OoT: Things Sure Have Changed...

A.k.a. I really hate Princess Ruto


The Zora used to be these dragon-like creatures that would pop up and shoot fire at you. The Octorok used to be land dwelling octopus without a targeting system. They just sort of shot in all four directions. Lastly, the Stalchildren didn't even exist until this game. 


So, why didn't they name the Octorok the Zora? The M.O. is quite similar to the Zora of years prior. I think people would have understood a slight change. Logically the Stalchildren, who look suspiciously close to Dry Bones, could have just as easily been Octorok. As for these completely new aquatic extra-terrestrials, I think people would have accepted if they were called Stalchildren or hell, come up with a new name. This is a fantasy world, you're allowed to do that. 


Why take the names of characters that we know as one thing and completely change their appearance and attitudes? Nintendo clearly just took these creatures identities and completely broke them down to nothing and rebuilt. There was really no need for that. I know King Zora sold me flippers in the LttP but suddenly he's a fat-ass fish whose only purposes are to keep unworthy people from seeing Jabu-Jabu and making sure every drop of Hyrule's water gets filtered through his butt crack.


On to the game play. I blame everything on Princess Ruto. All the Biri, Bari, Stinger, Tailpasaran, even the red slimy things. She's supposed to be in charge of all of Jabu-Jabu's meals. Therefore all these things are her fault. Except the Shabom, I blame that on indigestion. Which, is perfectly understandable. Look at all the shit she's been feeding him! I think if I ate that many flying centipede I'd have more than just bubbles that fought back!


Throughout this level Princess Ruto is nothing less than the biggest pain in the ass since hemorrhoids. Seriously, bitch, you can't walk yourself? You got in here somehow, didn't you? Stand the fuck up and use your legs.


God forbid I should fuck up even the slightest and lose her in the water or enter a room before picking her up. She runs back to the last checkpoint and stands there waiting to scold Link. At one point I left her on the bottom floor, scaled the wall and there she was! How in the hell did she get up there so fast?! 


Isn't she just the embodiment of women? She wants to be carried EVERYWHERE unless there's a chance that she can give you shit. Then she'll gladly go out of her way, fucking teleport ahead then wait just to tell you what a horrible excuse for a man you are.


Even when you're forced to leave her behind she nags at you.


"I can't believe you'd leave me. BLAH BLAH BLAH"


"I was fighting a possessed appendage, I would have gladly brought you with and used you as bait. Not as an offering or a sacrifice but just because I don't fucking like you. Unfortunately, I needed your fat ass to hold down the switch. Waka waka, motherfucker"


The only other time this bitch remembers how to use her legs is when there's a shiny piece of jewelry at stake. Could she be any more of a stereotypical cunt? I think Nintendo was subtly warning young boys to stay the fuck away from this type of female. She makes the mission loads more difficult and complains constantly. Subconsciously this has to have effected many a lives. In a good way, mind you. I don't see many nerds dating stuck up mall bitches... of course I'm not sure that's entirely Zelda's doing. I think Mario, Sonic and Cheetos are just as much at fault.


After finally ridding myself of the obnoxious brat things actually get a bit easier. Compared to dealing with a woman the Barinade is a cinch. I won't lie, I died once and swore many other times but I was glad to be finished with Ruto... wait...


GODDAMMIT, REALLY BITCH?! I just fucking fought through the gut of this massive fish and you're bitching because you were lonely?! I'm play you the galaxy's smallest violin, you useless pile! Talk about first world problems. I just risked my life playing out a twisted version of Jonah and you're going to blame me for taking too long?! This reminds me waaaaay too much of an ex of mine. She would pull this exact stunt. I'm bloody and bruised and she'd be filing her nails whining "I'm boooooored". FUCK. YOU.


So, what's my reward for expelling evil from the stomach of a fish god? Essentially at ten years old I get engaged to the most annoying character thus far in the series. Compared to Ruto, Navi is white noise. I could listen to her ALL day. I know she's just telling me the same shit I've heard a thousand times but it's better than anything that the Princess would have to say. 


I genuinely wish I could take her to Death Mountain and throw her in. Maybe have my owl friend fly her as high as he can fly and just let go. Put her on a stake in the middle of Hyrule field in the middle of the night and let the Stalchildren take care of her. I don't care how it's done, just kill her off or make her useful.