OoT: The Male Gerudo

For two hundred years the Gerudo have had nothing but women. First off that statistic is pretty staggering. It reminds me of a certain SNL skit in which the doctor was just lopping off the penises of male babies and claiming they were female. That male Gerudo is none other than Ganondorf.

Why is it that people who live in the desert tend to be assholes? They're all "It's sacred land blah blah blah". So fucking what? You've got sand in your vag and it's clearly rubbing you the wrong way. Get the fuck out of the desert! You can still send your daughters on a quest through the sandstorm of doom to prove they're ready to be women, they'll just have to cross Hyrule field first. Trust me, it's not that big of a deal. I've done it hundreds of times just hunting down the Poe.

Instead of relocating, Ganondorf infiltrates the land of Hyrule. I want to point out now that Zelda and I totally tried to warn these bastards so it's their fault and I don't feel the least bit bad.

Then he tries to kidnap the princess. He claims it was to obtain the triforce piece but we all know he wanted a piece of that. He's got his pick of the litter back home but I take it he prefers blonds... and seven year olds.

The more I learn about this guy the more I start to realize how much of a prick he is. Let's look past the obvious. Kidnapping, treason, world domination, these things I can accept. I want to go deeper.

He clearly has abandonment issues. I'm no Freud but this dude clearly needs a father figure. You'd think that someone raised by only women would have the upmost sympathy for females, but apparently he was overloaded by the hormones and snapped. Being the only dude in a red river of crazy bitches, that'll do it.

Which brings me to his sense of entitlement. Never before have I met a man so full of himself simply because he has a penis. I get that guys feel superior due to their extra appendage, but imagine this guy's thought process. "Hey, I can beat up everyone else in this village, then have sex with them!" Just because you have the first dick in two centuries doesn't mean you have to act like one. It kind of sounds to me like he's overcompensating. Imagine that, first male in two hundred years and he's got a small wiener. Talk about demoralizing.

Ganondorf is your stereo-typical male chauvinist pig (get it?). He treats everyone like they're below him. What he really needs is to get laid... consensually. Unfortunately, every chick he tries to pick up books it via horse power or pulls some crazy ninja shit. Let's face it, that's too much work. He'd be better suited for a cheerleader, a stuck up bitch. Someone that will nag at him night and day and eventually either break his spirit or lead him to spousal abuse... he needs Ruto.

If only Ruto had been a bit older, or if they had actually met face to face and spent some time together. I think everyone's problems would be solved. G-dog would finally get some pussy, Ruto would stop calling me on Friday nights asking of my whereabouts and Zelda and I could get our freak on in every room of the castle.

In short: people need to move out of the desert and get the sand out of their vaginas. Maybe the next male they have won't be such a massive prick.