For the first ten or fifteen minutes I'm essentially put through training regiments, which were probably useful when the game was on the N64 but I'm using a Wii Classic Controller. Hey, Nintendo, thanks for upgrading your game data. What the fuck is "c" on this controller? For that matter what am I supposed to use for the yellow arrows? I don't imagine it'd be too hard to go back through the game and change what the text says. Hopefully everything will eventually be second nature. For now it's quite awkward as far as the controls go.
I know in LttP you could gain rupees by chopping down grass or running into rocks but for some reason picking up and smashing stones is so much more entertaining to me. I noticed some poor guy humping a rock so I'm like "The fuck you doin', bro?" and he's all "Mido told me to." I figure I'll help him out, since he's clearly having problems. I lift these rocks like no problem. Dude must have been weak as fuck. It still made me beyond happy gaining monetary value via chucking small boulders.
I can't remember who else mentioned this Mido guy but I already get the impression that he's a total douche. I'm told I have to go to the Deku tree. I try to do just this and what happens? Fucking Mido is squatting in my way. First, he starts talking shit about how I'm not a real man because I don't have a fairy. This logic is already lost on me. Then he tells me I can't go on without a sword and shield. I'll tell you what, as soon as I get these items I know exactly where I'm going to shove them. Fucking asshole. At least I'm not named after period medicine.
My first impression of the Deku tree? Oh. My. God. That tree has a mustache. This is the greatest thing ever. I can throw rocks to get money and the tree we all pray two has a 'stache? This game already fucking pwns.
My second impression of the Deku tree? FUCK! SPIDERS! I'm perfectly split on how I feel about this level. The pyromaniac in me loves it. The arachnophobic in me hates it.
So, I'm rudely awakened. Insulted by multiple characters and attacked by spiders. This game really can't cut me any slack.
Now every time I get near a door Navi feels the need to tell me I can't go through it if there are bars in the way. No fucking shit of course when it comes to figuring out to light something on fire the most this thing can tell me is "That looks like it was on fire at one point" (paraphrased). It is a fucking torch, you dumbass. I think I could have figured that out on my own. How about instead of reminding me multiple times that I'm incapable of walking through solid material you remind me that I have sticks which are flammable. It honestly took me far too long to figure that out.
Then again, the first use I thought of for the sticks turned out to be wrong so I just put them in the back of my mind. I mean, seriously, someone tells me to ricochet a nut back at something and I'm holding a wooden phallic object my initial thought is "Take me out to the ball game". Apparently that's wrong. It'd be too easy to use the twigs as bats. When I'm in a fight I fight back. I don't pull out my shield and hope to God they somehow hurt themselves. Clearly Hyrule doesn't have a baseball team.
I drop down further into the Tree's insides. Was nobody else concerned about the idea of mulling around in oak intestines? I'm lighting all kinds of things on fire and playing pinball with shrubberies. Somehow I make it through to this mechanic spider-bitch. I poke her in the eye a few times and she dies. I feel triumphant yet at the same time I'm wondering if maybe the Deku tree could have been saved if they sent a fucking exterminator in there every once in a while. A ten year old boy who JUST got his fairy accomplished this with little difficulty. Why had no one else tried?
I'm then treated to a very intriguing history of the Triforce only for it to end with the death of my new found friend. Why couldn't Ganon have put a curse on Mido? Why did the Deku tree have to die? He had such a sweet mustache. I now feel this is personal. Anyone that could disrespect such amazing facial hair in this fashion must pay. If for no other reason, I will slit his throat for this.
No comments:
Post a Comment