OoT: Bongo Bongo

For the most part the Bottom of the Well and the Shadow Temple aren't really much to write home about. There are only a few minor gripes and one BIG one. You can probably tell by the name of the blog what the majority of my bitching is going to be about.


Minor gripe one: walking into walls. Until I found the map I was walking along side of the walls like Helen fucking Keller. Feeling around until the wall decided to stop being a wall. Far too many times I'd fall through the floor and about shit my pants. For some dumb-ass reason I found the compass before the map. It was rather strange just seeing orange marking with no idea what the actual rooms looked like. 


Even with the map it was still a bitch and a half to figure out when I was doomed to possibly break my fucking leg and deal with those goddamn Redeads again.


On the opposite end of the spectrum, once I found the Eye of Truth I learned to really enjoy using it. I found it to be a pretty interesting addition to the game. I like that it doesn't really eat up much magic power.


Minor gripe two: The Shadow Temple. Yeah, the entire temple. Rather, going back through the temple after dying or entering a different room. I felt there were far too many pain-in-the-ass enemies. Simple foes, fine. Keese, skulltula, even the wallmasters weren't too bad. It was the constant attacks by the Skeleton Knights that really got annoying. Especially on that fucking ship.


Every time I'd get my ass handed to me by Bongo Bongo I'd have to go back through the temple to the ship, fight off two Skeleton Knights, get off the boat in time. Whether I did or not I still had to listen to Navi's bullshit about the ship sinking. Good for it, I'm on the other side of the fucking room. I could care less if the door can fit both Jack and Rose I saved my ass, fuck them. Learn to swim next time, bitches.


I then had to navigate the rather pointless room of Tetris ledges. The only reason this shit is to make you use the hover boots. I hate the fucking hover boots. I've been saying since the beginning of this game there should be a jump button. Apparently this is something that's lacking in all Zelda games. If I could fucking jump I wouldn't need to dress up like the bitch of the Gods... fucking Hermes bitch-ass...


Then there's Bongo Bongo. I can't stress enough... FUCK THIS LEVEL! Even keeping him in frame was a fucking head ache. He spins around and bounces you in the air. This pretty much makes Z-targeting either impossible or counter-productive. I had to wait for him to attack so that I could give him a boo-boo. He shakes his hand like a limp-wristed catcher. That's when I have to give his other hand an ouchie. Then he gets angry and charges at me. God forbid my timing here is even slightly off because the shit head isn't going to make a second charge. Nope, it's back to square one.


Let me tell you, dodging this armless fuck wasn't exactly easy. He's slapping, clapping, punching, squishing, I feel so sorry for this man's dick. If he treats him member anything like he treats me I... oh... shit... now he's treating me as if I'm his penis. Dammit, Nintendo, was that really necessary? I mean, I get picked up and shaken in a vertical, up and down motion. How is this NOT masturbatory reference? 


Oh, and the only way I can see what the fuck I'm doing is to use the Eye. Every time I cut a hand it drops magic potion. I have a choice of getting it or attacking the other hand. Naturally I would go for the injury. By the time I got the chance to grab the magic it was either gone or I was back on the trampoline of aggravation. Basically, I couldn't run out of magic without being fucked, but I could actually fight this cock sucker without using up my magic. 


Luckily I never actually did but it was a constant worry. It was more stress on my mind in a battle that almost had me lose my classic controller. I don't know if it's because my carpet cushioned the blow or Nintendo knows it's games make players rage hard fucking core but I'm just glad didn't have to clean up bits of plastic from under my bed.


I kid you not, Bongo Bongo was the most frustrating boss yet. That includes all of LttP. There was simply too much going on and too few opportunities to fight him. I could feel the tension filling my room when he finally died. I was screaming inside my head "I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF THIS IS A TWO PART BATTLE MY FIST IS GOING THROUGH A WALL!"


Alas, it was not and I could once again breathe. I skipped a lot of the Gerudo training and I'm at the Spirit Temple as an adult. Some of the things I've learned have sparked a rant. I'll blog it later. Look forward to it, it's a good one. *shakes fist demandingly* Look forward to it!!!!