A.k.a. MM: The beginning
The final fight was once again on par with what I expected. What I didn't expect was to stab the dude in the face. I know that these games are on some level violent, albeit cartoon violence over anything too realistic, but good Lord! I stabbed the man in the face! Not going to lie, I enjoyed every minute of it.
Then I'm in the clouds for some unexplained reason and Zelda becomes a fucking indian-giver. Completely over-looks the fact that I chucked out a gift from a now dead friend of mine and takes my ocarina. What's worse is she sends me back to being a child so all my efforts go completely unrecognized. How fucking depressing is that?
"Look, Link, I know you just saved everyone in existence from a lifetime of servitude but nobody will ever know. Also, I'm not going to put out."
Then she fucking leaves for some dumb-ass reason. Honestly I don't remember why she took off, but at least the bitch gave me my ocarina back. Oh and some how I got Epona. They haven't explained that part yet... not sure if they ever will.
Alright, so we all know the story. Skull kid, Majora's Mask, creepy fucking moon plummeting to Earth (or whatever planet this is supposedly taking place on). Of all the eery masks hanging on walls and suspicious people I have to say Tingle is the creepiest thing in this game so far and I doubt I'll change my mind on that.
The dude is thirty-five years old, floating around on a balloon, wearing tights (some sort of aero-erotic behavior? I think so!) He talks up little boys and offers to sell them goods. Not to mention that fucking look he has on his face. This dude just creeps me out in a very bad way. I'd rather have that moon painted on my ceiling than ever meet someone cosplaying as Tingle.
I find myself getting sidetracked by mini-games and side-quests significantly more. I don't know if that's because there's more of them or if they're just more clumped together due to the town being larger and your main base.
I noticed something that neither Kellana Fay nor Dick Steel had ever caught. The guy that plays inside the windmill in OoT (Guru-Guru) is in the hotel with the Gorman Troupe. After nightfall on the first day he's told to go outside because he's being too loud. He's found near the laundry pool on the first night. He's playing The Song of Storms (like always). The next day it rains. Coincidence? I think not.
So, I've gotten all the way up to the boss of the Woodfall Temple. I've collected all the fairies and opened all the chests. I believe I've gotten all the goodies out of this place. So, what makes this accomplishment so great? I've done it all without the help of a walkthrough. I'm doing my best to not rely on hints for this game.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
OoT: Stupid Witches
The Spirit Temple isn't very note-worthy. I found it interesting that I had to go back and forth in time to get complete the level but there isn't much to talk about other than the bosses, Twinrova.
These two witches have got to be the dumbest sacks of crap. There are a lot of ways that a person can be born. I personally believe that you can be born gay, straight, black, white, disfigured, blind, deaf, with an attraction to giraffes, etc. However, from my experience witches tend to choose what they study.
These sisters decided to study elements that can directly harm each other. Fucking brilliant. That's like saying "Hey, my sibling is allergic to peanuts. I'm going to become a peanut and hang out with her all day, everyday."
When you notice your sister is studying fire and you're told to choose an element CHOOSE EARTH! They've clearly never played Pokemon.
Let's say they didn't choose their elements. They were given them at birth. Okay, then wave goodbye to your sister. Keep in touch via letters of some kind. If you have the potential to kill each other with a hug just walk away. Better yet, the parents could have developed some sort of intelligence and separated the two at birth.
They never would have bonded and I think the two of them would have made for good mini bosses. Include the tale of them being separated at birth. It would have made for an excellent side story.
As if all that wasn't bad enough they make camp in the very dungeon that holds a reflective shield capable of deflecting their magic. For God's sake there's a desert waste land not fifty yards from your castle! Chuck it into the sandy abyss and be done with that shit!
These two have to be the most brainless characters in this entire game. However, they make for a very sexy cosplay.
After that I went treasure hunting. I was down quite a few heart containers so I sang to the frogs, raced Dampe, planted some beans and did a number of other side quests.
The only treasures I'm not worried about are the rest of the Gold Skulltulas, the ice arrows and the Biggoron Sword. I've seen what I have to do and the rewards I'll receive and I have to say I'm not really concerned.
These two witches have got to be the dumbest sacks of crap. There are a lot of ways that a person can be born. I personally believe that you can be born gay, straight, black, white, disfigured, blind, deaf, with an attraction to giraffes, etc. However, from my experience witches tend to choose what they study.
These sisters decided to study elements that can directly harm each other. Fucking brilliant. That's like saying "Hey, my sibling is allergic to peanuts. I'm going to become a peanut and hang out with her all day, everyday."
When you notice your sister is studying fire and you're told to choose an element CHOOSE EARTH! They've clearly never played Pokemon.
Let's say they didn't choose their elements. They were given them at birth. Okay, then wave goodbye to your sister. Keep in touch via letters of some kind. If you have the potential to kill each other with a hug just walk away. Better yet, the parents could have developed some sort of intelligence and separated the two at birth.
They never would have bonded and I think the two of them would have made for good mini bosses. Include the tale of them being separated at birth. It would have made for an excellent side story.
As if all that wasn't bad enough they make camp in the very dungeon that holds a reflective shield capable of deflecting their magic. For God's sake there's a desert waste land not fifty yards from your castle! Chuck it into the sandy abyss and be done with that shit!
These two have to be the most brainless characters in this entire game. However, they make for a very sexy cosplay.
After that I went treasure hunting. I was down quite a few heart containers so I sang to the frogs, raced Dampe, planted some beans and did a number of other side quests.
The only treasures I'm not worried about are the rest of the Gold Skulltulas, the ice arrows and the Biggoron Sword. I've seen what I have to do and the rewards I'll receive and I have to say I'm not really concerned.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
OoT: The Male Gerudo
For two hundred years the Gerudo have had nothing but women. First off that statistic is pretty staggering. It reminds me of a certain SNL skit in which the doctor was just lopping off the penises of male babies and claiming they were female. That male Gerudo is none other than Ganondorf.
Why is it that people who live in the desert tend to be assholes? They're all "It's sacred land blah blah blah". So fucking what? You've got sand in your vag and it's clearly rubbing you the wrong way. Get the fuck out of the desert! You can still send your daughters on a quest through the sandstorm of doom to prove they're ready to be women, they'll just have to cross Hyrule field first. Trust me, it's not that big of a deal. I've done it hundreds of times just hunting down the Poe.
Instead of relocating, Ganondorf infiltrates the land of Hyrule. I want to point out now that Zelda and I totally tried to warn these bastards so it's their fault and I don't feel the least bit bad.
Then he tries to kidnap the princess. He claims it was to obtain the triforce piece but we all know he wanted a piece of that. He's got his pick of the litter back home but I take it he prefers blonds... and seven year olds.
The more I learn about this guy the more I start to realize how much of a prick he is. Let's look past the obvious. Kidnapping, treason, world domination, these things I can accept. I want to go deeper.
He clearly has abandonment issues. I'm no Freud but this dude clearly needs a father figure. You'd think that someone raised by only women would have the upmost sympathy for females, but apparently he was overloaded by the hormones and snapped. Being the only dude in a red river of crazy bitches, that'll do it.
Which brings me to his sense of entitlement. Never before have I met a man so full of himself simply because he has a penis. I get that guys feel superior due to their extra appendage, but imagine this guy's thought process. "Hey, I can beat up everyone else in this village, then have sex with them!" Just because you have the first dick in two centuries doesn't mean you have to act like one. It kind of sounds to me like he's overcompensating. Imagine that, first male in two hundred years and he's got a small wiener. Talk about demoralizing.
Ganondorf is your stereo-typical male chauvinist pig (get it?). He treats everyone like they're below him. What he really needs is to get laid... consensually. Unfortunately, every chick he tries to pick up books it via horse power or pulls some crazy ninja shit. Let's face it, that's too much work. He'd be better suited for a cheerleader, a stuck up bitch. Someone that will nag at him night and day and eventually either break his spirit or lead him to spousal abuse... he needs Ruto.
If only Ruto had been a bit older, or if they had actually met face to face and spent some time together. I think everyone's problems would be solved. G-dog would finally get some pussy, Ruto would stop calling me on Friday nights asking of my whereabouts and Zelda and I could get our freak on in every room of the castle.
In short: people need to move out of the desert and get the sand out of their vaginas. Maybe the next male they have won't be such a massive prick.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
OoT: Bongo Bongo
For the most part the Bottom of the Well and the Shadow Temple aren't really much to write home about. There are only a few minor gripes and one BIG one. You can probably tell by the name of the blog what the majority of my bitching is going to be about.
Minor gripe one: walking into walls. Until I found the map I was walking along side of the walls like Helen fucking Keller. Feeling around until the wall decided to stop being a wall. Far too many times I'd fall through the floor and about shit my pants. For some dumb-ass reason I found the compass before the map. It was rather strange just seeing orange marking with no idea what the actual rooms looked like.
Even with the map it was still a bitch and a half to figure out when I was doomed to possibly break my fucking leg and deal with those goddamn Redeads again.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, once I found the Eye of Truth I learned to really enjoy using it. I found it to be a pretty interesting addition to the game. I like that it doesn't really eat up much magic power.
Minor gripe two: The Shadow Temple. Yeah, the entire temple. Rather, going back through the temple after dying or entering a different room. I felt there were far too many pain-in-the-ass enemies. Simple foes, fine. Keese, skulltula, even the wallmasters weren't too bad. It was the constant attacks by the Skeleton Knights that really got annoying. Especially on that fucking ship.
Every time I'd get my ass handed to me by Bongo Bongo I'd have to go back through the temple to the ship, fight off two Skeleton Knights, get off the boat in time. Whether I did or not I still had to listen to Navi's bullshit about the ship sinking. Good for it, I'm on the other side of the fucking room. I could care less if the door can fit both Jack and Rose I saved my ass, fuck them. Learn to swim next time, bitches.
I then had to navigate the rather pointless room of Tetris ledges. The only reason this shit is to make you use the hover boots. I hate the fucking hover boots. I've been saying since the beginning of this game there should be a jump button. Apparently this is something that's lacking in all Zelda games. If I could fucking jump I wouldn't need to dress up like the bitch of the Gods... fucking Hermes bitch-ass...
Then there's Bongo Bongo. I can't stress enough... FUCK THIS LEVEL! Even keeping him in frame was a fucking head ache. He spins around and bounces you in the air. This pretty much makes Z-targeting either impossible or counter-productive. I had to wait for him to attack so that I could give him a boo-boo. He shakes his hand like a limp-wristed catcher. That's when I have to give his other hand an ouchie. Then he gets angry and charges at me. God forbid my timing here is even slightly off because the shit head isn't going to make a second charge. Nope, it's back to square one.
Let me tell you, dodging this armless fuck wasn't exactly easy. He's slapping, clapping, punching, squishing, I feel so sorry for this man's dick. If he treats him member anything like he treats me I... oh... shit... now he's treating me as if I'm his penis. Dammit, Nintendo, was that really necessary? I mean, I get picked up and shaken in a vertical, up and down motion. How is this NOT masturbatory reference?
Oh, and the only way I can see what the fuck I'm doing is to use the Eye. Every time I cut a hand it drops magic potion. I have a choice of getting it or attacking the other hand. Naturally I would go for the injury. By the time I got the chance to grab the magic it was either gone or I was back on the trampoline of aggravation. Basically, I couldn't run out of magic without being fucked, but I could actually fight this cock sucker without using up my magic.
Luckily I never actually did but it was a constant worry. It was more stress on my mind in a battle that almost had me lose my classic controller. I don't know if it's because my carpet cushioned the blow or Nintendo knows it's games make players rage hard fucking core but I'm just glad didn't have to clean up bits of plastic from under my bed.
I kid you not, Bongo Bongo was the most frustrating boss yet. That includes all of LttP. There was simply too much going on and too few opportunities to fight him. I could feel the tension filling my room when he finally died. I was screaming inside my head "I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF THIS IS A TWO PART BATTLE MY FIST IS GOING THROUGH A WALL!"
Alas, it was not and I could once again breathe. I skipped a lot of the Gerudo training and I'm at the Spirit Temple as an adult. Some of the things I've learned have sparked a rant. I'll blog it later. Look forward to it, it's a good one. *shakes fist demandingly* Look forward to it!!!!
Minor gripe one: walking into walls. Until I found the map I was walking along side of the walls like Helen fucking Keller. Feeling around until the wall decided to stop being a wall. Far too many times I'd fall through the floor and about shit my pants. For some dumb-ass reason I found the compass before the map. It was rather strange just seeing orange marking with no idea what the actual rooms looked like.
Even with the map it was still a bitch and a half to figure out when I was doomed to possibly break my fucking leg and deal with those goddamn Redeads again.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, once I found the Eye of Truth I learned to really enjoy using it. I found it to be a pretty interesting addition to the game. I like that it doesn't really eat up much magic power.
Minor gripe two: The Shadow Temple. Yeah, the entire temple. Rather, going back through the temple after dying or entering a different room. I felt there were far too many pain-in-the-ass enemies. Simple foes, fine. Keese, skulltula, even the wallmasters weren't too bad. It was the constant attacks by the Skeleton Knights that really got annoying. Especially on that fucking ship.
Every time I'd get my ass handed to me by Bongo Bongo I'd have to go back through the temple to the ship, fight off two Skeleton Knights, get off the boat in time. Whether I did or not I still had to listen to Navi's bullshit about the ship sinking. Good for it, I'm on the other side of the fucking room. I could care less if the door can fit both Jack and Rose I saved my ass, fuck them. Learn to swim next time, bitches.
I then had to navigate the rather pointless room of Tetris ledges. The only reason this shit is to make you use the hover boots. I hate the fucking hover boots. I've been saying since the beginning of this game there should be a jump button. Apparently this is something that's lacking in all Zelda games. If I could fucking jump I wouldn't need to dress up like the bitch of the Gods... fucking Hermes bitch-ass...
Then there's Bongo Bongo. I can't stress enough... FUCK THIS LEVEL! Even keeping him in frame was a fucking head ache. He spins around and bounces you in the air. This pretty much makes Z-targeting either impossible or counter-productive. I had to wait for him to attack so that I could give him a boo-boo. He shakes his hand like a limp-wristed catcher. That's when I have to give his other hand an ouchie. Then he gets angry and charges at me. God forbid my timing here is even slightly off because the shit head isn't going to make a second charge. Nope, it's back to square one.
Let me tell you, dodging this armless fuck wasn't exactly easy. He's slapping, clapping, punching, squishing, I feel so sorry for this man's dick. If he treats him member anything like he treats me I... oh... shit... now he's treating me as if I'm his penis. Dammit, Nintendo, was that really necessary? I mean, I get picked up and shaken in a vertical, up and down motion. How is this NOT masturbatory reference?
Oh, and the only way I can see what the fuck I'm doing is to use the Eye. Every time I cut a hand it drops magic potion. I have a choice of getting it or attacking the other hand. Naturally I would go for the injury. By the time I got the chance to grab the magic it was either gone or I was back on the trampoline of aggravation. Basically, I couldn't run out of magic without being fucked, but I could actually fight this cock sucker without using up my magic.
Luckily I never actually did but it was a constant worry. It was more stress on my mind in a battle that almost had me lose my classic controller. I don't know if it's because my carpet cushioned the blow or Nintendo knows it's games make players rage hard fucking core but I'm just glad didn't have to clean up bits of plastic from under my bed.
I kid you not, Bongo Bongo was the most frustrating boss yet. That includes all of LttP. There was simply too much going on and too few opportunities to fight him. I could feel the tension filling my room when he finally died. I was screaming inside my head "I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF THIS IS A TWO PART BATTLE MY FIST IS GOING THROUGH A WALL!"
Alas, it was not and I could once again breathe. I skipped a lot of the Gerudo training and I'm at the Spirit Temple as an adult. Some of the things I've learned have sparked a rant. I'll blog it later. Look forward to it, it's a good one. *shakes fist demandingly* Look forward to it!!!!
Monday, May 14, 2012
OoT: Water Temple
For the six of you that read this blog I'm sure you've been waiting for my reaction to the Water Temple. I've heard horror stories. In fact, one of the few comments I've ever receive on this site was after I beat LttP.
"All I'm going to say is..."Water Temple" Good luck. :D Gratz on beating LttP."
In Kellana Fay's blog she said "So far, he’s finished the Forest Temple, and only gotten confused or lost once. Can anyone say Water Temple?"
I was told the words "Water Temple" would give a Zelda fan nightmares for weeks. They would wake up in a cold sweat, crying. Okay, maybe that's a little exaggerated.
Regardless, I was a bit worried about even entering this dungeon. I couldn't even fathom what was in store. The confusion, the anger, the frustration. I was prepared to purchase a new classic controller. I thought I might end up in the hospital with high blood pressure.
That being said, I must ask.
Are you people serious? When I play video games my language could make a sailor blush. I would have been just fine playing this level with a priest in the room. I'm not trolling. I had almost no problem with this level.
I'll admit it sucked having to continually switch between boots, but that's about it. I checked the walkthrough ONCE and that was to figure out how to get a Gold Skulltula. Not how to find it, but how to get it. I didn't think to charge my sword to open the cell.
Aside from that I found it pretty straight forward as to what I should do next. Paying attention to the map really helps you to figure out where to go next. Checking your surroundings keeps you aware of where you are. There are plenty of landmarks to help you with this.
Dark Link was one of the easiest mini-bosses. He doesn't even fight back, hardly. Just play some Whack-a-Dark-Link with Thor's hammer and use Din's Fire once he starts going bat-shit.
Seriously, he goes bat-fucking-shit insane! I actually found it rather funny. I could only imagine what was going through Link's mind at that point. Here's a guy who hasn't even tried to defend himself the first few times you crack his skull then suddenly he's just wildly flailing his sword. I'd probably shit myself in this scenario. This is the point at which I realized I wouldn't be able to get another swing in so I lit the bastard on fire.
Once I got the extended hookshot things got even easier and I'll stop short of saying it made the boss battle a cinch. Pull him in, hack and slash, run away, repeat.
Water Temple beat, Bottom of the Well beat, currently playing through the Shadow Temple.
"All I'm going to say is..."Water Temple" Good luck. :D Gratz on beating LttP."
In Kellana Fay's blog she said "So far, he’s finished the Forest Temple, and only gotten confused or lost once. Can anyone say Water Temple?"
I was told the words "Water Temple" would give a Zelda fan nightmares for weeks. They would wake up in a cold sweat, crying. Okay, maybe that's a little exaggerated.
Regardless, I was a bit worried about even entering this dungeon. I couldn't even fathom what was in store. The confusion, the anger, the frustration. I was prepared to purchase a new classic controller. I thought I might end up in the hospital with high blood pressure.
That being said, I must ask.
Are you people serious? When I play video games my language could make a sailor blush. I would have been just fine playing this level with a priest in the room. I'm not trolling. I had almost no problem with this level.
I'll admit it sucked having to continually switch between boots, but that's about it. I checked the walkthrough ONCE and that was to figure out how to get a Gold Skulltula. Not how to find it, but how to get it. I didn't think to charge my sword to open the cell.
Aside from that I found it pretty straight forward as to what I should do next. Paying attention to the map really helps you to figure out where to go next. Checking your surroundings keeps you aware of where you are. There are plenty of landmarks to help you with this.
Dark Link was one of the easiest mini-bosses. He doesn't even fight back, hardly. Just play some Whack-a-Dark-Link with Thor's hammer and use Din's Fire once he starts going bat-shit.
Seriously, he goes bat-fucking-shit insane! I actually found it rather funny. I could only imagine what was going through Link's mind at that point. Here's a guy who hasn't even tried to defend himself the first few times you crack his skull then suddenly he's just wildly flailing his sword. I'd probably shit myself in this scenario. This is the point at which I realized I wouldn't be able to get another swing in so I lit the bastard on fire.
Once I got the extended hookshot things got even easier and I'll stop short of saying it made the boss battle a cinch. Pull him in, hack and slash, run away, repeat.
Water Temple beat, Bottom of the Well beat, currently playing through the Shadow Temple.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
OoT: Darunia the Douche
Goron city is going through a famine, which is more or less because the entire race consists of picky eaters. How the hell does an entire civilization allow themselves to starve because they don't like the taste of certain rocks? For that matter, do rocks really have different tastes?
The whole lot of them are just standing around, dying of starvation because there are boulders blocking their path. That's like saying America can't eat because there's a huge carrot in the way of our steak. I think after a certain amount of time a group of us would get together and take one for the team. We'd eat the carrot and go on with our lives.
Meanwhile, their leader has decided his plan of action is to throw a temper tantrum and lock himself in his room. WHAT THE FUCK?! He can't break down that which is blocking his people's food source because he's butthurt?
He waits for a ten year old kid to come along and play him a song just so he'll feel better. Even then he doesn't fight to save his kind. No, Darunia sends the child (who can't even lift stones without the help of a bracelet) into a dangerous dungeon to save a race that isn't even his own. In other words, Link has a bigger pair than this dbag.
After defeating the dungeon Darunia grants you the title of "Sworn Brother". Oh, great, now I have to be siblings with this chicken-shit.
Seven years later all the Gorons (save Link of the Gorons) have been kidnapped by Ganondorf for showing resistance. I find this highly unlikely because that implies that their commander did something other than run and hide. He actually lead them into a battle of some sort. Something I just couldn't see being done by that pussy.
Once again it is on your shoulders to save the Gorons. Before entering Death Mountain you meet a very large fellow. He informs you that his blades are better than his brother's. I'm fairly certain the two of them are just trying to shank you out of your rupees. Two hundred for a knife? I'd say shove it, but I don't see anywhere that you could. Do you fuckers just completely dissolve the stones in your stomachs? Do you never shit? The digestive track of the Gorons must be something truly amazing.
After meeting the gargantuan duo I must wonder how Darunia earned the nick-name "Big Brother". He's roughly average in size and has no courage what-so-ever. He's not literally nor figuratively "big". Does he have such stature simply because he discovered hair gel and won't tell anyone else about it?
Inside the Fire Temple you meet him yet again. Only he's on the other side of the room. He tells you that he'll go ahead while you free the imprisoned Gorons. Then he takes off into the boss room and he's not heard from until after you beat Volvagia.
This bothers me... a lot.
First, he clearly has the ability to get across lava. Some how his stumpy little legs allow him to clear pits of boiling magma. Or perhaps his Goron skin allows him to walk right over it without issue. Whatever the reason may be this shows that he's fully capable of taking on this dungeon by himself.
Second, why doesn't HE free his people?! I understand he's too much of a coward to engage in any kind of battle but he could at least walk his fat-ass over to a switch and stand on it for two seconds. Hell, when he talks to you he's actually closer to the first prisoner than you are. This tub of lard would ask you to pass the remote because it was out of arms reach.
Third, he goes into the boss room. How the hell did he get the key without freeing ANY of his friends?! The boss key is in a cell for God's sake!
When he leaves he says he'll go ahead of me, as if he's waiting for me to show up and help him. In reality he waits for me to leave the room and slips out the backdoor.
I don't understand why he went in there without me in the first place. This is a completely illogical move. Help just arrived and he ignored it. It's like if FEMA had shown up to New Orleans and everyone said "Nah, we're gunna try to do this on our own first. Come back in a few days. Tell George we said 'Hello'."
It would have even been nice if he couldn't go into the room because he didn't have the key and in turn came with me as I freed everyone. It would have been nice to have a bodyguard. I mean, Nintendo can put me in charge of a prissy princess but they can't give me some backup when I'm inside of a FUCKING VOLCANO?! I can't tell you how useful he would have been. Maybe he could have held down the flare dancer while I hacked and slashed? That certainly would have saved me quite a few bombs. Also, stop calling them the "Goron's Special Crop" they're fucking bombs. When your number one export is explosives it's going to make life a lot easier to just say "bombs".
After doing all the dirty work I finally show up to the boss room and where the hell is he? Nowhere to be found and Volvagia hasn't so much as been slapped. Like I said, he slipped out when I wasn't looking.
I take on this fire breathing demon with Mjolnir all by myself. Afterwards Darunia shows up and tells me what a good job I did.
This means nothing to me, asshole. I don't seek the approval of leaders who put the lives of their people in the hands of others. What's that? You're a sage? Big fucking whoop, you still don't own a pair of balls.
Friday, May 11, 2012
OoT: 7 Years Later...
Anyone that knows me can tell you that I get a raging hard on whenever time travel is mentioned. Seriously, it's like insta-boner. Time travel is what peaked my interest in this series. It was pretty much the selling point. Aside from the fact that my friends can't shut the hell up about it, but you all already know that much.
Naturally, I was a little let down when I started the game and wasn't immediately awarded a TARDIS. I was a child running around fields thwacking the bad guys. It was interesting, yes, but I wasn't quite in love with the game.
As I sat there and watched Impa and Zelda ride off, fleeing from Ganondorf I knew shit was about to go down. I had all three stones and Zelda just gave me a shiny new Ocarina.
I'd like to digress for just a second and say something about this. After you receive the Ocarina of Time you seem to ditch your old one. There's no sign of it ever existing. I'm sorry, but that's a serious dick move on Link's part. Your childhood friend gave you that. You may never see her again and you just chuck it in the moat?! What. A. Douche.
Next thing I know I'm waking up and seven years have gone past. The mystery surrounding my absence, the excitement to see what all had changed, hell that entire video gave me goose-bumps. Suddenly, I remember what it was like being a child on Christmas. I honestly can't contain myself at this point and I'm about to wet myself.
That being said. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! These people took it upon themselves to force me into a fucking coma for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! They let all my friends (and that cock sucker Mido) believe I was dead for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! I understand they're looking out for their precious Hyrule, but I had a life, man! I missed middle school, my first kiss, my first grope. I can't even go to prom because I haven't been to school a single day for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!
I guess the people over at Nintendo haven't ever known someone that's been in a coma. Allow me to explain something. If you don't use your muscles for... let's say... sevenfuckingyears... they tend to become slosh. There's a thing called rehab and it's not just for druggies. Instead of seeing a video of Link relearning how to manually release his bowels (or for that matter, hold them in) I'm immediately sent on a mission to save the world. What's that all about? Can't I at very least get a cup of coffee? I just woke up! To the game's credit at least Navi didn't pull that "lazy boy" bullshit again.
I'm told not to be alarmed when I first see myself as I've grown up quite significantly. This is how I now I haven't been in a stasis chamber, which would have allowed me to step right out with no need for rehabilitation. However, I'd still be a ten year old boy. Because I have grown up, I'm in need of new clothing. What do they get me? Essentially the same damn thing I was already wearing. I'm sorry, but when you're expecting the goddamn HERO OF TIME to wake up you get him some nice threads. I'm about to go save every one of their sorry asses and they can't deck me out in some fucking armor?! Have they not seen what Ganondorf is wearing?! It's a little more protective than a fucking tunic!
I meet Sheik, the Sheikah. Wow, that's clever. I imagine someone lost a whole night's sleep coming up with that name. A whole bunch more blabbering FOR GOD'S SAKE I WANT TO PLAY NOW!
Finally, I can embark on my quest! I should get an award for sitting through all that! I feel like I've just read a long winded blog by some overrated youtuber... wait... ignore that last comment.
I get the hookshot. Seriously, my favorite weapon thus far. It's a pretty big item, but Link's a bamf. He don't give a fuck. He holds that shit one handed like a goddamn gangsta.
I make my way through the maze and to the forest temple. The temple itself is kind of nauseating. With all the twisted hallways and the one room with the rotating blocks, but if you look at it from above it kind of looks like the room is moving around you. It honestly made me feel queazy. Strangely enough, I think it was my favorite dungeon so far. It was spooky and I like spooky. I like how the place was decorated. Of all the places in Hyrule I think I'd like to live here. You've got a great defense out front and just beyond that woods that are near impossible to navigate. Nobody would ever bother you.
I kill the Poe sisters, little to no problem. Although, I have to wonder what their parents were thinking. You've got Meg, Amy, Beth and Joelle. Joelle? Is that even a name? It sounds like her parents desperately wanted a boy to name Joe because they'd simple run out of girl names they like. Poor girl didn't even get a fun fire color. It's just orange. Would red really have been too much to ask? I actually feel kind of bad for her. She's boring and has a stupid name.
This boss in this level is Phantom Ganon. Dude's a fucking badass. Scary as all hell, that's for sure. Popping out of paintings and shit. Is it bad that I often find myself more in awe of the bad guys than wanting to kill them? I strike him down and the real Ganon was all "Well, fuck this guy, he was clearly too easy to beat". Then he banishes him to the space between dimensions.
Wait.
The space between dimensions?! You mean... THE VOID?! *puts on old fashioned 3D glasses* Shit just got real.
Naturally, I was a little let down when I started the game and wasn't immediately awarded a TARDIS. I was a child running around fields thwacking the bad guys. It was interesting, yes, but I wasn't quite in love with the game.
As I sat there and watched Impa and Zelda ride off, fleeing from Ganondorf I knew shit was about to go down. I had all three stones and Zelda just gave me a shiny new Ocarina.
I'd like to digress for just a second and say something about this. After you receive the Ocarina of Time you seem to ditch your old one. There's no sign of it ever existing. I'm sorry, but that's a serious dick move on Link's part. Your childhood friend gave you that. You may never see her again and you just chuck it in the moat?! What. A. Douche.
Next thing I know I'm waking up and seven years have gone past. The mystery surrounding my absence, the excitement to see what all had changed, hell that entire video gave me goose-bumps. Suddenly, I remember what it was like being a child on Christmas. I honestly can't contain myself at this point and I'm about to wet myself.
That being said. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! These people took it upon themselves to force me into a fucking coma for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! They let all my friends (and that cock sucker Mido) believe I was dead for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! I understand they're looking out for their precious Hyrule, but I had a life, man! I missed middle school, my first kiss, my first grope. I can't even go to prom because I haven't been to school a single day for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!
I guess the people over at Nintendo haven't ever known someone that's been in a coma. Allow me to explain something. If you don't use your muscles for... let's say... sevenfuckingyears... they tend to become slosh. There's a thing called rehab and it's not just for druggies. Instead of seeing a video of Link relearning how to manually release his bowels (or for that matter, hold them in) I'm immediately sent on a mission to save the world. What's that all about? Can't I at very least get a cup of coffee? I just woke up! To the game's credit at least Navi didn't pull that "lazy boy" bullshit again.
I'm told not to be alarmed when I first see myself as I've grown up quite significantly. This is how I now I haven't been in a stasis chamber, which would have allowed me to step right out with no need for rehabilitation. However, I'd still be a ten year old boy. Because I have grown up, I'm in need of new clothing. What do they get me? Essentially the same damn thing I was already wearing. I'm sorry, but when you're expecting the goddamn HERO OF TIME to wake up you get him some nice threads. I'm about to go save every one of their sorry asses and they can't deck me out in some fucking armor?! Have they not seen what Ganondorf is wearing?! It's a little more protective than a fucking tunic!
I meet Sheik, the Sheikah. Wow, that's clever. I imagine someone lost a whole night's sleep coming up with that name. A whole bunch more blabbering FOR GOD'S SAKE I WANT TO PLAY NOW!
Finally, I can embark on my quest! I should get an award for sitting through all that! I feel like I've just read a long winded blog by some overrated youtuber... wait... ignore that last comment.
I get the hookshot. Seriously, my favorite weapon thus far. It's a pretty big item, but Link's a bamf. He don't give a fuck. He holds that shit one handed like a goddamn gangsta.
I make my way through the maze and to the forest temple. The temple itself is kind of nauseating. With all the twisted hallways and the one room with the rotating blocks, but if you look at it from above it kind of looks like the room is moving around you. It honestly made me feel queazy. Strangely enough, I think it was my favorite dungeon so far. It was spooky and I like spooky. I like how the place was decorated. Of all the places in Hyrule I think I'd like to live here. You've got a great defense out front and just beyond that woods that are near impossible to navigate. Nobody would ever bother you.
I kill the Poe sisters, little to no problem. Although, I have to wonder what their parents were thinking. You've got Meg, Amy, Beth and Joelle. Joelle? Is that even a name? It sounds like her parents desperately wanted a boy to name Joe because they'd simple run out of girl names they like. Poor girl didn't even get a fun fire color. It's just orange. Would red really have been too much to ask? I actually feel kind of bad for her. She's boring and has a stupid name.
This boss in this level is Phantom Ganon. Dude's a fucking badass. Scary as all hell, that's for sure. Popping out of paintings and shit. Is it bad that I often find myself more in awe of the bad guys than wanting to kill them? I strike him down and the real Ganon was all "Well, fuck this guy, he was clearly too easy to beat". Then he banishes him to the space between dimensions.
Wait.
The space between dimensions?! You mean... THE VOID?! *puts on old fashioned 3D glasses* Shit just got real.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
OoT: Things Sure Have Changed...
A.k.a. I really hate Princess Ruto
The Zora used to be these dragon-like creatures that would pop up and shoot fire at you. The Octorok used to be land dwelling octopus without a targeting system. They just sort of shot in all four directions. Lastly, the Stalchildren didn't even exist until this game.
So, why didn't they name the Octorok the Zora? The M.O. is quite similar to the Zora of years prior. I think people would have understood a slight change. Logically the Stalchildren, who look suspiciously close to Dry Bones, could have just as easily been Octorok. As for these completely new aquatic extra-terrestrials, I think people would have accepted if they were called Stalchildren or hell, come up with a new name. This is a fantasy world, you're allowed to do that.
Why take the names of characters that we know as one thing and completely change their appearance and attitudes? Nintendo clearly just took these creatures identities and completely broke them down to nothing and rebuilt. There was really no need for that. I know King Zora sold me flippers in the LttP but suddenly he's a fat-ass fish whose only purposes are to keep unworthy people from seeing Jabu-Jabu and making sure every drop of Hyrule's water gets filtered through his butt crack.
On to the game play. I blame everything on Princess Ruto. All the Biri, Bari, Stinger, Tailpasaran, even the red slimy things. She's supposed to be in charge of all of Jabu-Jabu's meals. Therefore all these things are her fault. Except the Shabom, I blame that on indigestion. Which, is perfectly understandable. Look at all the shit she's been feeding him! I think if I ate that many flying centipede I'd have more than just bubbles that fought back!
Throughout this level Princess Ruto is nothing less than the biggest pain in the ass since hemorrhoids. Seriously, bitch, you can't walk yourself? You got in here somehow, didn't you? Stand the fuck up and use your legs.
God forbid I should fuck up even the slightest and lose her in the water or enter a room before picking her up. She runs back to the last checkpoint and stands there waiting to scold Link. At one point I left her on the bottom floor, scaled the wall and there she was! How in the hell did she get up there so fast?!
Isn't she just the embodiment of women? She wants to be carried EVERYWHERE unless there's a chance that she can give you shit. Then she'll gladly go out of her way, fucking teleport ahead then wait just to tell you what a horrible excuse for a man you are.
Even when you're forced to leave her behind she nags at you.
"I can't believe you'd leave me. BLAH BLAH BLAH"
"I was fighting a possessed appendage, I would have gladly brought you with and used you as bait. Not as an offering or a sacrifice but just because I don't fucking like you. Unfortunately, I needed your fat ass to hold down the switch. Waka waka, motherfucker"
The only other time this bitch remembers how to use her legs is when there's a shiny piece of jewelry at stake. Could she be any more of a stereotypical cunt? I think Nintendo was subtly warning young boys to stay the fuck away from this type of female. She makes the mission loads more difficult and complains constantly. Subconsciously this has to have effected many a lives. In a good way, mind you. I don't see many nerds dating stuck up mall bitches... of course I'm not sure that's entirely Zelda's doing. I think Mario, Sonic and Cheetos are just as much at fault.
After finally ridding myself of the obnoxious brat things actually get a bit easier. Compared to dealing with a woman the Barinade is a cinch. I won't lie, I died once and swore many other times but I was glad to be finished with Ruto... wait...
GODDAMMIT, REALLY BITCH?! I just fucking fought through the gut of this massive fish and you're bitching because you were lonely?! I'm play you the galaxy's smallest violin, you useless pile! Talk about first world problems. I just risked my life playing out a twisted version of Jonah and you're going to blame me for taking too long?! This reminds me waaaaay too much of an ex of mine. She would pull this exact stunt. I'm bloody and bruised and she'd be filing her nails whining "I'm boooooored". FUCK. YOU.
So, what's my reward for expelling evil from the stomach of a fish god? Essentially at ten years old I get engaged to the most annoying character thus far in the series. Compared to Ruto, Navi is white noise. I could listen to her ALL day. I know she's just telling me the same shit I've heard a thousand times but it's better than anything that the Princess would have to say.
I genuinely wish I could take her to Death Mountain and throw her in. Maybe have my owl friend fly her as high as he can fly and just let go. Put her on a stake in the middle of Hyrule field in the middle of the night and let the Stalchildren take care of her. I don't care how it's done, just kill her off or make her useful.
The Zora used to be these dragon-like creatures that would pop up and shoot fire at you. The Octorok used to be land dwelling octopus without a targeting system. They just sort of shot in all four directions. Lastly, the Stalchildren didn't even exist until this game.
So, why didn't they name the Octorok the Zora? The M.O. is quite similar to the Zora of years prior. I think people would have understood a slight change. Logically the Stalchildren, who look suspiciously close to Dry Bones, could have just as easily been Octorok. As for these completely new aquatic extra-terrestrials, I think people would have accepted if they were called Stalchildren or hell, come up with a new name. This is a fantasy world, you're allowed to do that.
Why take the names of characters that we know as one thing and completely change their appearance and attitudes? Nintendo clearly just took these creatures identities and completely broke them down to nothing and rebuilt. There was really no need for that. I know King Zora sold me flippers in the LttP but suddenly he's a fat-ass fish whose only purposes are to keep unworthy people from seeing Jabu-Jabu and making sure every drop of Hyrule's water gets filtered through his butt crack.
On to the game play. I blame everything on Princess Ruto. All the Biri, Bari, Stinger, Tailpasaran, even the red slimy things. She's supposed to be in charge of all of Jabu-Jabu's meals. Therefore all these things are her fault. Except the Shabom, I blame that on indigestion. Which, is perfectly understandable. Look at all the shit she's been feeding him! I think if I ate that many flying centipede I'd have more than just bubbles that fought back!
Throughout this level Princess Ruto is nothing less than the biggest pain in the ass since hemorrhoids. Seriously, bitch, you can't walk yourself? You got in here somehow, didn't you? Stand the fuck up and use your legs.
God forbid I should fuck up even the slightest and lose her in the water or enter a room before picking her up. She runs back to the last checkpoint and stands there waiting to scold Link. At one point I left her on the bottom floor, scaled the wall and there she was! How in the hell did she get up there so fast?!
Isn't she just the embodiment of women? She wants to be carried EVERYWHERE unless there's a chance that she can give you shit. Then she'll gladly go out of her way, fucking teleport ahead then wait just to tell you what a horrible excuse for a man you are.
Even when you're forced to leave her behind she nags at you.
"I can't believe you'd leave me. BLAH BLAH BLAH"
"I was fighting a possessed appendage, I would have gladly brought you with and used you as bait. Not as an offering or a sacrifice but just because I don't fucking like you. Unfortunately, I needed your fat ass to hold down the switch. Waka waka, motherfucker"
The only other time this bitch remembers how to use her legs is when there's a shiny piece of jewelry at stake. Could she be any more of a stereotypical cunt? I think Nintendo was subtly warning young boys to stay the fuck away from this type of female. She makes the mission loads more difficult and complains constantly. Subconsciously this has to have effected many a lives. In a good way, mind you. I don't see many nerds dating stuck up mall bitches... of course I'm not sure that's entirely Zelda's doing. I think Mario, Sonic and Cheetos are just as much at fault.
After finally ridding myself of the obnoxious brat things actually get a bit easier. Compared to dealing with a woman the Barinade is a cinch. I won't lie, I died once and swore many other times but I was glad to be finished with Ruto... wait...
GODDAMMIT, REALLY BITCH?! I just fucking fought through the gut of this massive fish and you're bitching because you were lonely?! I'm play you the galaxy's smallest violin, you useless pile! Talk about first world problems. I just risked my life playing out a twisted version of Jonah and you're going to blame me for taking too long?! This reminds me waaaaay too much of an ex of mine. She would pull this exact stunt. I'm bloody and bruised and she'd be filing her nails whining "I'm boooooored". FUCK. YOU.
So, what's my reward for expelling evil from the stomach of a fish god? Essentially at ten years old I get engaged to the most annoying character thus far in the series. Compared to Ruto, Navi is white noise. I could listen to her ALL day. I know she's just telling me the same shit I've heard a thousand times but it's better than anything that the Princess would have to say.
I genuinely wish I could take her to Death Mountain and throw her in. Maybe have my owl friend fly her as high as he can fly and just let go. Put her on a stake in the middle of Hyrule field in the middle of the night and let the Stalchildren take care of her. I don't care how it's done, just kill her off or make her useful.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
OoT: Brain Fart
Saria = elf chick. I've been repeating this for the last two days. Why? Because apparently I can pay attention to everything in a video game except the names of the characters.
I get past the guards with little trouble. Something I expected to be much more difficult. For fuck's sake this is a land that's constantly being invaded. You'd think they'd have better patrols. The men they've hired to aimlessly wander about in the strange maze-like hedges are far beyond under qualified. They can only see what's in front of them? They don't rely on their hearing at all?! No wonder the princess keeps getting kidnapped. I agree with the guy in Kakariko, there's nothing but lazy little shits being hired nowadays. Looking busy but not actually accomplishing anything.
I meet Zelda, she teaches me a cool jam and we spy on the shadiest looking mother fucker in all of Hyrule. Seriously, how do they not know this guy is evil? He looks like he kills babies to relax. I know we shouldn't judge on appearances but every other good guy I've met so far radiates kittens and happiness and rainbows. Ganondorf doesn't exactly give off that vibe.
I get sent on a mission by who I now know is Impa. The obvious "Save Hyrule yada yada yada. Help me Obi Linkenobe you're our only hope." This is where I derp my herp so fucking hard I herpaderpa. Yes, that's internet gibberish. No, it's not supposed to makes sense. That's kind of the point.
For some unknown reason (I blame John Cusack) I had it in mind that Impa was Saria. Don't ask me who I thought the ocarina chick that clearly wants Link's naughty parts was, because I don't have a damn clue what the hell I was thinking.
I'm fucking around for an accumulated two or three hours. Trying to help some bitch find her dog, collecting chickens, talking to some un-evolved creeper in the cemetery, buying and selling masks but not actually getting anywhere with the story line. Navi keeps pissing me off saying "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we told Saria we were going to save Hyrule?" (paraphrased, because fuck you.)
I'm thinking "Why the fuck would I go tell the person who JUST SENT ME ON THE FUCKING MISSION?!" Naturally, I ignore her because clearly I know more than the game developers and the thousands if not millions of people who have beaten this game. I finally quit out of boredom and inform my comrades that they're crazy for thinking this game was any good. I rant on about how Navi is completely useless.
Although I'm trying to do this on my own Kellana Fay finally tells me to go to the Lost Woods. I figure "Fine, might as well. I guess it's better to beat the game with someone holding my hand than not at all."
I meet the elf chick (penny in the air). She teaches me a new song, blabbers on a bit more and I head back to the village. I turn off the system and roll over to go to sleep. I'm about to drift off into the land of boobs and beer when it hits me (penny drops). Saria = elf chick. Goddammit, I'm a fucking retard.
Suddenly, I'm thinking back to every time when Navi said "Hey!" and I told her to shove it. To be fair, if she was saying "Wouldn't it be cool if we told Impa we were going to save Hyrule?" that'd be a pretty useless bit of the game. I mean, why not just have Impa tell you everything before poofing off into God knows where?
I go to Death Mountain and all the Gorons are telling me Big Brother is locked UP in his room. Of course "up" is actually on the bottom floor. Nice choice of words, assholes. I play him the song that Saria (the real Saria) taught me. He dances about and I laugh my ass off. Honestly, that was hilarious. You can't convince me otherwise.
Now I get to blow shit up. I'm excited about this. There should be more explosive plants. Not just in video games but IRL. How fucking cool would that be? Someone pisses you off and you throw a rose at them. Take that, bitches.
This is another point in Zelda lore that I have to ask "Why couldn't someone else have done this?" I'm a small ten year old boy. Gorons are massive beasts that are so bad-ass they FUCKING EAT ROCKS. Logically couldn't they have blown this shit up and taken back their cave? No, they have to rely on some pre-pubescent late bloomer.
I walk into the cave and GOD DAMMIT. Fucking Beamos. I hate those bastards! Now they don't just shoot lazers, they fucking track you! Christ, really? Like they weren't a pain in my ass already? Fuck those guys. Fuck them hard.
After some how out running the short sighted bastards (pun intended) I get to a room with exploding metapod. I thought Link had an addiction to explosives in LttP. Now I think the designers just want to make everything that shouldn't blow up do just that.
Could you imagine if more creatures did this after death? Everyone's standing around, mourning grandma when BOOM! The bitch erupts out of her coffin creating a four foot crater.
I go on to fight these Gex looking creatures who all buy hand me my ass on a silver platter.
"Here you are sir, your own buttocks."
"Why thank you, kind Lizard man, I'll surely be back for more."
As I was, however this time I fell into the lava and wow... holy shit... that's morbid. I have to imagine there were many a child scarred by seeing Link face down, engulfed in flames. Personally, I couldn't stop laughing. Not because I have a dislike for our silent hero but because I'm just a generally horrible person. Honestly, that's fucking sick and I love it. Judge me if you must.
I walk into the cave and GOD DAMMIT. Fucking Beamos. I hate those bastards! Now they don't just shoot lazers, they fucking track you! Christ, really? Like they weren't a pain in my ass already? Fuck those guys. Fuck them hard.
After some how out running the short sighted bastards (pun intended) I get to a room with exploding metapod. I thought Link had an addiction to explosives in LttP. Now I think the designers just want to make everything that shouldn't blow up do just that.
Could you imagine if more creatures did this after death? Everyone's standing around, mourning grandma when BOOM! The bitch erupts out of her coffin creating a four foot crater.
I go on to fight these Gex looking creatures who all buy hand me my ass on a silver platter.
"Here you are sir, your own buttocks."
"Why thank you, kind Lizard man, I'll surely be back for more."
As I was, however this time I fell into the lava and wow... holy shit... that's morbid. I have to imagine there were many a child scarred by seeing Link face down, engulfed in flames. Personally, I couldn't stop laughing. Not because I have a dislike for our silent hero but because I'm just a generally horrible person. Honestly, that's fucking sick and I love it. Judge me if you must.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Ocarina of Time: Deku Tree
I often hear of people's annoyance towards Navi. I can understand this already. It (he? she?) doesn't exactly start off on the right foot. The little shit flies into my house, wakes me up and starts calling me names. What a bitch.
For the first ten or fifteen minutes I'm essentially put through training regiments, which were probably useful when the game was on the N64 but I'm using a Wii Classic Controller. Hey, Nintendo, thanks for upgrading your game data. What the fuck is "c" on this controller? For that matter what am I supposed to use for the yellow arrows? I don't imagine it'd be too hard to go back through the game and change what the text says. Hopefully everything will eventually be second nature. For now it's quite awkward as far as the controls go.
I know in LttP you could gain rupees by chopping down grass or running into rocks but for some reason picking up and smashing stones is so much more entertaining to me. I noticed some poor guy humping a rock so I'm like "The fuck you doin', bro?" and he's all "Mido told me to." I figure I'll help him out, since he's clearly having problems. I lift these rocks like no problem. Dude must have been weak as fuck. It still made me beyond happy gaining monetary value via chucking small boulders.
I can't remember who else mentioned this Mido guy but I already get the impression that he's a total douche. I'm told I have to go to the Deku tree. I try to do just this and what happens? Fucking Mido is squatting in my way. First, he starts talking shit about how I'm not a real man because I don't have a fairy. This logic is already lost on me. Then he tells me I can't go on without a sword and shield. I'll tell you what, as soon as I get these items I know exactly where I'm going to shove them. Fucking asshole. At least I'm not named after period medicine.
My first impression of the Deku tree? Oh. My. God. That tree has a mustache. This is the greatest thing ever. I can throw rocks to get money and the tree we all pray two has a 'stache? This game already fucking pwns.
My second impression of the Deku tree? FUCK! SPIDERS! I'm perfectly split on how I feel about this level. The pyromaniac in me loves it. The arachnophobic in me hates it.
So, I'm rudely awakened. Insulted by multiple characters and attacked by spiders. This game really can't cut me any slack.
Now every time I get near a door Navi feels the need to tell me I can't go through it if there are bars in the way. No fucking shit of course when it comes to figuring out to light something on fire the most this thing can tell me is "That looks like it was on fire at one point" (paraphrased). It is a fucking torch, you dumbass. I think I could have figured that out on my own. How about instead of reminding me multiple times that I'm incapable of walking through solid material you remind me that I have sticks which are flammable. It honestly took me far too long to figure that out.
Then again, the first use I thought of for the sticks turned out to be wrong so I just put them in the back of my mind. I mean, seriously, someone tells me to ricochet a nut back at something and I'm holding a wooden phallic object my initial thought is "Take me out to the ball game". Apparently that's wrong. It'd be too easy to use the twigs as bats. When I'm in a fight I fight back. I don't pull out my shield and hope to God they somehow hurt themselves. Clearly Hyrule doesn't have a baseball team.
I drop down further into the Tree's insides. Was nobody else concerned about the idea of mulling around in oak intestines? I'm lighting all kinds of things on fire and playing pinball with shrubberies. Somehow I make it through to this mechanic spider-bitch. I poke her in the eye a few times and she dies. I feel triumphant yet at the same time I'm wondering if maybe the Deku tree could have been saved if they sent a fucking exterminator in there every once in a while. A ten year old boy who JUST got his fairy accomplished this with little difficulty. Why had no one else tried?
I'm then treated to a very intriguing history of the Triforce only for it to end with the death of my new found friend. Why couldn't Ganon have put a curse on Mido? Why did the Deku tree have to die? He had such a sweet mustache. I now feel this is personal. Anyone that could disrespect such amazing facial hair in this fashion must pay. If for no other reason, I will slit his throat for this.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
LttP Take 3: Aghanim/Ganon
Before going into this I finished up my treasure hunting. I can't stress enough how ridiculous some of these hiding spots were. I ended up getting everything but 8 pieces of heart.
I also discovered that I could have been upgrading the amount of arrows/bombs I can hold this whole fucking time. This is a game clearly not made for cheap people, like myself. First time around I threw a few rupees in the pond. Nothing came of it so I decided not to waste my funds as I didn't have much at the time. I allowed this wishing well to disappear from memory as it seemed like a total scam. I figured it would just grant me more "happiness" and maybe change the color of the bunny I turn into. As I didn't like turning into the rabbit in the first place I could care less about what shade it was. Fuck it, point being it would have made more sense to at least hint that if I blindly throw my money into a small body of water I'd receive something useful.
Then I found out I could double my magic power, er rather, cut how much I use in half. Christ, this game really doesn't hint the player towards the things that will actually help! There are signs telling you to ignore people that can actually help you, characters that will sick guards on you upon first glance and myriad of people telling me completely useless information but only once does someone mention sprinkling magic powder on my enemies?! I'm sorry but a hard to find bowl isn't exactly tops on my list of people to attack with anthrax. Those assholes throwing spears might want to think twice about checking their mail, but I'm sure as shit not going to go out of my way to pour an unknown substance into a defenseless receptacle.
The actual boss battles were rather hard, which is probably the only time the difficulty level was appropriate. Of course, leading up to the Aghanim there was no learning curve so I was completely unprepared for the shit storm that was to ensue.
While exploring this level I notice there were no new enemies. Everything I encountered in the tower was something I had already met up with. I knew how to beat them. It wasn't just swinging a sword, there were different ways to easily defeat certain foes. Almost every item came into play. I enjoyed this. It's what I expected out of a final level. However, when it's only slightly more difficult than many levels prior and the three or four dungeons leading up to it were all but kids play you can see what I mean by no learning curve.
Beating Aghanim felt good. There's not really any other way to put it. I felt accomplished. Then the bastard turns out to be Ganon all along (like I didn't see that coming).
Before having the fight Ganon a second time (or first, depends on your p.o.v.) I'm able to restock on magic and fairies. If this hadn't been an option I imagine my controller would have met a very unfortunate fate.
It took me probably seven tries to finally be Ganon and I admit I watched a video on how to do so. It was a pain my ass but rightly so. It was, after all, the final battle. I have to say these two fights were probably the only ones that I can't really complain about. That's not to say there wasn't a LOT of swearing. I mean A LOT. Like, a shit load of swearing. So much swearing that I'm sure sailors would have asked me to tone it down.
My first Triforce.
Timing worked out pretty awesome for this. I just happened to have both my best friend and my girl friend in the room for it. As they're the ones that insisted upon me playing this horrid game, I'm glad they got to witness not only my extreme frustration but my ultimate triumph. I very easily could have been playing this on my own, as I did much of the game, when I finally won. I'm glad my peeps were there with me. I don't want to sound cheesy but it's a great memory. I literally jumped out of my chair when I beat Ganon and the three of us all but cracked a bottle of champagne.
On to Ocarina of Time. I'm excited to play this game. May the way of the hero lead to the triforce.
I also discovered that I could have been upgrading the amount of arrows/bombs I can hold this whole fucking time. This is a game clearly not made for cheap people, like myself. First time around I threw a few rupees in the pond. Nothing came of it so I decided not to waste my funds as I didn't have much at the time. I allowed this wishing well to disappear from memory as it seemed like a total scam. I figured it would just grant me more "happiness" and maybe change the color of the bunny I turn into. As I didn't like turning into the rabbit in the first place I could care less about what shade it was. Fuck it, point being it would have made more sense to at least hint that if I blindly throw my money into a small body of water I'd receive something useful.
Then I found out I could double my magic power, er rather, cut how much I use in half. Christ, this game really doesn't hint the player towards the things that will actually help! There are signs telling you to ignore people that can actually help you, characters that will sick guards on you upon first glance and myriad of people telling me completely useless information but only once does someone mention sprinkling magic powder on my enemies?! I'm sorry but a hard to find bowl isn't exactly tops on my list of people to attack with anthrax. Those assholes throwing spears might want to think twice about checking their mail, but I'm sure as shit not going to go out of my way to pour an unknown substance into a defenseless receptacle.
The actual boss battles were rather hard, which is probably the only time the difficulty level was appropriate. Of course, leading up to the Aghanim there was no learning curve so I was completely unprepared for the shit storm that was to ensue.
While exploring this level I notice there were no new enemies. Everything I encountered in the tower was something I had already met up with. I knew how to beat them. It wasn't just swinging a sword, there were different ways to easily defeat certain foes. Almost every item came into play. I enjoyed this. It's what I expected out of a final level. However, when it's only slightly more difficult than many levels prior and the three or four dungeons leading up to it were all but kids play you can see what I mean by no learning curve.
Beating Aghanim felt good. There's not really any other way to put it. I felt accomplished. Then the bastard turns out to be Ganon all along (like I didn't see that coming).
Before having the fight Ganon a second time (or first, depends on your p.o.v.) I'm able to restock on magic and fairies. If this hadn't been an option I imagine my controller would have met a very unfortunate fate.
It took me probably seven tries to finally be Ganon and I admit I watched a video on how to do so. It was a pain my ass but rightly so. It was, after all, the final battle. I have to say these two fights were probably the only ones that I can't really complain about. That's not to say there wasn't a LOT of swearing. I mean A LOT. Like, a shit load of swearing. So much swearing that I'm sure sailors would have asked me to tone it down.
My first Triforce.
Timing worked out pretty awesome for this. I just happened to have both my best friend and my girl friend in the room for it. As they're the ones that insisted upon me playing this horrid game, I'm glad they got to witness not only my extreme frustration but my ultimate triumph. I very easily could have been playing this on my own, as I did much of the game, when I finally won. I'm glad my peeps were there with me. I don't want to sound cheesy but it's a great memory. I literally jumped out of my chair when I beat Ganon and the three of us all but cracked a bottle of champagne.
On to Ocarina of Time. I'm excited to play this game. May the way of the hero lead to the triforce.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
LttP Take 3: Turtle Rock
... or as I like to call it Super Fucking Mario World. There are pipes, bowling balls chained up and cacti that you have to kill one layer at a time. I know I felt like Nintendo was getting lazy by making the previous boss just a cluster of optical receptors but I'm on a mission to save a blonde from an evil doer and they model this entire level after fucking Mario?! Jesus Christ.
This is without a doubt the most tedious fucking level. Even when using a walkthrough. There are so many steps I had to take just to get to the boss. It was bad enough trying to avoid or kill the enemies but I've got Cyclops hiding in the fucking rocks.
After watching a video I noticed I was missing quite a few items. Four to be exact. I decided to go treasure hunting yet again. At least this time it proved helpful. As a first time player I must ask, how the fuck did anyone ever find these items without the internet?! I've played through this entire game without any need for an ice rod. Suddenly it's an absolute necessity and I was supposed to get it before the fire rod. How in the hell? Yet another example of the developers relying on the player getting bored and wandering about. Lifting random rocks on a whim.
I also blow up part of the castle and upgrade my sword to gold. This is bullshit. Gold would be a terrible material to make a sword out of. Haven't these assholes ever played Minecraft? Yeah, it's pretty but it's going to be fucking useless as far as defense goes. For those that don't think fourth dimensionally out there, that Minecraft bit was a joke.
I also feel the need to point out that the Master Sword is supposed to be the absolute best. The God Tier of swords. Why the fuck does it need to be upgraded? Way to contradict yourselves you Hylian cunts.
Well, now that I have my chilly dildo (my chilldo, if you will) I'm ready to take on this dungeon. Aside from the obvious frustrations (cluster fucks of enemies, falling to my death, not knowing what the fuck to do) as I said this dungeon is the must tedious goddamn level I have ever had to deal with. Trying to figure out that stupid-ass roller coaster is such bull-shit. It's hard enough without the spinning fire balls. Oh, look, yet another "coincidental similarity" to Mario World. Lazy pricks.
On top of all this there are so many times when that yellow swirl comes after me and I turn into a goddamn pink rabbit. Seriously, whose idea was this? Who said "Hey, sometimes Link should be a useless fucking bunny. That should improve the game significantly!" I hope they lynched that fucker.
After going through all kinds of bullshit (see above) I finally get to the boss. After finally beating it I realized the boss himself (herself?) wasn't that hard. It's more intimidating than anything. I thought the fire breather scorpion was brick-shit inducing, this motherfucker has three goddamn heads, shoots fire and ice and the middle head just jumps out at you at seemingly random intervals. If this were IRL, Zelda could go fuck herself. I'm watching the game. What game? Don't care. Baseball, football, hell I'll watch soccer but I'm sure as fuck not taking on any three headed elemental scorpions ten times bigger than myself. I digress. Using both my wicked-wiener and my chilldo I'm able to kill off the fire/ice heads. There's a fairly impressive explosion which gave me false hope. I thought the bastard was dead. Then the middle head starts wriggling around. I stab him multiple times in the gut and he blows up again. I half expected him to keep fighting but thankfully that didn't happen.
So, if the boss wasn't that hard, what was? Keeping myself properly stocked. At least three times I had to go all the way through the dungeon and all over both worlds to find a damn fairy cave so I could stock up. Then I had to go to the shroom addict to get more magic potion just to fucking die again. GODDAMMIT! I have to go on a ten minute mission just to return and get my ass handed to me. It took four or five times for me to realize not to rely solely on my magic abilities. I have to not only stun it but I have to run up and flail my sword about. NOW, that's what I call bullshit! Vol. 4.
I'm just glad to be done with that fucking dungeon. I've now freed all seven maidens. Ganon's next. Not looking forward to it. In the mean time I'm going to get wasted.
This is without a doubt the most tedious fucking level. Even when using a walkthrough. There are so many steps I had to take just to get to the boss. It was bad enough trying to avoid or kill the enemies but I've got Cyclops hiding in the fucking rocks.
After watching a video I noticed I was missing quite a few items. Four to be exact. I decided to go treasure hunting yet again. At least this time it proved helpful. As a first time player I must ask, how the fuck did anyone ever find these items without the internet?! I've played through this entire game without any need for an ice rod. Suddenly it's an absolute necessity and I was supposed to get it before the fire rod. How in the hell? Yet another example of the developers relying on the player getting bored and wandering about. Lifting random rocks on a whim.
I also blow up part of the castle and upgrade my sword to gold. This is bullshit. Gold would be a terrible material to make a sword out of. Haven't these assholes ever played Minecraft? Yeah, it's pretty but it's going to be fucking useless as far as defense goes. For those that don't think fourth dimensionally out there, that Minecraft bit was a joke.
I also feel the need to point out that the Master Sword is supposed to be the absolute best. The God Tier of swords. Why the fuck does it need to be upgraded? Way to contradict yourselves you Hylian cunts.
Well, now that I have my chilly dildo (my chilldo, if you will) I'm ready to take on this dungeon. Aside from the obvious frustrations (cluster fucks of enemies, falling to my death, not knowing what the fuck to do) as I said this dungeon is the must tedious goddamn level I have ever had to deal with. Trying to figure out that stupid-ass roller coaster is such bull-shit. It's hard enough without the spinning fire balls. Oh, look, yet another "coincidental similarity" to Mario World. Lazy pricks.
On top of all this there are so many times when that yellow swirl comes after me and I turn into a goddamn pink rabbit. Seriously, whose idea was this? Who said "Hey, sometimes Link should be a useless fucking bunny. That should improve the game significantly!" I hope they lynched that fucker.
After going through all kinds of bullshit (see above) I finally get to the boss. After finally beating it I realized the boss himself (herself?) wasn't that hard. It's more intimidating than anything. I thought the fire breather scorpion was brick-shit inducing, this motherfucker has three goddamn heads, shoots fire and ice and the middle head just jumps out at you at seemingly random intervals. If this were IRL, Zelda could go fuck herself. I'm watching the game. What game? Don't care. Baseball, football, hell I'll watch soccer but I'm sure as fuck not taking on any three headed elemental scorpions ten times bigger than myself. I digress. Using both my wicked-wiener and my chilldo I'm able to kill off the fire/ice heads. There's a fairly impressive explosion which gave me false hope. I thought the bastard was dead. Then the middle head starts wriggling around. I stab him multiple times in the gut and he blows up again. I half expected him to keep fighting but thankfully that didn't happen.
So, if the boss wasn't that hard, what was? Keeping myself properly stocked. At least three times I had to go all the way through the dungeon and all over both worlds to find a damn fairy cave so I could stock up. Then I had to go to the shroom addict to get more magic potion just to fucking die again. GODDAMMIT! I have to go on a ten minute mission just to return and get my ass handed to me. It took four or five times for me to realize not to rely solely on my magic abilities. I have to not only stun it but I have to run up and flail my sword about. NOW, that's what I call bullshit! Vol. 4.
I'm just glad to be done with that fucking dungeon. I've now freed all seven maidens. Ganon's next. Not looking forward to it. In the mean time I'm going to get wasted.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
LttP Take 3: Misery Mire
THE FUCKING FLUTE CALLS THE BIRD?! WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW THE FUCK?! WHEN THE FUCK?! *flips table* This could have saved a lot... A LOT of time. Seriously, at what point was I to assume that just because I free a duck from a statue that makes him forever in my debt? Looking at the size of it I have to assume it can't be too easy to give Link a lift. Christ this could have saved me some time. Fucking douchebag duck.
Thank God for tutorials because I never would have figured that out and I sure as shit would never have gotten the Ether, which I needed to stop the rain and summon the cave mouth from the black lagoon. Believe it or not I figured that much out all on my lonesome. If only they could label things more often. I see a lightning bolt, I use a lightning bolt. Finally these bastards throw me a bone.
After having to walk across spikes to get to a skull-jar I figure there must be some item I'm missing. Something that makes it so I don't have to impale myself just to step on a damn switch. Time to go treasure hunting.
All treasure hunters have a map and mine is Zeldadungeon.net... judge me if you must. Reading through the items walkthrough makes me think they really put too much into finding some of this crap. Nobody I talked to said a damn thing about a gravestone lifting and as no other gravestones are able to be lifted there was nothing to suggest I should run full speed, head first into one particular granite monument. Game developers gave way too much credit to early gamers. I can't imagine how many children wound up committed to an insane asylum because of these games. I'm starting to think it was a good thing I never played games as a kid. There would have been many-a broken television.
Now that I've got the cape I have two options. A) I can go around dungeons without getting hurt or B) I can spy on the girls at the Hyrule gym. Personally, I think it'd be worth draining all my magic power for ten seconds in said locker room. That's enough fantasizing, I've got srs business to get to.
Making my way around the sixth dungeon was about on par with the rest of this game. Although still less frustrating than Skull Woods. The navigation was fairly simple. In fact, I never even got the compass. There's an entire room still blacked out on my map. For all I know there are girls on trampolines covered in strawberry syrup. Of course in 8-bit I'm not sure how arousing that would be, but I'm still going to imagine that's what's in that particular room.
The amount of enemies in this level was mind boggling. It's just plain absurd. Without the red shield I imagine this task would be much more difficult if at all possible.
The cane was a rather useful tool but only used once. I'm hoping it plays a bit more of a roll in the next dungeon.
As far as bosses go I think it's clear they were just getting lazy at this point. It's eyeballs. As I've just acquired the cape I'm able to easily hide myself. I mean, he's no exactly going to sniff me out. I do this long enough to get rid of a good majority of the little ones. Then the big eye starts floating around and I stab it quite a few times. To the point, in fact, that I was starting to doubt it was working.
I must say of all enemies this one should have been much easier to kill than the others. I've been poked in the eye before and GOD-DAMMIT that hurts! Could you imagine being stabbed in the eye? Not jabbed with a pen or even shanked with a fork but out right stabbed in the eye with the sword that makes evil piss itself? I call bullshit on this enemy. I should have been able to stab that bastard just once and make him my bitch.
Side note: fuck it, I'm not googling images anymore. It started out as cute, got out of hand and now it's just a pain in the ass.
Thank God for tutorials because I never would have figured that out and I sure as shit would never have gotten the Ether, which I needed to stop the rain and summon the cave mouth from the black lagoon. Believe it or not I figured that much out all on my lonesome. If only they could label things more often. I see a lightning bolt, I use a lightning bolt. Finally these bastards throw me a bone.
After having to walk across spikes to get to a skull-jar I figure there must be some item I'm missing. Something that makes it so I don't have to impale myself just to step on a damn switch. Time to go treasure hunting.
All treasure hunters have a map and mine is Zeldadungeon.net... judge me if you must. Reading through the items walkthrough makes me think they really put too much into finding some of this crap. Nobody I talked to said a damn thing about a gravestone lifting and as no other gravestones are able to be lifted there was nothing to suggest I should run full speed, head first into one particular granite monument. Game developers gave way too much credit to early gamers. I can't imagine how many children wound up committed to an insane asylum because of these games. I'm starting to think it was a good thing I never played games as a kid. There would have been many-a broken television.
Now that I've got the cape I have two options. A) I can go around dungeons without getting hurt or B) I can spy on the girls at the Hyrule gym. Personally, I think it'd be worth draining all my magic power for ten seconds in said locker room. That's enough fantasizing, I've got srs business to get to.
Making my way around the sixth dungeon was about on par with the rest of this game. Although still less frustrating than Skull Woods. The navigation was fairly simple. In fact, I never even got the compass. There's an entire room still blacked out on my map. For all I know there are girls on trampolines covered in strawberry syrup. Of course in 8-bit I'm not sure how arousing that would be, but I'm still going to imagine that's what's in that particular room.
The amount of enemies in this level was mind boggling. It's just plain absurd. Without the red shield I imagine this task would be much more difficult if at all possible.
The cane was a rather useful tool but only used once. I'm hoping it plays a bit more of a roll in the next dungeon.
As far as bosses go I think it's clear they were just getting lazy at this point. It's eyeballs. As I've just acquired the cape I'm able to easily hide myself. I mean, he's no exactly going to sniff me out. I do this long enough to get rid of a good majority of the little ones. Then the big eye starts floating around and I stab it quite a few times. To the point, in fact, that I was starting to doubt it was working.
I must say of all enemies this one should have been much easier to kill than the others. I've been poked in the eye before and GOD-DAMMIT that hurts! Could you imagine being stabbed in the eye? Not jabbed with a pen or even shanked with a fork but out right stabbed in the eye with the sword that makes evil piss itself? I call bullshit on this enemy. I should have been able to stab that bastard just once and make him my bitch.
Side note: fuck it, I'm not googling images anymore. It started out as cute, got out of hand and now it's just a pain in the ass.
Friday, April 20, 2012
LttP Take 3: Ice Palace
Fuck it. I've now resorted to the crutch known as the walkthrough. Say what you will but honestly I was sick of wasting hours upon hours trying figure out inane bullshit that some twat told me days prior.
That bit about other warp tiles finally paid off. I imagine if Nintendo was a class it would go something much like this.
"Jot down notes because this will be on your final exam."
"But it's only the first day of school..."
"Fuck you, kid."
Seriously, when it comes to LttP get a notepad. Think of it as an investment.
Back on track. When I first walked into this place I thought "Wow, what a beautiful dwelling made of ice. I bet I could melt this bitch pretty easy." Think about it, burn the place down. Level complete. I at least thought my self-heating dildo would play a larger roll than just taking down the first enemy.
I know I can use it on all my foes and maybe that's what they want me to do, but honestly I find it makes more sense to use quake. It takes up more magic power but kills a good majority (if not all) of the little shits at once. Besides, they often drop magic refills. It's amazing, they actually programmed it to give me something I need. Then again, in this case if they didn't I imagine there'd be many more death threats sent to Nintendo HQ.
I'm wandering around this freezing hell with my flaming shlong. It only takes until B1 before I get confused. *checks walkthrough* Honestly, who thinks "Hey, a switch. Instead of flipping it like a normal person I'm going to put a fucking bomb next to it!"? I guess one could argue that that's why the jar in the room contains a bomb. To that person I say "fuck you". If by this point you think this game gives you what you need every time you're a boob. There's nothing to suggest that you'll always be given what you need.
After blowing up the floor (seriously, Link, you have an addiction to explosives) and repelling down I'm attacked by two super skeletons. Again, I don't blame the supposed "bad guys". I'm wandering around their house destroying shit. I deserve this. Zelda tells me that I need something other than the sword. Logic states: if bones and rock burn in the dark world and I'm wielding a fire cock this should annihilate the caped-cadavers. Nope, I need bombs. No, that makes total sense... *grumbles angrily*
I go through all kind of bullshit including a moving floor that changes direction without warning, slamming you into a spiked wall while spooky-ass ghosts fly back and forth. Walking on a very narrow ledge with rotating flame balls. All that eventually leads to yet another ice room with an army of penguins only to find out that taking that particular path is a bad idea. FUCK.
I'm eventually forced through a door that leads only to certain death in the form of a massive spiked rock. I knew I should have just blown up more floors.
I die yet again, make my way back through the below zero death traps only to find out that blowing up the floor on B2 is not an option. In other words I have to take on this massive spiked rock thing. NOW! That's what I call bullshit Vol. 3
I feel like a moron. If I stand in the doorway nothing hits me. This is one of the most basic things I learned early as fuck in the game. Clearly I was intimidated by the size. It happens to the best of us.
Going to the right is locked so I venture to the left. I find myself in a terrible Stephanie Meyer D&D scenario. "You're in a dungeon. The floors are sparkling and there's no option of suicide."
Forget this. I back track and head north. The floor falls out. Yet again a sparkly floor. Christ, is the boss of this place Elton John?
This is fun. I get my ass kicked and instead of taking life they take magic. Something that's a fucking necessity to pass even the first fucking room. I die and now I can't continue on. What the serious FUCK?! I have to wander around until a random minion decides to give me some magic. I also purchase some magic goop from the 'shroom addict.
After sleeping a good nine hours I watched two episodes of Doctor Who and booted up the console. Not only was this the easiest dungeon yet but it was by far the weakest boss. I see three puffy eyeballs trapped in ice. Finally, my wicked wiener is useful!
I may have been hit a few times by the falling snow (Yet again, how does this hurt? Are there bricks in the snow?!?! Who put bricks in the snow?!) After melting the beasts' enclosure and drinking the magic goop the creatures died pretty quickly. I lost maybe four hearts.
All in all I upgraded my garb, got a few more heart containers and freed another maiden. I'm getting pretty good at this.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
LttP Take 3: Gargoyle's Domain
Right off the bat this is another prime example of earlier actions meaning NOTHING. In the light world you play the flute to wake up the bird in the center of town. In the dark world that bird is replaced with a gigantic demon. Logic states that I should play the flute. Nope, just tug on the long object between his legs and he'll grant you access.
Upon entering the dungeon I see that my first enemy is... Spyro. Fucking seriously? As far as enemies go this dungeon seems to be fairly simple. Aside from the annoyance of constantly being turned into the useless fucking rabbit. The least the programmers could have done is given you super speed if they're not going to let you defend yourself.
This is a dungeon in which the map is almost a necessity. Other wise you have to play guessing games to figure out where the doors are. Despite that It's actually pretty simple to navigate. Of course if Link were out of shape there'd be no way he'd get through this endeavor. A good portion of the floors are treadmills. Which is only made that much more difficult as it seems ALL the minions are using them at once. At least we've finally found a group of bad guys that are health conscious.
After exploring all three levels the only bit of advice I'm given is to not trust the blind thief. Well, no shit, Zelda. Maybe tomorrow when I call you up you can remind me that Nutella is delicious.
I do understand that this means he's more than likely got a trick up his sleeve. I think I could have figured that out on my own. Especially after I saw the maiden guarded only by a small handful of dragons.
I get this stupid bitch and she's telling me she wants to go outside. Well, fuck you, I've got this new key and I'm going to find out what it unlocks. Okay, so I know what it unlocks but the bitch can hold her bladder while I explore the room. Oh... yay... I get titan gloves. Now I can lift rocks that I couldn't before. Oh, you mean dark green ones? At least that's what I'm assuming. I've tried lifting small dark green rocks to no avail. Massive light green boulders, no problem. Apparently dark green means it's made of dark matter.
I decide it's time to let the bitch out before she pisses on me. I swear It's like she's a dog that can't figure out doorknobs. There's only one real exit and she doesn't want to use it. I figure maybe we'll go up to level three. Nope, she doesn't want to go there either. Christ this bitch is infuriating.
Fuck it, check the internet. What? I'm supposed to explode the floor? Oh, like I haven't tried that already. I see cracked flooring now and I instinctually want to blow it to high heaven. My first time around I tried doing that and not one part of the floor wanted to give. I figured the developers were just fucking with me again. I gave up on that strategy because it didn't fucking work. Now you're telling me it does work but only in one spot? How the fuck was I supposed to figure that out?! God fucking dammit. Fuck you game developers.
I bring the twat to the boss room and push her into the light. Sadly she's not a vampire. This would have made things very quick. Oh hey, I just remembered fucking forever ago when some chick told me the blind thief doesn't like the light. That was weeks ago. Fucking useless bitch. I throw a bomb at the only unreachable cracked floor. Holy shit it works. -.-
So, the annoying cunt turns into a pissed off orderly that keeps growing new heads like a hydra. The extra heads start shooting fire balls at me. If only I had a shield that could block those... *mumbles* Goddamn fucking pickit plants.
Now I have to travel all the way across the land and into the light world to once again upgrade my swag.
Yet again I load up on fairies and swing my sword wildly and everyone thinks I'm a hero. In that sense I love this game. Act like you know what you're doing and everyone will praise you. Read a book and you're a hero. Take on a quest that quite literally ANYONE could take on and suddenly you're a ten year old messiah. Brilliant.
LttP Take 3: Skull Woods
Although this was a relatively small dungeon it was still the equivalent to sitting on shards of glass during a hemorrhoid outbreak. Between the possessed gourds steeling my shit and the hand of God punishing me for standing still for too long I was about ready to put my fist through a wall.
I feel there's one room specifically to blame for the majority of my frustration. The room just before you get the big key. As if two mummies and two floating blue orbs weren't bad enough I've got to deal with Thing molesting me while I try to move a damn statue. Seriously, could they have given this room any more bullshit? The only room worse than this (to my knowledge thus far) was written, directed, produced by and starred Tommy Wiseau.
After finally getting the big key I was finally able to discover what was in the tantalizing large chest. It's a flaming dildo that kills those mummy fucks with one hit. Talk about too little too late. I could have used this shit when I was hacking at the bastards for ten minutes a piece while dodging the great fondler from above.
Luckily for me Kellana Fay was accompanying me for this level and didn't let me waste too much time before cluing me in to "kill it with fire". Okay, so stone burns in the dark world. Good to know.
Believe it or not I had almost no issue navigating blindly to get to the key in this level. I was rather impressed with myself for being to able to bump into the right walls despite being under a non-transparent bridge. Which, if I recall correctly, they had the ability to make it transparent. I guess they either got lazy or just wanted to piss off the gamer.
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From here out it was a nice basic "kill the enemies, open the door" dungeon. By now I had figured out that if I turn down the hardcore heavy metal playing from my iTunes, Molester McFondle actually has the 8-Bit equivalent of a battle cry. This makes him much easier to avoid.
The boss fight was rather simple. I'm almost positive I was supposed to dodge and weave the spiked cubes and throw fire balls at Mothra but I fuck that shit. I'm a true warrior. I filled my three jars with fairies and stabbed to my heart's content. To be honest it was a damn good stress reliever after having to make it through that particular dungeon.
Besides, the odds of you having enough magic power to fight this beast with your phallic flame thrower are staggering. This is where it occurred to me that Nintendo never took into consideration to give you what you actually need. I'll be going crazy with the constant reminder that I'm about to die and some pee-on minion will give me a rupee. I'm maxed out on rupees. I don't need rupees. I'm the goddamn Bill Gates of rupees! Let me strike down these little bastards and rip out their still beating hearts!
I digress. By the time I dropped into this treadmill hell I had maybe half my magic power. I spent it and then brutally stabbed this mutant vermin until he coughed up the third maiden. I suggest you do the same.
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