LttP Take 3: Ice Palace

Fuck it. I've now resorted to the crutch known as the walkthrough. Say what you will but honestly I was sick of wasting hours upon hours trying figure out inane bullshit that some twat told me days prior.

That bit about other warp tiles finally paid off. I imagine if Nintendo was a class it would go something much like this.

"Jot down notes because this will be on your final exam."

"But it's only the first day of school..."

"Fuck you, kid."

Seriously, when it comes to LttP get a notepad. Think of it as an investment.

Back on track. When I first walked into this place I thought "Wow, what a beautiful dwelling made of ice. I bet I could melt this bitch pretty easy." Think about it, burn the place down. Level complete. I at least thought my self-heating dildo would play a larger roll than just taking down the first enemy.

I know I can use it on all my foes and maybe that's what they want me to do, but honestly I find it makes more sense to use quake. It takes up more magic power but kills a good majority (if not all) of the little shits at once. Besides, they often drop magic refills. It's amazing, they actually programmed it to give me something I need. Then again, in this case if they didn't I imagine there'd be many more death threats sent to Nintendo HQ.

I'm wandering around this freezing hell with my flaming shlong. It only takes until B1 before I get confused. *checks walkthrough* Honestly, who thinks "Hey, a switch. Instead of flipping it like a normal person I'm going to put a fucking bomb next to it!"? I guess one could argue that that's why the jar in the room contains a bomb. To that person I say "fuck you". If by this point you think this game gives you what you need every time you're a boob. There's nothing to suggest that you'll always be given what you need.

After blowing up the floor (seriously, Link, you have an addiction to explosives) and repelling down I'm attacked by two super skeletons. Again, I don't blame the supposed "bad guys". I'm wandering around their house destroying shit. I deserve this. Zelda tells me that I need something other than the sword. Logic states: if bones and rock burn in the dark world and I'm wielding a fire cock this should annihilate the caped-cadavers. Nope, I need bombs. No, that makes total sense... *grumbles angrily*

I go through all kind of bullshit including a moving floor that changes direction without warning, slamming you into a spiked wall while spooky-ass ghosts fly back and forth. Walking on a very narrow ledge with rotating flame balls. All that eventually leads to yet another ice room with an army of penguins only to find out that taking that particular path is a bad idea. FUCK.

I'm eventually forced through a door that leads only to certain death in the form of a massive spiked rock. I knew I should have just blown up more floors.

I die yet again, make my way back through the below zero death traps only to find out that blowing up the floor on B2 is not an option. In other words I have to take on this massive spiked rock thing. NOW! That's what I call bullshit Vol. 3

I feel like a moron. If I stand in the doorway nothing hits me. This is one of the most basic things I learned early as fuck in the game. Clearly I was intimidated by the size. It happens to the best of us.

Going to the right is locked so I venture to the left. I find myself in a terrible Stephanie Meyer D&D scenario. "You're in a dungeon. The floors are sparkling and there's no option of suicide."

Forget this. I back track and head north. The floor falls out. Yet again a sparkly floor. Christ, is the boss of this place Elton John?

This is fun. I get my ass kicked and instead of taking life they take magic. Something that's a fucking necessity to pass even the first fucking room. I die and now I can't continue on. What the serious FUCK?! I have to wander around until a random minion decides to give me some magic. I also purchase some magic goop from the 'shroom addict.

After sleeping a good nine hours I watched two episodes of Doctor Who and booted up the console. Not only was this the easiest dungeon yet but it was by far the weakest boss. I see three puffy eyeballs trapped in ice. Finally, my wicked wiener is useful!

I may have been hit a few times by the falling snow (Yet again, how does this hurt? Are there bricks in the snow?!?! Who put bricks in the snow?!) After melting the beasts' enclosure and drinking the magic goop the creatures died pretty quickly. I lost maybe four hearts.

All in all I upgraded my garb, got a few more heart containers and freed another maiden. I'm getting pretty good at this.