OoT: 7 Years Later...

Anyone that knows me can tell you that I get a raging hard on whenever time travel is mentioned. Seriously, it's like insta-boner. Time travel is what peaked my interest in this series. It was pretty much the selling point. Aside from the fact that my friends can't shut the hell up about it, but you all already know that much.


Naturally, I was a little let down when I started the game and wasn't immediately awarded a TARDIS. I was a child running around fields thwacking the bad guys. It was interesting, yes, but I wasn't quite in love with the game.


As I sat there and watched Impa and Zelda ride off, fleeing from Ganondorf I knew shit was about to go down. I had all three stones and Zelda just gave me a shiny new Ocarina.


I'd like to digress for just a second and say something about this. After you receive the Ocarina of Time you seem to ditch your old one. There's no sign of it ever existing. I'm sorry, but that's a serious dick move on Link's part. Your childhood friend gave you that. You may never see her again and you just chuck it in the moat?! What. A. Douche.


Next thing I know I'm waking up and seven years have gone past. The mystery surrounding my absence, the excitement to see what all had changed, hell that entire video gave me goose-bumps. Suddenly, I remember what it was like being a child on Christmas. I honestly can't contain myself at this point and I'm about to wet myself.


That being said. SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! These people took it upon themselves to force me into a fucking coma for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! They let all my friends (and that cock sucker Mido) believe I was dead for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?! I understand they're looking out for their precious Hyrule, but I had a life, man! I missed middle school, my first kiss, my first grope. I can't even go to prom because I haven't been to school a single day for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!


I guess the people over at Nintendo haven't ever known someone that's been in a coma. Allow me to explain something. If you don't use your muscles for... let's say... sevenfuckingyears... they tend to become slosh. There's a thing called rehab and it's not just for druggies. Instead of seeing a video of Link relearning how to manually release his bowels (or for that matter, hold them in) I'm immediately sent on a mission to save the world. What's that all about? Can't I at very least get a cup of coffee? I just woke up! To the game's credit at least Navi didn't pull that "lazy boy" bullshit again.


I'm told not to be alarmed when I first see myself as I've grown up quite significantly. This is how I now I haven't been in a stasis chamber, which would have allowed me to step right out with no need for rehabilitation. However, I'd still be a ten year old boy. Because I have grown up, I'm in need of new clothing. What do they get me? Essentially the same damn thing I was already wearing. I'm sorry, but when you're expecting the goddamn HERO OF TIME to wake up you get him some nice threads. I'm about to go save every one of their sorry asses and they can't deck me out in some fucking armor?! Have they not seen what Ganondorf is wearing?! It's a little more protective than a fucking tunic!


I meet Sheik, the Sheikah. Wow, that's clever. I imagine someone lost a whole night's sleep coming up with that name. A whole bunch more blabbering FOR GOD'S SAKE I WANT TO PLAY NOW!


Finally, I can embark on my quest! I should get an award for sitting through all that! I feel like I've just read a long winded blog by some overrated youtuber... wait... ignore that last comment.


I get the hookshot. Seriously, my favorite weapon thus far. It's a pretty big item, but Link's a bamf. He don't give a fuck. He holds that shit one handed like a goddamn gangsta.


I make my way through the maze and to the forest temple. The temple itself is kind of nauseating. With all the twisted hallways and the one room with the rotating blocks, but if you look at it from above it kind of looks like the room is moving around you. It honestly made me feel queazy. Strangely enough, I think it was my favorite dungeon so far. It was spooky and I like spooky. I like how the place was decorated. Of all the places in Hyrule I think I'd like to live here. You've got a great defense out front and just beyond that woods that are near impossible to navigate. Nobody would ever bother you.


I kill the Poe sisters, little to no problem. Although, I have to wonder what their parents were thinking. You've got Meg, Amy, Beth and Joelle. Joelle? Is that even a name? It sounds like her parents desperately wanted a boy to name Joe because they'd simple run out of girl names they like. Poor girl didn't even get a fun fire color. It's just orange. Would red really have been too much to ask? I actually feel kind of bad for her. She's boring and has a stupid name.


This boss in this level is Phantom Ganon. Dude's a fucking badass. Scary as all hell, that's for sure. Popping out of paintings and shit. Is it bad that I often find myself more in awe of the bad guys than wanting to kill them? I strike him down and the real Ganon was all "Well, fuck this guy, he was clearly too easy to beat". Then he banishes him to the space between dimensions.


Wait.


The space between dimensions?! You mean... THE VOID?! *puts on old fashioned 3D glasses* Shit just got real.