Link to the Past: Take 2 Pt. 1

What took me an entire weekend to accomplish I was able to re-accomplish in less than twenty-four hours. I guess it makes a big difference when you know what you're doing and where you're supposed to go.

So, I went through all the motions; Michael Phelps, pink bunny, gigantic worm blah blah blah. I actually destroyed the little shit in less than ten minutes. Afterwards all I could say to myself was "Well, don't you just feel silly for all that hoopla?" As I never like to admit when I'm wrong I told myself to shut my mouth and sent a text expressing my joy.

To: K****

Sent: March 29, 1:51 PM

Suck it, Moldorm! KAPLOW KAPLOW I'M LINK MOTHERFUCKER!

Then I had to go to work. That part sucked. Especially since it's when I started coming down with some sort of sickness which prevented me from doing just about anything but sleep.

After a day or so of being on hiatus I get to the Master Sword, the cute little woodland creatures dance about (okay, not really but I think they should have) and I'm off to defeat evil.

I make my way through the castle and the evil hooded douche makes Zelda disappear. I, personally, had no problem with this. Unfortunately "Cool story, bro" was not an appropriate reaction to this particular event. In fact, it wasn't even an option. Yet another fail on the part of the game's designers.

The big bad man disappears, leaving me in the room alone to wonder "WTF was that all about?" After some poking about I'm able to open the curtains to discover that his big escape plan didn't go much further than the balcony.

He babbles on about some bs while I think to myself "Hey, I just got the sword that is supposedly the bane of all evil's existence. What should I do with it? I know! I'll stab this fucker with it." When he finishes his monologuing I walk up and give him a swift thrust to the gut. What's that do? It hurts me. How in the hell? He gets shanked and I take the punishment? This is not someone you want to screw with in prison.

So, despite this sword being talked up by every townsperson and his mother it's not of much real use. Aside from shooting magic when you have full life and taking out the putty people in fewer strikes I just busted my ass off for something that can't even kill the main bad guy.

Now I have to start thinking, which is not something I enjoy doing. If a close range attack won't do the trick how about an arrow? No reaction. I throw a bomb at him. No reaction. Seriously, what the fuck do I have to do to injure this asshole? I'm sure as hell not about to waste time trying to get through the castle in pristine condition just to find out shooting sword magic at him doesn't do a damn thing.

Before I go tossing things about I decide to consult the internet. It tells me to whack at one of his magical balls. Seriously? The game industry spends years teaching me to dodge what is thrown at me just so these dicks can come along and pull this crap? Fine. I'll whack his balls, but don't expect me to be happy about it.