Link to the Past: Take 2 Pt. 1

What took me an entire weekend to accomplish I was able to re-accomplish in less than twenty-four hours. I guess it makes a big difference when you know what you're doing and where you're supposed to go.

So, I went through all the motions; Michael Phelps, pink bunny, gigantic worm blah blah blah. I actually destroyed the little shit in less than ten minutes. Afterwards all I could say to myself was "Well, don't you just feel silly for all that hoopla?" As I never like to admit when I'm wrong I told myself to shut my mouth and sent a text expressing my joy.

To: K****

Sent: March 29, 1:51 PM

Suck it, Moldorm! KAPLOW KAPLOW I'M LINK MOTHERFUCKER!

Then I had to go to work. That part sucked. Especially since it's when I started coming down with some sort of sickness which prevented me from doing just about anything but sleep.

After a day or so of being on hiatus I get to the Master Sword, the cute little woodland creatures dance about (okay, not really but I think they should have) and I'm off to defeat evil.

I make my way through the castle and the evil hooded douche makes Zelda disappear. I, personally, had no problem with this. Unfortunately "Cool story, bro" was not an appropriate reaction to this particular event. In fact, it wasn't even an option. Yet another fail on the part of the game's designers.

The big bad man disappears, leaving me in the room alone to wonder "WTF was that all about?" After some poking about I'm able to open the curtains to discover that his big escape plan didn't go much further than the balcony.

He babbles on about some bs while I think to myself "Hey, I just got the sword that is supposedly the bane of all evil's existence. What should I do with it? I know! I'll stab this fucker with it." When he finishes his monologuing I walk up and give him a swift thrust to the gut. What's that do? It hurts me. How in the hell? He gets shanked and I take the punishment? This is not someone you want to screw with in prison.

So, despite this sword being talked up by every townsperson and his mother it's not of much real use. Aside from shooting magic when you have full life and taking out the putty people in fewer strikes I just busted my ass off for something that can't even kill the main bad guy.

Now I have to start thinking, which is not something I enjoy doing. If a close range attack won't do the trick how about an arrow? No reaction. I throw a bomb at him. No reaction. Seriously, what the fuck do I have to do to injure this asshole? I'm sure as hell not about to waste time trying to get through the castle in pristine condition just to find out shooting sword magic at him doesn't do a damn thing.

Before I go tossing things about I decide to consult the internet. It tells me to whack at one of his magical balls. Seriously? The game industry spends years teaching me to dodge what is thrown at me just so these dicks can come along and pull this crap? Fine. I'll whack his balls, but don't expect me to be happy about it.

Link to the Past: Take 1

A.k.a. "My First Rage Quit and How it Bit Me in the Ass!"

About a week ago I was told the first game I should play; Zelda: A Link to the Past. I was pretty excited about this as it seems to be a major topic of discussion with the people I tend to associate with.

There were a few bumps. Often times the game leaves it up to you to figure out things that don't really make sense. Prime example; the Book of Mudora. Seriously, who the fuck, in their right minds, bum rushes a book case because he/she can't get to the top shelf? That's what they have ladders for. Then again, I don't think it would have come to this if there was anyone watching the damn shop! What kind of keeper just walks away with no intentions on returning? I wandered about thinking maybe there was a side quest I needed to complete to make this moronic business owner return to his store. Finally, after ramming into a number of enemies and walls (purely out of boredom) it occurred to me that video games often teach children to destroy that which isn't theirs. With this train of thought I finished ransacking some poor saps house and headed back to the book store.

All this so that I could translate a language that I can only imagine must be common knowledge. When your town only has a total of a hundred or so books and your Rosetta Stone is bright green it tends to stand out. Either that or the citizens of Hyrule are a bunch of small minded, illiterate bastards. Which would explain why everyone is so weak willed they're more easily hypnotized than your average die hard political sheep during an election year.

All things considering I was having a good time playing this game. The story was simple but interesting and the majority of the enemies were challenging yet beatable. On a side note, they really should clue you in on the characters that you can't kill. I'm looking at you, Beamos.

I had gotten a pretty good handle on the game. Collect fairies, stab guards, chase medallions like you're Michael Phelps, yada yada yada.

So, I'm making my way through this tower after turning into some sort of pink rabbit. I'm still not totally sure what that was all about, but I'm certain it had something to do with those mushrooms I gave to the old dude. It takes me for goddamn ever to get to the top because these stupid ass blue blobs keep pushing me off ledges. Little did I know that was the game designers cute little way of letting me know of the bullshit to come.

I finally make it to the top and I'm facing this giant worm on crack. He's freaking out, bumping into walls and just all around having a bad trip. Despite having seen miniature forms of this "Moldorm" fellow and killing them by stabbing them in the face I notice his tail is flashing worse than the Porygon episode of Pokemon. I figure this is either a way to signal to the player "HEY, DIPSHIT, STAB HERE!" or the programmers have a serious hatred for epileptics. So, I stab him, he freaks out (as anyone would if a pink haired fruit loop invaded their home and greeted them with a piece of sharp metal to the ass) and he pushes me off the ledge.

Now I see his plan of attack. I figure I'll fall off a few times, keep up with the stabbing and eventually this poorly interpreted Graboid would meet his maker. Wrong. Apparently every time you fall off Gary Oak runs in and gives this fucker a full restore. Forty-five minutes later my face is true red and I'm screaming at my television. Nothing intelligible, mind you, just a string of swear words as fast as my mouth would allow. This all finally culminated with me throwing my decades old controller on the ground with one final "FUCK THIS!"

In an attempt to cool down I began focusing my anger at the people who insisted I play this wretched game in the form of angry text messages. Allow me to share some of them with you.

To: K****

Sent: March 28, 12:41 PM

Fuck this fucking bullshit game! Fuck it! I hit that cocksucker ten fucking times! Fuck it!

To: J***

Sent: March 28, 12:47 PM

Dude, it's fucking bullshit! I hit the worm ten times. I fucking counted! The bastard doesn't die and he keeps knocking me off the platform.

To: K****

Sent: March 28, 12:48 PM

Fuck that! Ten hits and he's not dead?! How did this frustrating load of fuck spawn so many sequels?

After pacing through my house for a few minutes I decided to continue my quest. I could not have prepared myself for what happened next. I turned on my system to find that all three slots were empty. All my data had been erased.

To: J***

Sent: March 28, 1:09 PM

Goddamn cocksucker fuck! When I threw my controller it lost my game data! Shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck!

Say what you will, I think I took that rather well. What really confuses me is that I purposely through the controller away from anything breakable i.e. my tv and game console. Some how when the controller chord tugged on the system it sent a signal "hey, fuck this guy over his day isn't quite bad enough".

Despite all this I've decided to give the game another go. If for no other reason than to avenge the death of my original save file. This time I've named the character "Link" instead of "Rob". My belief is that the game has a vendetta against anyone that wants to use their own name.

The Beginning

Growing up I never really got much into video games. Due to a lack of funding and interest I usually found myself in front of the tv watching cartoons, movies or whatever crap programming one of the six channels offered. That's right, We didn't even have cable. It's true, I had game systems but usually only when a newer, shinier make/model was already out. Not being current in the world of gaming lead to my disinterest. However, now that I am a full grown adult with a big boy job and my own money, my friends have convinced me to give gaming a real shot. I'll be playing both good and bad games, however I've asked my friends not to clue me in on anything. I wish to remain as ignorant as possible so that every new adventure is being seen with fresh eyes. So, I invite you to come with me on my journey into addiction