LttP Take 3: Turtle Rock

... or as I like to call it Super Fucking Mario World. There are pipes, bowling balls chained up and cacti that you have to kill one layer at a time. I know I felt like Nintendo was getting lazy by making the previous boss just a cluster of optical receptors but I'm on a mission to save a blonde from an evil doer and they model this entire level after fucking Mario?! Jesus Christ.


This is without a doubt the most tedious fucking level. Even when using a walkthrough. There are so many steps I had to take just to get to the boss. It was bad enough trying to avoid or kill the enemies but I've got Cyclops hiding in the fucking rocks.


After watching a video I noticed I was missing quite a few items. Four to be exact. I decided to go treasure hunting yet again. At least this time it proved helpful. As a first time player I must ask, how the fuck did anyone ever find these items without the internet?! I've played through this entire game without any need for an ice rod. Suddenly it's an absolute necessity and I was supposed to get it before the fire rod. How in the hell? Yet another example of the developers relying on the player getting bored and wandering about. Lifting random rocks on a whim.


I also blow up part of the castle and upgrade my sword to gold. This is bullshit. Gold would be a terrible material to make a sword out of. Haven't these assholes ever played Minecraft? Yeah, it's pretty but it's going to be fucking useless as far as defense goes. For those that don't think fourth dimensionally out there, that Minecraft bit was a joke.


I also feel the need to point out that the Master Sword is supposed to be the absolute best. The God Tier of swords. Why the fuck does it need to be upgraded? Way to contradict yourselves you Hylian cunts.


Well, now that I have my chilly dildo (my chilldo, if you will) I'm ready to take on this dungeon. Aside from the obvious frustrations (cluster fucks of enemies, falling to my death, not knowing what the fuck to do) as I said this dungeon is the must tedious goddamn level I have ever had to deal with. Trying to figure out that stupid-ass roller coaster is such bull-shit. It's hard enough without the spinning fire balls. Oh, look, yet another "coincidental similarity" to Mario World. Lazy pricks.


On top of all this there are so many times when that yellow swirl comes after me and I turn into a goddamn pink rabbit. Seriously, whose idea was this? Who said "Hey, sometimes Link should be a useless fucking bunny. That should improve the game significantly!" I hope they lynched that fucker.


After going through all kinds of bullshit (see above) I finally get to the boss. After finally beating it I realized the boss himself (herself?) wasn't that hard. It's more intimidating than anything. I thought the fire breather scorpion was brick-shit inducing, this motherfucker has three goddamn heads, shoots fire and ice and the middle head just jumps out at you at seemingly random intervals. If this were IRL, Zelda could go fuck herself. I'm watching the game. What game? Don't care. Baseball, football, hell I'll watch soccer but I'm sure as fuck not taking on any three headed elemental scorpions ten times bigger than myself. I digress. Using both my wicked-wiener and my chilldo I'm able to kill off the fire/ice heads. There's a fairly impressive explosion which gave me false hope. I thought the bastard was dead. Then the middle head starts wriggling around. I stab him multiple times in the gut and he blows up again. I half expected him to keep fighting but thankfully that didn't happen.


So, if the boss wasn't that hard, what was? Keeping myself properly stocked. At least three times I had to go all the way through the dungeon and all over both worlds to find a damn fairy cave so I could stock up. Then I had to go to the shroom addict to get more magic potion just to fucking die again. GODDAMMIT! I have to go on a ten minute mission just to return and get my ass handed to me. It took four or five times for me to realize not to rely solely on my magic abilities. I have to not only stun it but I have to run up and flail my sword about. NOW, that's what I call bullshit! Vol. 4.


I'm just glad to be done with that fucking dungeon. I've now freed all seven maidens. Ganon's next. Not looking forward to it. In the mean time I'm going to get wasted.