, the Sheikah. Wow, that's clever. I imagine someone lost a whole night's sleep coming up with that name. A whole bunch more blabbering FOR GOD'S SAKE I WANT TO PLAY NOW!


Finally, I can embark on my quest! I should get an award for sitting through all that! I feel like I've just read a long winded blog by some overrated youtuber... wait... ignore that last comment.


I get the hookshot. Seriously, my favorite weapon thus far. It's a pretty big item, but Link's a bamf. He don't give a fuck. He holds that shit one handed like a goddamn gangsta.


I make my way through the maze and to the forest temple. The temple itself is kind of nauseating. With all the twisted hallways and the one room with the rotating blocks, but if you look at it from above it kind of looks like the room is moving around you. It honestly made me feel queazy. Strangely enough, I think it was my favorite dungeon so far. It was spooky and I like spooky. I like how the place was decorated. Of all the places in Hyrule I think I'd like to live here. You've got a great defense out front and just beyond that woods that are near impossible to navigate. Nobody would ever bother you.


I kill the Poe sisters, little to no problem. Although, I have to wonder what their parents were thinking. You've got Meg, Amy, Beth and Joelle. Joelle? Is that even a name? It sounds like her parents desperately wanted a boy to name Joe because they'd simple run out of girl names they like. Poor girl didn't even get a fun fire color. It's just orange. Would red really have been too much to ask? I actually feel kind of bad for her. She's boring and has a stupid name.


This boss in this level is Phantom Ganon. Dude's a fucking badass. Scary as all hell, that's for sure. Popping out of paintings and shit. Is it bad that I often find myself more in awe of the bad guys than wanting to kill them? I strike him down and the real Ganon was all "Well, fuck this guy, he was clearly too easy to beat". Then he banishes him to the space between dimensions.


Wait.


The space between dimensions?! You mean... THE VOID?! *puts on old fashioned 3D glasses* Shit just got real.

OoT: Things Sure Have Changed...

A.k.a. I really hate Princess Ruto


The Zora used to be these dragon-like creatures that would pop up and shoot fire at you. The Octorok used to be land dwelling octopus without a targeting system. They just sort of shot in all four directions. Lastly, the Stalchildren didn't even exist until this game. 


So, why didn't they name the Octorok the Zora? The M.O. is quite similar to the Zora of years prior. I think people would have understood a slight change. Logically the Stalchildren, who look suspiciously close to Dry Bones, could have just as easily been Octorok. As for these completely new aquatic extra-terrestrials, I think people would have accepted if they were called Stalchildren or hell, come up with a new name. This is a fantasy world, you're allowed to do that. 


Why take the names of characters that we know as one thing and completely change their appearance and attitudes? Nintendo clearly just took these creatures identities and completely broke them down to nothing and rebuilt. There was really no need for that. I know King Zora sold me flippers in the LttP but suddenly he's a fat-ass fish whose only purposes are to keep unworthy people from seeing Jabu-Jabu and making sure every drop of Hyrule's water gets filtered through his butt crack.


On to the game play. I blame everything on Princess Ruto. All the Biri, Bari, Stinger, Tailpasaran, even the red slimy things. She's supposed to be in charge of all of Jabu-Jabu's meals. Therefore all these things are her fault. Except the Shabom, I blame that on indigestion. Which, is perfectly understandable. Look at all the shit she's been feeding him! I think if I ate that many flying centipede I'd have more than just bubbles that fought back!


Throughout this level Princess Ruto is nothing less than the biggest pain in the ass since hemorrhoids. Seriously, bitch, you can't walk yourself? You got in here somehow, didn't you? Stand the fuck up and use your legs.


God forbid I should fuck up even the slightest and lose her in the water or enter a room before picking her up. She runs back to the last checkpoint and stands there waiting to scold Link. At one point I left her on the bottom floor, scaled the wall and there she was! How in the hell did she get up there so fast?! 


Isn't she just the embodiment of women? She wants to be carried EVERYWHERE unless there's a chance that she can give you shit. Then she'll gladly go out of her way, fucking teleport ahead then wait just to tell you what a horrible excuse for a man you are.


Even when you're forced to leave her behind she nags at you.


"I can't believe you'd leave me. BLAH BLAH BLAH"


"I was fighting a possessed appendage, I would have gladly brought you with and used you as bait. Not as an offering or a sacrifice but just because I don't fucking like you. Unfortunately, I needed your fat ass to hold down the switch. Waka waka, motherfucker"


The only other time this bitch remembers how to use her legs is when there's a shiny piece of jewelry at stake. Could she be any more of a stereotypical cunt? I think Nintendo was subtly warning young boys to stay the fuck away from this type of female. She makes the mission loads more difficult and complains constantly. Subconsciously this has to have effected many a lives. In a good way, mind you. I don't see many nerds dating stuck up mall bitches... of course I'm not sure that's entirely Zelda's doing. I think Mario, Sonic and Cheetos are just as much at fault.


After finally ridding myself of the obnoxious brat things actually get a bit easier. Compared to dealing with a woman the Barinade is a cinch. I won't lie, I died once and swore many other times but I was glad to be finished with Ruto... wait...


GODDAMMIT, REALLY BITCH?! I just fucking fought through the gut of this massive fish and you're bitching because you were lonely?! I'm play you the galaxy's smallest violin, you useless pile! Talk about first world problems. I just risked my life playing out a twisted version of Jonah and you're going to blame me for taking too long?! This reminds me waaaaay too much of an ex of mine. She would pull this exact stunt. I'm bloody and bruised and she'd be filing her nails whining "I'm boooooored". FUCK. YOU.


So, what's my reward for expelling evil from the stomach of a fish god? Essentially at ten years old I get engaged to the most annoying character thus far in the series. Compared to Ruto, Navi is white noise. I could listen to her ALL day. I know she's just telling me the same shit I've heard a thousand times but it's better than anything that the Princess would have to say. 


I genuinely wish I could take her to Death Mountain and throw her in. Maybe have my owl friend fly her as high as he can fly and just let go. Put her on a stake in the middle of Hyrule field in the middle of the night and let the Stalchildren take care of her. I don't care how it's done, just kill her off or make her useful.

OoT: Brain Fart

Saria = elf chick. I've been repeating this for the last two days. Why? Because apparently I can pay attention to everything in a video game except the names of the characters.

I get past the guards with little trouble. Something I expected to be much more difficult. For fuck's sake this is a land that's constantly being invaded. You'd think they'd have better patrols. The men they've hired to aimlessly wander about in the strange maze-like hedges are far beyond under qualified. They can only see what's in front of them? They don't rely on their hearing at all?! No wonder the princess keeps getting kidnapped. I agree with the guy in Kakariko, there's nothing but lazy little shits being hired nowadays. Looking busy but not actually accomplishing anything.

I meet Zelda, she teaches me a cool jam and we spy on the shadiest looking mother fucker in all of Hyrule. Seriously, how do they not know this guy is evil? He looks like he kills babies to relax. I know we shouldn't judge on appearances but every other good guy I've met so far radiates kittens and happiness and rainbows. Ganondorf doesn't exactly give off that vibe.

I get sent on a mission by who I now know is Impa. The obvious "Save Hyrule yada yada yada. Help me Obi Linkenobe you're our only hope." This is where I derp my herp so fucking hard I herpaderpa. Yes, that's internet gibberish. No, it's not supposed to makes sense. That's kind of the point.

For some unknown reason (I blame John Cusack) I had it in mind that Impa was Saria. Don't ask me who I thought the ocarina chick that clearly wants Link's naughty parts was, because I don't have a damn clue what the hell I was thinking. 

I'm fucking around for an accumulated two or three hours. Trying to help some bitch find her dog, collecting chickens, talking to some un-evolved creeper in the cemetery, buying and selling masks but not actually getting anywhere with the story line. Navi keeps pissing me off saying "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we told Saria we were going to save Hyrule?" (paraphrased, because fuck you.) 

I'm thinking "Why the fuck would I go tell the person who JUST SENT ME ON THE FUCKING MISSION?!" Naturally, I ignore her because clearly I know more than the game developers and the thousands if not millions of people who have beaten this game. I finally quit out of boredom and inform my comrades that they're crazy for thinking this game was any good. I rant on about how Navi is completely useless.

Although I'm trying to do this on my own Kellana Fay finally tells me to go to the Lost Woods. I figure "Fine, might as well. I guess it's better to beat the game with someone holding my hand than not at all." 

I meet the elf chick (penny in the air). She teaches me a new song, blabbers on a bit more and I head back to the village. I turn off the system and roll over to go to sleep. I'm about to drift off into the land of boobs and beer when it hits me (penny drops). Saria = elf chick. Goddammit, I'm a fucking retard.

Suddenly, I'm thinking back to every time when Navi said "Hey!" and I told her to shove it. To be fair, if she was saying "Wouldn't it be cool if we told Impa we were going to save Hyrule?" that'd be a pretty useless bit of the game. I mean, why not just have Impa tell you everything before poofing off into God knows where?

I go to Death Mountain and all the Gorons are telling me Big Brother is locked UP in his room. Of course "up" is actually on the bottom floor. Nice choice of words, assholes. I play him the song that Saria (the real Saria) taught me. He dances about and I laugh my ass off. Honestly, that was hilarious. You can't convince me otherwise. 

Now I get to blow shit up. I'm excited about this. There should be more explosive plants. Not just in video games but IRL. How fucking cool would that be? Someone pisses you off and you throw a rose at them. Take that, bitches.

This is another point in Zelda lore that I have to ask "Why couldn't someone else have done this?" I'm a small ten year old boy. Gorons are massive beasts that are so bad-ass they FUCKING EAT ROCKS. Logically couldn't they have blown this shit up and taken back their cave? No, they have to rely on some pre-pubescent late bloomer.

I walk into the cave and GOD DAMMIT. Fucking Beamos. I hate those bastards! Now they don't just shoot lazers, they fucking track you! Christ, really? Like they weren't a pain in my ass already? Fuck those guys. Fuck them hard.

After some how out running the short sighted bastards (pun intended) I get to a room with exploding metapod. I thought Link had an addiction to explosives in LttP. Now I think the designers just want to make everything that shouldn't blow up do just that.

Could you imagine if more creatures did this after death? Everyone's standing around, mourning grandma when BOOM! The bitch erupts out of her coffin creating a four foot crater.

I go on to fight these Gex looking creatures who all buy hand me my ass on a silver platter.

"Here you are sir, your own buttocks."

"Why thank you, kind Lizard man, I'll surely be back for more."

As I was, however this time I fell into the lava and wow... holy shit... that's morbid. I have to imagine there were many a child scarred by seeing Link face down, engulfed in flames. Personally, I couldn't stop laughing. Not because I have a dislike for our silent hero but because I'm just a generally horrible person. Honestly, that's fucking sick and I love it. Judge me if you must.

Ocarina of Time: Deku Tree

I often hear of people's annoyance towards Navi. I can understand this already. It (he? she?) doesn't exactly start off on the right foot. The little shit flies into my house, wakes me up and starts calling me names. What a bitch.

For the first ten or fifteen minutes I'm essentially put through training regiments, which were probably useful when the game was on the N64 but I'm using a Wii Classic Controller. Hey, Nintendo, thanks for upgrading your game data. What the fuck is "c" on this controller? For that matter what am I supposed to use for the yellow arrows? I don't imagine it'd be too hard to go back through the game and change what the text says. Hopefully everything will eventually be second nature. For now it's quite awkward as far as the controls go.

I know in LttP you could gain rupees by chopping down grass or running into rocks but for some reason picking up and smashing stones is so much more entertaining to me. I noticed some poor guy humping a rock so I'm like "The fuck you doin', bro?" and he's all "Mido told me to." I figure I'll help him out, since he's clearly having problems. I lift these rocks like no problem. Dude must have been weak as fuck. It still made me beyond happy gaining monetary value via chucking small boulders.

I can't remember who else mentioned this Mido guy but I already get the impression that he's a total douche. I'm told I have to go to the Deku tree. I try to do just this and what happens? Fucking Mido is squatting in my way. First, he starts talking shit about how I'm not a real man because I don't have a fairy. This logic is already lost on me. Then he tells me I can't go on without a sword and shield. I'll tell you what, as soon as I get these items I know exactly where I'm going to shove them. Fucking asshole. At least I'm not named after period medicine.

My first impression of the Deku tree? Oh. My. God. That tree has a mustache. This is the greatest thing ever. I can throw rocks to get money and the tree we all pray two has a 'stache? This game already fucking pwns.

My second impression of the Deku tree? FUCK! SPIDERS! I'm perfectly split on how I feel about this level. The pyromaniac in me loves it. The arachnophobic in me hates it.

So, I'm rudely awakened. Insulted by multiple characters and attacked by spiders. This game really can't cut me any slack. 

Now every time I get near a door Navi feels the need to tell me I can't go through it if there are bars in the way. No fucking shit of course when it comes to figuring out to light something on fire the most this thing can tell me is "That looks like it was on fire at one point" (paraphrased). It is a fucking torch, you dumbass. I think I could have figured that out on my own. How about instead of reminding me multiple times that I'm incapable of walking through solid material you remind me that I have sticks which are flammable. It honestly took me far too long to figure that out. 

Then again, the first use I thought of for the sticks turned out to be wrong so I just put them in the back of my mind. I mean, seriously, someone tells me to ricochet a nut back at something and I'm holding a wooden phallic object my initial thought is "Take me out to the ball game". Apparently that's wrong. It'd be too easy to use the twigs as bats. When I'm in a fight I fight back. I don't pull out my shield and hope to God they somehow hurt themselves. Clearly Hyrule doesn't have a baseball team.

I drop down further into the Tree's insides. Was nobody else concerned about the idea of mulling around in oak intestines? I'm lighting all kinds of things on fire and playing pinball with shrubberies. Somehow I make it through to this mechanic spider-bitch. I poke her in the eye a few times and she dies. I feel triumphant yet at the same time I'm wondering if maybe the Deku tree could have been saved if they sent a fucking exterminator in there every once in a while. A ten year old boy who JUST got his fairy accomplished this with little difficulty. Why had no one else tried? 

I'm then treated to a very intriguing history of the Triforce only for it to end with the death of my new found friend. Why couldn't Ganon have put a curse on Mido? Why did the Deku tree have to die? He had such a sweet mustache. I now feel this is personal. Anyone that could disrespect such amazing facial hair in this fashion must pay. If for no other reason, I will slit his throat for this.

LttP Take 3: Aghanim/Ganon

Before going into this I finished up my treasure hunting. I can't stress enough how ridiculous some of these hiding spots were. I ended up getting everything but 8 pieces of heart.

I also discovered that I could have been upgrading the amount of arrows/bombs I can hold this whole fucking time. This is a game clearly not made for cheap people, like myself. First time around I threw a few rupees in the pond. Nothing came of it so I decided not to waste my funds as I didn't have much at the time. I allowed this wishing well to disappear from memory as it seemed like a total scam. I figured it would just grant me more "happiness" and maybe change the color of the bunny I turn into. As I didn't like turning into the rabbit in the first place I could care less about what shade it was. Fuck it, point being it would have made more sense to at least hint that if I blindly throw my money into a small body of water I'd receive something useful.

Then I found out I could double my magic power, er rather, cut how much I use in half. Christ, this game really doesn't hint the player towards the things that will actually help! There are signs telling you to ignore people that can actually help you, characters that will sick guards on you upon first glance and myriad of people telling me completely useless information but only once does someone mention sprinkling magic powder on my enemies?! I'm sorry but a hard to find bowl isn't exactly tops on my list of people to attack with anthrax. Those assholes throwing spears might want to think twice about checking their mail, but I'm sure as shit not going to go out of my way to pour an unknown substance into a defenseless receptacle.

The actual boss battles were rather hard, which is probably the only time the difficulty level was appropriate. Of course, leading up to the Aghanim there was no learning curve so I was completely unprepared for the shit storm that was to ensue.

While exploring this level I notice there were no new enemies. Everything I encountered in the tower was something I had already met up with. I knew how to beat them. It wasn't just swinging a sword, there were different ways to easily defeat certain foes. Almost every item came into play. I enjoyed this. It's what I expected out of a final level. However, when it's only slightly more difficult than many levels prior and the three or four dungeons leading up to it were all but kids play you can see what I mean by no learning curve.

Beating Aghanim felt good. There's not really any other way to put it. I felt accomplished. Then the bastard turns out to be Ganon all along (like I didn't see that coming).

Before having the fight Ganon a second time (or first, depends on your p.o.v.) I'm able to restock on magic and fairies. If this hadn't been an option I imagine my controller would have met a very unfortunate fate.

It took me probably seven tries to finally be Ganon and I admit I watched a video on how to do so. It was a pain my ass but rightly so. It was, after all, the final battle. I have to say these two fights were probably the only ones that I can't really complain about. That's not to say there wasn't a LOT of swearing. I mean A LOT. Like, a shit load of swearing. So much swearing that I'm sure sailors would have asked me to tone it down.

My first Triforce.

Timing worked out pretty awesome for this. I just happened to have both my best friend and my girl friend in the room for it. As they're the ones that insisted upon me playing this horrid game, I'm glad they got to witness not only my extreme frustration but my ultimate triumph. I very easily could have been playing this on my own, as I did much of the game, when I finally won. I'm glad my peeps were there with me. I don't want to sound cheesy but it's a great memory. I literally jumped out of my chair when I beat Ganon and the three of us all but cracked a bottle of champagne.

On to Ocarina of Time. I'm excited to play this game. May the way of the hero lead to the triforce.

LttP Take 3: Turtle Rock

... or as I like to call it Super Fucking Mario World. There are pipes, bowling balls chained up and cacti that you have to kill one layer at a time. I know I felt like Nintendo was getting lazy by making the previous boss just a cluster of optical receptors but I'm on a mission to save a blonde from an evil doer and they model this entire level after fucking Mario?! Jesus Christ.


This is without a doubt the most tedious fucking level. Even when using a walkthrough. There are so many steps I had to take just to get to the boss. It was bad enough trying to avoid or kill the enemies but I've got Cyclops hiding in the fucking rocks.


After watching a video I noticed I was missing quite a few items. Four to be exact. I decided to go treasure hunting yet again. At least this time it proved helpful. As a first time player I must ask, how the fuck did anyone ever find these items without the internet?! I've played through this entire game without any need for an ice rod. Suddenly it's an absolute necessity and I was supposed to get it before the fire rod. How in the hell? Yet another example of the developers relying on the player getting bored and wandering about. Lifting random rocks on a whim.


I also blow up part of the castle and upgrade my sword to gold. This is bullshit. Gold would be a terrible material to make a sword out of. Haven't these assholes ever played Minecraft? Yeah, it's pretty but it's going to be fucking useless as far as defense goes. For those that don't think fourth dimensionally out there, that Minecraft bit was a joke.


I also feel the need to point out that the Master Sword is supposed to be the absolute best. The God Tier of swords. Why the fuck does it need to be upgraded? Way to contradict yourselves you Hylian cunts.


Well, now that I have my chilly dildo (my chilldo, if you will) I'm ready to take on this dungeon. Aside from the obvious frustrations (cluster fucks of enemies, falling to my death, not knowing what the fuck to do) as I said this dungeon is the must tedious goddamn level I have ever had to deal with. Trying to figure out that stupid-ass roller coaster is such bull-shit. It's hard enough without the spinning fire balls. Oh, look, yet another "coincidental similarity" to Mario World. Lazy pricks.


On top of all this there are so many times when that yellow swirl comes after me and I turn into a goddamn pink rabbit. Seriously, whose idea was this? Who said "Hey, sometimes Link should be a useless fucking bunny. That should improve the game significantly!" I hope they lynched that fucker.


After going through all kinds of bullshit (see above) I finally get to the boss. After finally beating it I realized the boss himself (herself?) wasn't that hard. It's more intimidating than anything. I thought the fire breather scorpion was brick-shit inducing, this motherfucker has three goddamn heads, shoots fire and ice and the middle head just jumps out at you at seemingly random intervals. If this were IRL, Zelda could go fuck herself. I'm watching the game. What game? Don't care. Baseball, football, hell I'll watch soccer but I'm sure as fuck not taking on any three headed elemental scorpions ten times bigger than myself. I digress. Using both my wicked-wiener and my chilldo I'm able to kill off the fire/ice heads. There's a fairly impressive explosion which gave me false hope. I thought the bastard was dead. Then the middle head starts wriggling around. I stab him multiple times in the gut and he blows up again. I half expected him to keep fighting but thankfully that didn't happen.


So, if the boss wasn't that hard, what was? Keeping myself properly stocked. At least three times I had to go all the way through the dungeon and all over both worlds to find a damn fairy cave so I could stock up. Then I had to go to the shroom addict to get more magic potion just to fucking die again. GODDAMMIT! I have to go on a ten minute mission just to return and get my ass handed to me. It took four or five times for me to realize not to rely solely on my magic abilities. I have to not only stun it but I have to run up and flail my sword about. NOW, that's what I call bullshit! Vol. 4.


I'm just glad to be done with that fucking dungeon. I've now freed all seven maidens. Ganon's next. Not looking forward to it. In the mean time I'm going to get wasted.