OoT: Brain Fart

Saria = elf chick. I've been repeating this for the last two days. Why? Because apparently I can pay attention to everything in a video game except the names of the characters.

I get past the guards with little trouble. Something I expected to be much more difficult. For fuck's sake this is a land that's constantly being invaded. You'd think they'd have better patrols. The men they've hired to aimlessly wander about in the strange maze-like hedges are far beyond under qualified. They can only see what's in front of them? They don't rely on their hearing at all?! No wonder the princess keeps getting kidnapped. I agree with the guy in Kakariko, there's nothing but lazy little shits being hired nowadays. Looking busy but not actually accomplishing anything.

I meet Zelda, she teaches me a cool jam and we spy on the shadiest looking mother fucker in all of Hyrule. Seriously, how do they not know this guy is evil? He looks like he kills babies to relax. I know we shouldn't judge on appearances but every other good guy I've met so far radiates kittens and happiness and rainbows. Ganondorf doesn't exactly give off that vibe.

I get sent on a mission by who I now know is Impa. The obvious "Save Hyrule yada yada yada. Help me Obi Linkenobe you're our only hope." This is where I derp my herp so fucking hard I herpaderpa. Yes, that's internet gibberish. No, it's not supposed to makes sense. That's kind of the point.

For some unknown reason (I blame John Cusack) I had it in mind that Impa was Saria. Don't ask me who I thought the ocarina chick that clearly wants Link's naughty parts was, because I don't have a damn clue what the hell I was thinking. 

I'm fucking around for an accumulated two or three hours. Trying to help some bitch find her dog, collecting chickens, talking to some un-evolved creeper in the cemetery, buying and selling masks but not actually getting anywhere with the story line. Navi keeps pissing me off saying "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we told Saria we were going to save Hyrule?" (paraphrased, because fuck you.) 

I'm thinking "Why the fuck would I go tell the person who JUST SENT ME ON THE FUCKING MISSION?!" Naturally, I ignore her because clearly I know more than the game developers and the thousands if not millions of people who have beaten this game. I finally quit out of boredom and inform my comrades that they're crazy for thinking this game was any good. I rant on about how Navi is completely useless.

Although I'm trying to do this on my own Kellana Fay finally tells me to go to the Lost Woods. I figure "Fine, might as well. I guess it's better to beat the game with someone holding my hand than not at all." 

I meet the elf chick (penny in the air). She teaches me a new song, blabbers on a bit more and I head back to the village. I turn off the system and roll over to go to sleep. I'm about to drift off into the land of boobs and beer when it hits me (penny drops). Saria = elf chick. Goddammit, I'm a fucking retard.

Suddenly, I'm thinking back to every time when Navi said "Hey!" and I told her to shove it. To be fair, if she was saying "Wouldn't it be cool if we told Impa we were going to save Hyrule?" that'd be a pretty useless bit of the game. I mean, why not just have Impa tell you everything before poofing off into God knows where?

I go to Death Mountain and all the Gorons are telling me Big Brother is locked UP in his room. Of course "up" is actually on the bottom floor. Nice choice of words, assholes. I play him the song that Saria (the real Saria) taught me. He dances about and I laugh my ass off. Honestly, that was hilarious. You can't convince me otherwise. 

Now I get to blow shit up. I'm excited about this. There should be more explosive plants. Not just in video games but IRL. How fucking cool would that be? Someone pisses you off and you throw a rose at them. Take that, bitches.

This is another point in Zelda lore that I have to ask "Why couldn't someone else have done this?" I'm a small ten year old boy. Gorons are massive beasts that are so bad-ass they FUCKING EAT ROCKS. Logically couldn't they have blown this shit up and taken back their cave? No, they have to rely on some pre-pubescent late bloomer.

I walk into the cave and GOD DAMMIT. Fucking Beamos. I hate those bastards! Now they don't just shoot lazers, they fucking track you! Christ, really? Like they weren't a pain in my ass already? Fuck those guys. Fuck them hard.

After some how out running the short sighted bastards (pun intended) I get to a room with exploding metapod. I thought Link had an addiction to explosives in LttP. Now I think the designers just want to make everything that shouldn't blow up do just that.

Could you imagine if more creatures did this after death? Everyone's standing around, mourning grandma when BOOM! The bitch erupts out of her coffin creating a four foot crater.

I go on to fight these Gex looking creatures who all buy hand me my ass on a silver platter.

"Here you are sir, your own buttocks."

"Why thank you, kind Lizard man, I'll surely be back for more."

As I was, however this time I fell into the lava and wow... holy shit... that's morbid. I have to imagine there were many a child scarred by seeing Link face down, engulfed in flames. Personally, I couldn't stop laughing. Not because I have a dislike for our silent hero but because I'm just a generally horrible person. Honestly, that's fucking sick and I love it. Judge me if you must.