LttP Take 3: Skull Woods

Although this was a relatively small dungeon it was still the equivalent to sitting on shards of glass during a hemorrhoid outbreak. Between the possessed gourds steeling my shit and the hand of God punishing me for standing still for too long I was about ready to put my fist through a wall.

I feel there's one room specifically to blame for the majority of my frustration. The room just before you get the big key. As if two mummies and two floating blue orbs weren't bad enough I've got to deal with Thing molesting me while I try to move a damn statue. Seriously, could they have given this room any more bullshit? The only room worse than this (to my knowledge thus far) was written, directed, produced by and starred Tommy Wiseau.

After finally getting the big key I was finally able to discover what was in the tantalizing large chest. It's a flaming dildo that kills those mummy fucks with one hit. Talk about too little too late. I could have used this shit when I was hacking at the bastards for ten minutes a piece while dodging the great fondler from above.

Luckily for me Kellana Fay was accompanying me for this level and didn't let me waste too much time before cluing me in to "kill it with fire". Okay, so stone burns in the dark world. Good to know.

Believe it or not I had almost no issue navigating blindly to get to the key in this level. I was rather impressed with myself for being to able to bump into the right walls despite being under a non-transparent bridge. Which, if I recall correctly, they had the ability to make it transparent. I guess they either got lazy or just wanted to piss off the gamer.

From here out it was a nice basic "kill the enemies, open the door" dungeon. By now I had figured out that if I turn down the hardcore heavy metal playing from my iTunes, Molester McFondle actually has the 8-Bit equivalent of a battle cry. This makes him much easier to avoid.

The boss fight was rather simple. I'm almost positive I was supposed to dodge and weave the spiked cubes and throw fire balls at Mothra but I fuck that shit. I'm a true warrior. I filled my three jars with fairies and stabbed to my heart's content. To be honest it was a damn good stress reliever after having to make it through that particular dungeon.

Besides, the odds of you having enough magic power to fight this beast with your phallic flame thrower are staggering. This is where it occurred to me that Nintendo never took into consideration to give you what you actually need. I'll be going crazy with the constant reminder that I'm about to die and some pee-on minion will give me a rupee. I'm maxed out on rupees. I don't need rupees. I'm the goddamn Bill Gates of rupees! Let me strike down these little bastards and rip out their still beating hearts!

I digress. By the time I dropped into this treadmill hell I had maybe half my magic power. I spent it and then brutally stabbed this mutant vermin until he coughed up the third maiden. I suggest you do the same.